I just couldn’t get myself here yesterday due to the craziness of life and the overwhelmingness of just wanting to report on how dysfunctional I can be. It’s so true. Lately tensions are high around here, tempers are hot and fuses are way way too short. It seems like were all ticked off at the world and each other and none of us are doing much right. Since Amon’s surgery last Thursday he has slept terrible and I’m running on a good 4-5 hours of sleep each night and last night was the night of all nights…up every hour. This morning I wasn’t sure if anyone slept at all. The boy is just not recovering as well and as quickly as we had thought and dude is straight up out of pain meds…the good kind too…the kind they have to scan your driver’s license for.
Sporting events at close timeframes and a momma who did not have one of them on her calendar and realized approximately 1 hour before game time made for a wild afternoon and added to our not-so-great-night as well. We ate dinner at the concession stands and today I ate popcorn for lunch. And not just any popcorn, but what was suppose to be a little special something for a friend. I am the gift eater. I stared at a block of cheese, a carton of blueberries and some turkey slices for far too long today thinking “Can it really be time for them to eat again???” This is us right now. We’re a hot mess. We’re all over the place. We are not loving well and I am the ring leader of it all.
Last night after arriving home from the ballpark, way past everyone’s bedtimes, Hudson crawled into my lap all teary eyed and said, “This just hasn’t been our best day.” And I agreed. It had not. It had not been our best past week and a half…a mixture of high highs and low lows. I told him I was thankful morning was coming and we got another chance…His mercies are new every morning. God’s grace doesn’t run out. And even though our night was hellish in the sleep department and I said curse words in the dark the morning came. I was immediately pissed and angry, but I saw mercy in Josh Kelley. He held his temper with tired eyes, fixed breakfasts, changed a diaper, helped Amon potty, got kids rolling with their day, helped find school clothes, created opportunities for praise and encouraged kiddos who already needed pick me ups. And I watched. And God used him to diminish my selfish anger.
I’m still tired. I’m still working on my short fuse. And I did still eat someone else’s popcorn for lunch, but we’re getting there. I took extra time reading my Bible today because I needed it. I read extra and then reread a few past chapters. I’m so glad I did.
“Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?”
I have been anything but loving lately and my spirit has been the opposite of gentle…mean, harsh, unapproachable, selfish, angry. I needed to be reminded of the state of my spirit…I needed a reminder of how I need to be an imitator of Christ…His love and grace and mercy and gentleness. Crazy thankful His grace truly does not run out.
Here’s to a better day tomorrow.