Last night I enjoyed a super fun dinner with part of our Swaziland team. Such a fun evening with yummy food, great conversation and even better ladies. I came home to a quiet house and full heart. Everyone was already asleep except Josh of course. He headed out for a late meeting as soon as I got home. Then over the course of the next few hours I don’t even know what happened, but I allowed Satan to absolutely have his way with me. It was one of those times when I just beat myself up about everything. And I proceeded to bully myself into tears…picking every little piece of myself apart. Nothing was safe. No feeling, no emotion, no outlook on my physical, emotional or spiritual self was safe from the dogging out I was giving myself. Who makes themselves cry?!?!?! This girl apparently. It was ridiculous. There I sat crying on our bed because of nasty, ugly, untrue things I was saying to my own self.
Then like a quick slap in the face I realized I was being insane. I was surely the craziest of all the crazies. I knew I needed to combat Satan stat. I grabbed my Bible, said the same prayer I pray every time before I start reading and picked up right where I last left off. The very first sentence I read:
“As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him…” and a few sentences later…”It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld for the Lord is able to make him stand.”
And the tears flooded my eyes. There I sat before Him completely weak and frail by my own doing. And He did what He was made to do…lifted me up right out of my piss poor attitude and pity party and just mess of myself and made me feel known. Made me feel loved.
Who am I to dog out myself?!?!? Who am I to criticize the God of the Universe’s handiwork?!?!? I think I’ve got to be a certain way, look a certain way, live a certain way, clean myself up just a little bit more, etc, etc, etc before I am good enough to be loved and cherished by Christ and that is just BS. He welcomes us…longs for us…pursues us…just as we are. No need to spit shine my heart…it won’t work anyway. I’m clearly a hot mess all on my own. God wants me just as I am and when I am flat on my face beating myself up about anything and everything…feeling worthless and not enough…He makes me stand. He reminds me I am worthy of His love right in the midst of my junk.
This morning I read my Bible first thing. I knew I needed it to kick start my day after the night I had given myself. And there again I read:
“Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.”
I am welcomed by Christ. You are welcomed by Christ. He longs for us to be with Him. He wants us. He desires us. We are His. And because we are His we have value and worth and meaning even when we just do not see it. And on top of all that He’s even going to use us for His glory. Who is this Guy?!?!?
One thing God continues to teach me is when I choose to spend time in His word…seeking Him…seeking to know Him more…just showing up as I am…He meets me there. He will not be a no-show. And then He’ll knock my socks right off with exactly what my heart needs to hear and know and learn. He is alive. He is living and moving and teaching and loving and making a way for us every day. Crazy grateful today we are all welcomed and cherished and loved, even when we’re flat on our faces and then He makes us stand tall again.