The start of a new year always sends my anxiety fluttering.  Setting goals makes me sweaty.  It all feels like a need and yet also, applies pressure.  Sometimes I need the pressure, but most of the time I just need a crap ton of grace.  It’s a hard line for me to walk.  I’m not good at balance.  I do love actually putting pen to paper and getting goals written down.  I’m a visual person so writing them down and then seeing them helps my head out a bit.  9 times out of 10 I start writing down goals and then it kind of morphs into more of a to-do list.  I like to feel like I accomplished something so a “bake on Sundays” and “fold clothes” throws me a bone every now and then.  This might not be wise in the goal making department, but you do what you have to do.

I have already accomplished a few things, I mean, I haven’t bitten my fingernails in 4 whole days.  THIS IS HUGE.  I did paint them on January 1st with 5 coats of fingernail polish.

Sidenote:  Having painted fingernails instantly makes me feel fancier and pretty sure I should be a hand model.  I hold things a little differently and a little longer.  Need a hand model…hire me now.  End sidenote.

  Seriously, it’s sad, but when I discover a lady who bites her nails I’m all “Let’s be best friends and make each other feel better about our nervous habit.”  Last year on our Swaziland trip, one of my new friends bit her nails too and it immediately boosted my own self confidence.  Nail biters unite.

Also in the goal department I have already scheduled our photos with Cheyenne and cleaned up my Pinterest boards.  Again, with the more “To-Do list” VS “Goals”.  Our photos with Cheyenne totally deserve a goal placement though.  And now I can cross two things off.  Riding pretty high on my horse.

Eating healthy…well, I ate pizza for dinner.  You win some, you lose some.

Don’t stress as much…Ummmmm, I drove two full laps around the perimeter of Kroger’s parking lot today trying to convince my very tired self that I could indeed take all 5 kids into Kroger and grocery shop very close to lunch and nap time due to a very very empty refrigerator at home and 3 extra guests staying the night with us.

Myself:  I can do this.  Mom’s with way more than 5 kids take them all grocery shopping…I bet, some even during nap time.

Myself again:  I can do this.  I can do this.

Myself again again:  I’m bailing.  We can all split 3 tortillas, 2 pieces of salami and 4 strawberries.

Myself again again again:  Nope.  We’re doing this.  I am the boss.

Myself again again again again:  Okay guys.  We can do this.  We’re getting in and out and going home.

Harper:  Mom, we can do this!

I then almost broke down into tears in the deli because we had already been in the store for 30 minutes and hadn’t even made it past produce…which is at the beginning…due to 2 different bathroom trips.  Sigh.

Some goals are just easier than others and it just so happened on January 1st I wrapped up Hebrews.  I loved Hebrews.  Shockingly loved Hebrews.  And as we were starting this new year Hebrews rang so wild and true “All we care about is living well before God”.

In all the real reality…I’m a giant failure and a big ole’ sinner…so I’m just going to try my best for God…goals accomplished or not.  I want to love and give and try to not grow weary as I so often do.  I want to dream and ask God to do crazy things…things He can only do.  And then I want to keep expectant eyes ready…ready for His crazy goodness whatever it may look like.

So maybe I’ll get to go to Swaziland and encourage people by handing out flowers in pickle jars and finally have a new vanity installed and spend less time on my phone, but no matter what, I really really just want to live well before God…I want to make Him proud…and I kind of don’t think He cares if I bite my fingernails or not 🙂

Happy Monday.

And so it begins.  The first Monday of the new year feels pretty legit.  Our Christmas tree is down and decorations have been put away.  I took down all our Christmas cards and cleaned our chalkboard for some new art.  We cleaned the house and de-cluttered and tossed stuff and donated and re-organized.  I even threw out all my running socks that had holes in them and Josh Kelley got me new hole-less ones.  Maybe this was our prep for the new  year.

It seems there are 5 million different ideas and dreams and thoughts and goals running through my brain.  Josh Kelley is a good listener.  He helps break things down and brings wisdom into my chaos.  We’re a good pair.  Ideas and goals have been discussed.  Plans have been made.  Everything isn’t set in stone though.  Some things will develop more over the year and we don’t want to miss out on God’s works, so we’re keeping our eyes open for all the new relationships and opportunities He will present.  Everyday is meant for service..to love Him and others.  Everyday is His.

A big thing for our new year is just flat out attempting things.  So many times I’m hindered by my own pride and the possibility of failure and what that looks like to others or the awkward and uncomfortable feelings.  I’m going to learn to be okay with failure.  I want to learn to wear it proudly.  I may fail, but I didn’t sit still…I did something.  And the more we talk about how awkward and uncomfortable things will be in the beginning, when action is put into place and you just keep doing, the awkwardness and uncomfortableness lessens and relationships build and love moves in.

I want to be thankful this year and honest and encouraging.  I want to stop feeling like I’ve been inconvenienced by someone or something and realize things just aren’t as big a deal as I’ve made them out to be and everything doesn’t revolve around me.  Give people a break, show grace and mercy…goodness knows I need more myself.  Jesus lived in service and in love.

“…But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Mark 10:43-45

I want to be more Christ-like.  I want more of Him and less of me.  I want to love like He loves.  Show compassion and grace like He does.  I want to be invested in people’s lives as deeply as He is invested in each of us.  I want to be generous and kind like He is.  It’s so simple and yet so difficult.  It kind of feels like the answer to everything…the solution to all my struggles…the resolve.

I also realized quickly when making my goals I started adding to-dos to my goal list as well.  Things like…call plumber…because Amon has officially put the upstairs toilet out of commission.  Listening to water pour down in between your walls and then run out of a door frame makes my stress level rise 🙂  And fix dry wall.  I’ve decided throwing some to-dos on your official “Goals of 2015” list has the possibility to put the pressure on to actually get these things fixed and will make me feel a tad accomplished upon completing said things.

Tomorrow school starts back.  This brings hope to my heart for a few reasons:  1) Tomorrow I will be in our house…alone…and I will listen intently to the silence.  I might cry.  2) I will eat lunch with a friend.  She’s a grown-up, which means we’ll probably have a conversation and she won’t throw any food on the floor.  3) For approximately 5 hours tomorrow I will have my own personal space.  This has the potential to bring about tears of joy.

And now I’ve got an intense date with Harper, Hudson and Solomon to finish the nail biting movie City of Ember.  What can I say…Josh Kelley finds us some winners at the library.  We had to turn it off yesterday when a giant bug entered the scene.

Hudson:  Turn it off.  Turn it off.  It’s too much.

He then proceeded to wake up at 3am…”because of that scary movie.”  Geez.  We’re about to tackle our fears people.  Giant bugs, PG rating and all.  Wish us luck.

Happy Monday!