I know I’ve said this again and again and I will probably continue to say this as we move through losing Everett, but thank you!!!! Our most sincere of thanks. We are blown away daily by how God is using His people to love on our family in the most thoughtful, kind and tangible ways. From prayers and cards to food and gifts to help with medical and funeral expenses. We have surely felt seen, loved and cherished. Please please please know how deeply grateful we are.
It’s been 9 days since we lost Everett and it has been hellish and beautiful. I feel like a crazy person because I have a hard time completing even the simplest of tasks. My mind and heart are all over the place and the grief of losing our child is another facet of loss I clearly was not prepared for. It’s just a whole new ballgame coupled with navigating 5 children who are grieving the loss of their brother. Josh Kelley and I say all the time how this whole thing feels stupid. Why in the world did our sweet Everett have to die?!? It makes no sense. Our littlest asks everyday why Everett died and I just sit with her and explain in my best kid friendly way how his little heart and mind we’re sick and sometimes shitty things happen because our world is fallen. We are all sad and angry and do not understand a piece of it. We miss Everett something terrible and it simply feels like we’re all just flailing around in crazy deep waters close to drowning. When people ask how we’re doing all I can say is that we’re making it. Just making it.
In the midst of this madness we have been consumed by the love, support, encouragement and kindness of others. I’ve seen the goodness of God in the faces of His people and everywhere we look. I know our sadness is deep and we’re really unsure of how to even get up each morning, but I still see face-to-face His goodness woven through out our days. Every single day He meets us in the midst of our sadness and loss and grieves with us. He hears our cries and knows our hearts. And even when it is hard we will still praise His name.
I remind our kids and myself every day that God is still good and He did not change when Everett died. He is the same God who works miracles and heals. He is the same God that loves endlessly and without condition. He is the same God who gives us underserved mercy and grace. He is the same God who lives in us and shares the peace of the Holy Spirit with us. While we do not for the life of us understand why God did not choose to heal Everett we must choose to still trust Him and continue to remind ourselves His love has not changed.
I do not believe God planned for Everett to die. Obviously I do not know God’s thoughts and ways, but my mind and heart can’t wrap around God planning this. What I do believe is that God absolutely knew Everett would die…it did not surprise Him…and He is broken with us. This world we live in is not of any permanance or our future. It is a temporary place full of broken beauty. God takes the broken parts…all of our messes…all of the unfair parts that make zero sense…all of our ashes and springs forth beauty. That is what God does. That is the power of God. He make things new.
Does Everett’s death feel beautiful right now? No. Do I feel a peace about Everett dying? No. Do I understand why God chose not to heal Everett? No. Do I like seeing my husband absolutely crushed in a way I have never seen? No. Do I like planning my 3-year-olds funeral and cradling my other babies while they sob for their brother? No. Does any of this make any sense to our family? No. But the incredible love of Jesus is this, He knows. And no matter how we feel about what has happened I do know, that I know, that I know, God loves us something fierce and has used and will continue to use Everett and his story for His own glory. He commands the praise. He feels all our feelings and is crushed along with us. And that is why every day I will choose to get out of bed and again put my trust in Him. I do not see another way through this mess other than Jesus.
Please know we are not good people. In the Bible Jesus says Himself that God alone is good. We are a mess…a giant sinful broken mess. We are not anything special or something to behold. The only thing we have going for us is God Himself. The only thing good in us is God Himself. The only thing special about us is God Himself. The only thing keeping us afloat is God Himself. The only thing to behold in our family is God Himself. May we lift His name high right here in our darkest moment and praise His name when we don’t even feel like it.