…with love in a spirit of gentleness

I just couldn’t get myself here yesterday due to the craziness of life and the overwhelmingness of just wanting to report on how dysfunctional I can be.  It’s so true.  Lately tensions are high around here, tempers are hot and fuses are way way too short.  It seems like were all ticked off at the world and each other and none of us are doing much right.  Since Amon’s surgery last Thursday he has slept terrible and I’m running on a good 4-5 hours of sleep each night and last night was the night of all nights…up every hour.  This morning I wasn’t sure if anyone slept at all.  The boy is just not recovering as well and as quickly as we had thought and dude is straight up out of pain meds…the good kind too…the kind they have to scan your driver’s license for.

Sporting events at close timeframes and a momma who did not have one of them on her calendar and realized approximately 1 hour before game time made for a wild afternoon and added to our not-so-great-night as well.  We ate dinner at the concession stands and today I ate popcorn for lunch.  And not just any popcorn, but what was suppose to be a little special something for a friend.  I am the gift eater.  I stared at a block of cheese, a carton of blueberries and some turkey slices for far too long today thinking “Can it really be time for them to eat again???”  This is us right now.  We’re a hot mess.  We’re all over the place.  We are not loving well and I am the ring leader of it all.

Last night after arriving home from the ballpark, way past everyone’s bedtimes, Hudson crawled into my lap all teary eyed and said, “This just hasn’t been our best day.”  And I agreed.  It had not.  It had not been our best past week and a half…a mixture of high highs and low lows.  I told him I was thankful morning was coming and we got another chance…His mercies are new every morning.  God’s grace doesn’t run out.  And even though our night was hellish in the sleep department and I said curse words in the dark the morning came.  I was immediately pissed and angry, but I saw mercy in Josh Kelley.  He held his temper with tired eyes, fixed breakfasts, changed a diaper, helped Amon potty, got kids rolling with their day, helped find school clothes, created opportunities for praise and encouraged kiddos who already needed pick me ups.  And I watched.  And God used him to diminish my selfish anger.

I’m still tired.  I’m still working on my short fuse.  And I did still eat someone else’s popcorn for lunch, but we’re getting there.  I took extra time reading my Bible today because I needed it.  I read extra and then reread a few past chapters.  I’m so glad I did.

“Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?”

I have been anything but loving lately and my spirit has been the opposite of gentle…mean, harsh, unapproachable, selfish, angry.  I needed to be reminded of the state of my spirit…I needed a reminder of how I need to be an imitator of Christ…His love and grace and mercy and gentleness.  Crazy thankful His grace truly does not run out.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.

Hair-Grace

If you are a foster parent then this story will not surprise you one bit.  Not one.  Since we are certified foster parents for the state of Tennessee and have a sweet foster daughter in our home currently this means her caseworker or our caseworker can show up at our home at any moment completely unannounced.  Did you read that?!?!?!  Any moment.  Unannounced.  Holy geez.  Like even when I am losing my mind on an older Kelley kid who is just acting a fool.  Or let’s take the other morning for example.

On Friday’s Josh Kelley has to leave early so I am solo getting everyone ready and to school.  The kids don’t start school until 8am so I’m typically just rolling out of the bed around 7/7:15ish on Friday mornings.  But this Friday morning decided to be super snarky and sassy.  Solomon and Hudson we’re up way too early and Amon was apparently wreaking all kind of havoc throughout our home…as in getting every single toy out, throwing legos all over the floor and throwing all the pillows and cushions off the couch.

Also Josh and I were right in the midst of an intense stale mate on who was going to break down and load the dishwasher first.  This can only mean 2 things: 1) The kitchen smelled bad.  And 2) The sink was literally overflowing onto the counter tops with dirty dishes.  The struggle is real people.

I was abruptly awakened from my slumber by Hudson yelling…”Mom, mom!  Someone is knocking on the door.”  In my groggy sleepiness I rolled out of bed very confused…A) By the state of our house and B) By who on Earth was at our house at 6:45 in the morning.  I looked out the side window and did not recognize the car in our driveway.  Harper and our littlest came strolling out of their bedroom awakened by the commotion as well.

I open the door and there stood our foster daughter’s case worker.  “Good morning.”  Ummmm, no.  No this is not a good morning.  I tried to act like we’d been up and at it for hours.  “Hahahahaha.  No, we always wake up at 5am sharp to kick our day off right.”  Then my brain started processing what was taking place and I casually start putting the cushions back on the couch only to notice Harper had no pants on.  Oh geez, oh geez.  Sometimes the girl gets hot and off go the pants.  The whole visit was just awful, but I imagine she’s seen worse.  Or heard worse while creeping outside someone’s house unannounced.

She bid us a happy Friday and then went on her way.  I stood there for a moment super bewildered.  What had just happened?  I walked around the corner towards our bedroom and thats when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Then I just stood there staring at what was the glory of my physical appearance.  And snapped a picture because this was just too much of a train wreck not to share.

