May 12, 2015 By 5 Comments

…with love in a spirit of gentleness

I just couldn’t get myself here yesterday due to the craziness of life and the overwhelmingness of just wanting to report on how dysfunctional I can be.  It’s so true.  Lately tensions are high around here, tempers are hot and fuses are way way too short.  It seems like were all ticked off at the world and each other and none of us are doing much right.  Since Amon’s surgery last Thursday he has slept terrible and I’m running on a good 4-5 hours of sleep each night and last night was the night of all nights…up every hour.  This morning I wasn’t sure if anyone slept at all.  The boy is just not recovering as well and as quickly as we had thought and dude is straight up out of pain meds…the good kind too…the kind they have to scan your driver’s license for.

Sporting events at close timeframes and a momma who did not have one of them on her calendar and realized approximately 1 hour before game time made for a wild afternoon and added to our not-so-great-night as well.  We ate dinner at the concession stands and today I ate popcorn for lunch.  And not just any popcorn, but what was suppose to be a little special something for a friend.  I am the gift eater.  I stared at a block of cheese, a carton of blueberries and some turkey slices for far too long today thinking “Can it really be time for them to eat again???”  This is us right now.  We’re a hot mess.  We’re all over the place.  We are not loving well and I am the ring leader of it all.

Last night after arriving home from the ballpark, way past everyone’s bedtimes, Hudson crawled into my lap all teary eyed and said, “This just hasn’t been our best day.”  And I agreed.  It had not.  It had not been our best past week and a half…a mixture of high highs and low lows.  I told him I was thankful morning was coming and we got another chance…His mercies are new every morning.  God’s grace doesn’t run out.  And even though our night was hellish in the sleep department and I said curse words in the dark the morning came.  I was immediately pissed and angry, but I saw mercy in Josh Kelley.  He held his temper with tired eyes, fixed breakfasts, changed a diaper, helped Amon potty, got kids rolling with their day, helped find school clothes, created opportunities for praise and encouraged kiddos who already needed pick me ups.  And I watched.  And God used him to diminish my selfish anger.

I’m still tired.  I’m still working on my short fuse.  And I did still eat someone else’s popcorn for lunch, but we’re getting there.  I took extra time reading my Bible today because I needed it.  I read extra and then reread a few past chapters.  I’m so glad I did.

“Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?”

I have been anything but loving lately and my spirit has been the opposite of gentle…mean, harsh, unapproachable, selfish, angry.  I needed to be reminded of the state of my spirit…I needed a reminder of how I need to be an imitator of Christ…His love and grace and mercy and gentleness.  Crazy thankful His grace truly does not run out.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , 5 Comments
December 30, 2014 By Leave a Comment

Compassion & Mercy

Forgive my all over the placeness tonight.  I have this whole “thing” in my head, and I don’t have the words all worked out yet.  When your heart feels overwhelmed sometimes it’s hard to find words.  I’ve been reading through the gospels and currently find myself in Luke.  Not quite to John yet, but almost there.  I’ve been highlighting and underlining and really asking God to teach me more and more about His character in hopes that not only I will know God more, but that in turn I can imitate Him more.  I sat last night in bed and came to the realization after looking back over Matthew, Mark and Luke and taking note of things I had highlighted that two phrases continued to appear and each time I highlighted them.

…he had compassion…

…I desire mercy and not sacrifice…

Over and over and over again these phrases appear about Jesus.  I’m no Bible scholar at all.  No where close.  I have to google things and verses all the time.  When He says …not sacrifice…from what I understand He is usually speaking to the Pharisees and the way they put the laws on a pedestal.  Over and over and over again Jesus shows compassion and mercy.

I have this love/hate relationship with social media.  I think a lot of people feel this way.  Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where I get on Facebook to post my blog for the day and then get off.  I have a hard time handling it so I now avoid it mostly.  It’s great for my small business and it can be great for other things as well, but I found my feelings were getting far too wrapped up in people.  And then with all the recent news with Ferguson and New York, I found myself having hurt feelings and being very judgmental…taking up issues with people…their status posts, the articles being posted, the “likes” of certain things, the comments.  I didn’t like how I felt and how I was putting stock in people, when I know my hope should always be in Jesus and Him alone.  People fail us…just like I fail people.  It’s easy to point out what’s wrong with everyone else, to see their flaws, but God continues to point out that I have flaws and people take up issues with me and I get on people’s nerves and I don’t always make the best choices and I don’t always make godly decisions or say the right things.  I’m a sinner saved by this giant redeeming grace.  So I’ve been avoiding certain social media like the plague because I know I let my thoughts and feelings wander far from where God would desire them to be.

