Things are super wonky in my head currently which makes me think through and question just about everything I think about posting in this space. Life is a bit weird right now for lots and lots of reasons, but mainly the big ones consuming our minds are of course Everett’s heart, adjustment & bonding and our littlest. I can feel the weight of all these big feelings every day and have found myself having to fight for joy…having to choose to see the light all around because it is very much there. Our life isn’t desolate…it’s full of beauty and joy…sometimes I just have to be really deliberate in choosing to look for it and see it when circumstances weigh heavy on us.
I feel very out of whack on so many levels. I don’t feel totally like my normal self. I don’t do well with uncertainty and waiting and right now they both swirl wildly around Everett and our littlest. I keep being reminded that God’s goodness is not circumstantial. So in the darkness…in those moments that make you question everything…in those moments of complete uncertainty…in those moments when the miracle doesn’t happen…in those moments of desolation…He is still good. When our troubles ebb and flow God’s goodness does not. He is steady and dependable. He does not waiver not for a moment.
We’re still waiting to hear and know and decide about Everett’s heart. He’s having a procedure on Wednesday that will give the team more information they need before making big decisions. Then Josh and I will be making big decisions from there. I don’t like how I feel right now, but we are ready to get this ball rolling wherever it may roll.
It was funny being in China because I sort of forgot about our role as foster parents. I let my MIL take it over and honestly didn’t think too much about it. We Facetimed almost everyday with Amon and our littlest, but we were far removed from all the paperwork and scheduling and emails and visits and drop-ins and court dates and so on and so on. We were flung back into our roles upon arriving home and our littlest is just struggling hard to figure out her place especially with Everett now home and him requiring so much of our attention. Things are just hard for her right now and the emotions that come with a struggling, confused 3-year-old…well, you can imagine 🙂
Even when things are weird and wonky and hard God never ceases to amaze us. Since arriving home just a mere 14 days ago I have been absolutely astounded by Jesus every single day…meeting us in the most creative, sweet, gracious and loving ways. He seriously never ceases. Even when the joy feels hard to choose there is always so much to choose from. Always.
For us joy has looked like big kids who are embracing Everett like he’s always been here and with such compassion and empathy. When Harper learned Everett’s procedure would be on her birthday the tears just streamed. She was so looking forward to introducing him to all her friends at school when I brought treats for her birthday. She was devastated to not be celebrating with Everett. She decided to bump all celebrating until he’s home and he gave her some sweet loven’ when he saw how upset she was. Nothing is quite like his little arms beckoning you to him.
The sky always speaks God’s goodness straight to my eyeballs and down into my soul. One morning this week I didn’t even need groceries, but after our workout I made a beeline for Kroger to watch the sky. I could see it from afar and it was just what my heart needed. I sat there and prayed over Everett’s best friend we met in China…this little boy who has been with Everett for a long time and who stole our hearts while there. I prayed over him and his forever family. What an honor to love these children. What a honor to serve a God who just blows us away with all the crazy stuff He does just so we can be apart of and experience His goodness…to feel His love through tiny little arms. I’ll never understand it. Truly I won’t. It takes my breath away every single time.
His goodness has looked like a fun movie and popsicles from Aunt Jen when we have to cancel all plans and stay home because Everett simply cannot get sick before next Wednesday. It’s been dinner delivered to our door on hard days when Everett is struggling and wants snuggles all the live long day. It’s friends and family completely overlooking how long it’s been since I’ve showered and how filthy our house is.
It’s being able to text friends for the 10,000th time to ask for prayer again and it being met with encouraging replies and not one ounce of annoyance or contempt. I don’t like that I am the person who currently always needs prayer. It has taken my pride down a few notches to say the least which I ask God to do every day. Why am I surprised when He agrees that my pride is a problem too 🙂
I found joy in a quick run to Target when I discovered our littlest and Harper had out grown ALL THEIR CLOTHES. What a luxury it is to casually walk through a store and pick up some clothes for our kids. And don’t even get me started on the luxury of grocery shopping.
I’ve found it in His word. I really love Jesus, but while in this funk I have not wanted to read my Bible…especially since I’m currently in Exodus. No offense Exodus, but, ummmmmm, we’ve just been together too long…it’s not you, it’s me.
I knew I had to do something to combat the darkness I was feeling so I pulled out my alphabet of who I am in Christ my friend Amber had shared. I chose the first name from the Old Testament and found myself in Isaiah 61. I’ve been on this Bible journaling journey for 2 1/2 years and for the first time I journaled a random chapter and it was exactly what I needed.
So I decided to stay in Isaiah a bit. Here’s what I love about Bible journaling…it is so personal…it’s a relationship between me and God and doing what works for my heart at the time is a-okay. There are no rules to this. Isaiah is proving to be my water in the desert. It’s giving life and speaking words I need to hear right this very moment. Every day. I haven’t abandoned Exodus…I’ll still come back to it, but I’m going to hang in Isaiah a little longer.
And we’ve seen God’s goodness and joy mostly in Everett. With every child who joins our family God just humbles us before Him again. We cannot get over them and why, oh why, God would think we’re good enough to be their mom and dad. They’ve each come from different places and in all kinds of ways and with all kinds of stories, but each one so uniquely designed by their Father.
Everett is smart and sweet and cuddly and kind. He understands so much and his favorite new saying is, “Mama, I need to tell you something.” which Amon says 5,000 times a day. He is really adjusting so well. I feel like we prepared for the absolute worst and this kid has just blown us away. He is amazing…God is amazing. Please continue to pray with us for his heart…it is crazy beautiful, but very broken. We’re asking God for miracles and soaking up every moment with our boy. His goodness is so evident in our son and joy spills out of this kid. What a gem. What a gift we’ve been given.