Harper walked up behind me as I was just in awe of myself in the mirror.  She’s always been spot on for picking up our emotions and feelings.  She simply said, “You should probably write her a sorry note.”  And then I laughed so hard.  And text Josh Kelley.  And then text my friend Courtney, told her the whole story and told her I was thankful for grace…because most days I’m just a hot mess in need of ample amounts of grace.

Here’s to it people…to grace…and a smelly house that’s a wreck, kids with no pants and bed head hair in the best kind of way.

Happy Tuesday.

I’ve Ruined Our Day

I have single handedly ruined our day so far…and yes it’s only 11. That can only mean I’ve got plenty of time to let my bad attitude ruin the rest of the day.

I’m chicken pecking this post out on my phone because a giant jade lion of my moms fell off the little shelf on our desk and onto the top of our computer busting the screen. What quite possibly made the giant said lion fall was running wild children in a house we are out growing.

I over slept because of sheer exhaustion. Life is wild and busy right now. And our hearts are being pulled in so many emotional directions. I’m tired. My heart is tired. Instead of running into the arms of the One who can give me true rest I just get all kinds of pissed off. I’ve yelled at the kids multiple times already today. I don’t want to be asked another question…when is lunch, are we doing anything fun today, can we watch tv, can we play a game, can we have a snack….it makes me want to yell wild animal sounds into the air and cry. And I know it shouldn’t but I just press on letting Satan steal away my day.  I’m holding onto this bad attitude because things just aren’t going like I thought they should. It’s my bratty, spoiled  rotten right…right?

Therapy at 8am sharp in the rain. Another outing to look at a possible house option that didn’t pan out. Our house is disgusting and needs  to be cleaned in the worst kind of way. I stepped in little boy pee flowing along the floor grout in our bathroom and about lost my #%*\.  Everyone is hungry for lunch and we still have not been grocery shopping. Plans for the week have already been disrupted and changed just because of  life’s happenings.  The kids are frustrated with each other.  There are fights breaking out and Amon is walking around with a giant poop diaper. And I won’t even tell you how long it’s been since our kids  have had a bath.  There’s always that dang bath issue.

Today was suppose to be different. Today was suppose to go wildly in another direction. And even still, knowing my own bad attitude is wreaking havoc on our day, I’m locked away writing this all out…not having changed a thing just yet.

I thought, I’ll do my devotional and God will hit me smack in the face with the scripture and words I need to hear, but He didn’t. It added to my pissed-offness. Doesn’t God know I need Him to do something like now for me?!?!?  I’m such a brat. A spoiled brat. God knows I already know the right thing to do. He knows He’s already equipped me with everything I need to change the course of our day. He knows Im fully aware of what needs to change and everything is pointing right at me and my ugly selfish heart.

So I’m laying my ugly sinful heart out for you guys to see. Bearing all it’s flesh full ways. When I hit post I’m getting up and getting to work. Today was suppose to be different and I’ve been given plenty of time to make the changes that so desperately need to be made.

Today I’m fighting my sinful ways…battling my flesh. I know it won’t be easy, sometimes it’s so appealing to let anger and disappointment and pity rule my thoughts & actions, but grace and love are really where it’s at. And I’m so thankful for a Father who loves and forgives and hands out ample amounts of grace and chances.   Here’s to changing my Monday!

On A Thursday

I have lots of goals and dreams and resolutions for this year.  Some are stupid.  Some are legit.  Some are crazy and bold.  Some are super simple.  Some are very unlikely, but I like a challenge.  Some are big and some are little.  It’s quite the variety.  And then there’s today…January 2…two days in and I feel like this dude.  Broken feet, right arm broken off and beard plucked out by a small human toddler child.

I’ve realized I should just resolve to most definitely break all my current resolutions.  Ha.  I should have planned a little more and not just on paper.  Good eating in the new year probably shouldn’t be kicked off with an empty fridge.  I did enjoy my one piece of leftover re-heated in our toaster over pizza for lunch though and the kids did scarf down their 1/2 tortilla with turkey pepperonis, cheese & flax seed.  The flax seed cancels everything else out.  Plus they had a side of moldy applesauce, canned mandarin oranges and the crumbs from the bottom of a chip bag.  Like I said, we need to go grocery store.  All will be right with the world again when I get jiggy with Kroger.

I’ve also already lost my cool with the kids and had to repeatidly apologize to one kiddo in particular.  I’ll leave you guessing.  All I can think is how hilarious I am to resolve this and that and plan and shoot for and aim high and dream big and so on and so on and so on…and those things are good, great, grand and wonderful, but no matter what, no matter my intentions, I’m still human and I will always be falling face first into grace and forgiveness and mercy.  Always. Always. & Forever.  And after apologies and big bear hugs all was right with the world yet again.  “Let’s restart.”  And I was concurred with.  These kids of mine, I’m blessed and don’t deserve them at all.  I’ll claim them every dang day.

Some things have gone right like downloading The Secret Life of Walter Mitty soundtrack.  Go ahead and laugh, but I was thoroughly pleased with my choice.  As were the Kelley kids.  Amon is a huge fan of music and this soundtrack gets him grooving.  By the way…the movie…go see it.  It’s clean and sweet and bold and funny and visually beautiful.  Josh Kelley and I both really liked it.

Oh and no pants in the new year is always cute on toddlers.  Not so much on adults though.

We also have made some schedules and plans and have had some “come to Jesus small kid meetings” where we got real about things for the new year.  Harper, Hudson and Sol have also been thinking about what their goals for 2014 are which have included going hiking, rock climbing, bike rides with dad, playing soccer, reading on a higher grade level, dance class and trying softball.  It’s really fun to hear what they are thinking about…things they want to shoot for this year.

It’s true, the day hasn’t gone exactly like I anticipated us kicking off this new year, but I suppose in a way, it’s gone better.  We’ve started the year off in grace and mercy and forgiveness and with the real everydayness of life.  And for that, I’m kind of totally thankful.

Happy Thursday!

Today I Choose Different

Yesterday was pretty sucktastic around the Kelley household.  It actually started out good.  Amon had his first speech therapy yesterday and I really like our therapist.  Amon loved it.  Huddy and Sol loved it.  There was lots of paperwork and bubbles and it was fun.  I feel like we are on the edge of finally hearing the thoughts running through his brain and I am soooo waiting in anticipation for those moments.

After therapy our day went down hill and I let it.  I let it slip from my fingers without much of a fight and I let Satan win the day and steal my joy.  Amon refused to sleep…not sure what’s up with him because he loves to sleep…but the dude was a hot irrational mess.  I wanted to yell out to Jesus…”Jesus come now.”  He was a spit fire, tired mess.  Lots of tears.

I had one gazillion things I needed to get done and I accomplished approximately one of those.  I needed so badly to run errands too…Walmart, Target, Michaels, the post office, Rite Aid, Kinkos and Hobby Lobby.  Yep, that was my errand goal yesterday and we didn’t even leave our house.

Amon was suppose to be having minor out patient surgery this morning and then the hospital called and said we would have to re-schedule because our insurance is unsure of what initially they were going to cover with the surgery.  Hmmmmm.  Yes, this sent me right over the flippin’ edge.  I may have used curse words once I hung the phone up.  So now we’re waiting to get the official word from our glorious insurance company and then we will re-schedule.

I have decided there will be a level in hell in which people are given medical bills they are “suppose” to pay…I even used my quotation fingers when I typed that…and they will have to talk it over via phone with hell’s insurance company of choice.  If you are one of those nice insurance people, well then I tip my hat to you and want to buy you lunch because 9.9 times out of 10 I get someone who has clearly had a bad day and they want to make me pay for it by trying to make the phone call as difficult as possible and making me feel as stupid as they possibly can while they are at it.  There will also probably be a level in hell called “The Car Rider Line”  Just sayin’.

Then Amon slipped and fell like a tree right into the corner of a door frame.  The result was the most blood I have ever seen come from a kid.  It was literally fountaining out of his forehead.  A paper towel would not hold up and we had to use a dish towel.  He was absolutely pitiful and we then monitored him for a concussion.  No one wants a concussed kid.  The picture does it no justice…the goose egg is huge and purple.

I then had a fight with our computer over pictures which had to be printed because they were due this morning.  #procrastinationatitsbest

Finally won that battle after an hour long fight and headed out to Rite Aid to print the pictures Harper needed for school.  And remember the long list of errands I wanted to run, well finally after 7 o’clock I got started on all those places.  My one saving grace I had decided upon would be Target and I would end this no-so-great-day with a coke and Target popcorn.  I am afraid I need to join Emotional Eaters Anonymous.  And then, NO JOKE, after I paid for my Target goods, the concession area was closed.  I wanted to fall to my knees and yell out in despair.  But I held it together and walked out to my car.  I called Ashley and told her I didn’t get my popcorn and coke.  And then I saw three people walking out of Target with their popcorn which they apparently snagged before the concession place closed for the night and I may have voiced out loud to Ashley something along the lines of, “I could probably just run them over with my car and take their popcorn.”  We laughed, but I was clearly not my best self yesterday.

I cried lots and lots yesterday.  I made bad choices and said things I shouldn’t have said.  If you saw me out last night, well I have no words.  I know I was rockin’ those dirty sweats and giving off a very frazzled, smeared mascara around my eyes, this day is for the birds vibe.

But when we went to bed last night, Josh Kelley and I laughed.  We laughed at what all had unfolded and we talked about the good things yesterday held because there were actually lots of good things, but I had chosen to camp out on all the undesirable things…the things which had not gone my way.  I made the wrong choice yesterday and today I’m thankful for grace.

Today I’m making a different choice.  I’m rolling with the punches and I’m trusting God with this crazy thing we’re doing called life.  I’ve opted to celebrate the victories…the joys…big and small.  Like the fact that dinner is already simmering in the crock pot despite it being incredibly hot and humid today.  Soup on an August day, boom.

They boys and I are having lunch with Josh.  I’ve been able to work on orders lately and I’m planning on creating today too.  That makes my heart fly.

There are just too many things to be grateful and thankful for…we are crazy blessed in so many, many ways.  Today I choose different than yesterday.  Today I thank God for His goodness and mercy and for His grace…His grace which I so very much need.  To heck with yesterday, today is a new day.

Happy Tuesday.