I haven’t said anything about all the heartbreaking racial tension in the news because truthfully I feel like I  just don’t know what to say.  I believe completely and totally that everyone is created in God’s image and everyone matters.  Everyone deserves to be loved and to love.  Everyone’s story counts and has value to Christ…and so they should count and have value to me.  I know I am a mom of 4 amazingly beautiful children who I feel honored and humbled to parent.  Two of my children are not only black Ethiopian boys in a majority white family, but also are adopted.  I will never fully understand how they feel.  I will never fully grasp the gravity of their loss or how racism will affect their sweet lives…because racism still exists.  And so I sit with my thoughts and literally beg God to help me and Josh parent them as He would…and when we are just at a crushing loss that He would be everything they need.  Some days I feel so inadequate as a mom to all of my children.  This is the gig I don’t want to mess up.  I don’t want to fail these 4 little souls who call me Momma…and yet, I know I will.  God will be their ultimate rock…their parent who never falters, who always knows what to do and what to say, the One who doesn’t get it wrong.

Tonight while I ran I listened to some sermons.  Our pastor recently addressed the stories like Ferguson and New York and I think he did a really great job and I wanted to share it.  You can listen to it HERE.  It’s week 2: Be Compassionate.

And Nashville’s police department has recently made national news for the way they’ve handled protestors…with dignity and respect…with compassion and mercy.  It makes me proud to be a Nashvillian.  The police chief even publicly addressed a letter criticizing the way his department has handled the protests and he does it with more dignity and respect…compassion and mercy.  You can read the letter exchange HERE.

So I keep looking back to Jesus…the way He always looked onto people with compassion and how He desired mercy.  Compassion and mercy…what we all deserve and need.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , Leave a Comment
January 2, 2014 By 3 Comments

On A Thursday

I have lots of goals and dreams and resolutions for this year.  Some are stupid.  Some are legit.  Some are crazy and bold.  Some are super simple.  Some are very unlikely, but I like a challenge.  Some are big and some are little.  It’s quite the variety.  And then there’s today…January 2…two days in and I feel like this dude.  Broken feet, right arm broken off and beard plucked out by a small human toddler child.

I’ve realized I should just resolve to most definitely break all my current resolutions.  Ha.  I should have planned a little more and not just on paper.  Good eating in the new year probably shouldn’t be kicked off with an empty fridge.  I did enjoy my one piece of leftover re-heated in our toaster over pizza for lunch though and the kids did scarf down their 1/2 tortilla with turkey pepperonis, cheese & flax seed.  The flax seed cancels everything else out.  Plus they had a side of moldy applesauce, canned mandarin oranges and the crumbs from the bottom of a chip bag.  Like I said, we need to go grocery store.  All will be right with the world again when I get jiggy with Kroger.

I’ve also already lost my cool with the kids and had to repeatidly apologize to one kiddo in particular.  I’ll leave you guessing.  All I can think is how hilarious I am to resolve this and that and plan and shoot for and aim high and dream big and so on and so on and so on…and those things are good, great, grand and wonderful, but no matter what, no matter my intentions, I’m still human and I will always be falling face first into grace and forgiveness and mercy.  Always. Always. & Forever.  And after apologies and big bear hugs all was right with the world yet again.  “Let’s restart.”  And I was concurred with.  These kids of mine, I’m blessed and don’t deserve them at all.  I’ll claim them every dang day.

Some things have gone right like downloading The Secret Life of Walter Mitty soundtrack.  Go ahead and laugh, but I was thoroughly pleased with my choice.  As were the Kelley kids.  Amon is a huge fan of music and this soundtrack gets him grooving.  By the way…the movie…go see it.  It’s clean and sweet and bold and funny and visually beautiful.  Josh Kelley and I both really liked it.

Oh and no pants in the new year is always cute on toddlers.  Not so much on adults though.

We also have made some schedules and plans and have had some “come to Jesus small kid meetings” where we got real about things for the new year.  Harper, Hudson and Sol have also been thinking about what their goals for 2014 are which have included going hiking, rock climbing, bike rides with dad, playing soccer, reading on a higher grade level, dance class and trying softball.  It’s really fun to hear what they are thinking about…things they want to shoot for this year.

It’s true, the day hasn’t gone exactly like I anticipated us kicking off this new year, but I suppose in a way, it’s gone better.  We’ve started the year off in grace and mercy and forgiveness and with the real everydayness of life.  And for that, I’m kind of totally thankful.

Happy Thursday!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments