I’ve wrestled with this post for a while.  I’ve gone back and forth and back and forth searching for all the right words to even slightly express my heart and my whirlwind of thoughts.  Amon has been the kiddo who has thrown our hearts for the biggest loops.  He’s had a big life for an almost-two-year-old.  He’s had some big struggles and has had to fight hard.  He’s kind of amazing.  Holding his sweet little baby self in Ethiopia and knowing something was very wrong and then fighting hard to get him to the U.S. as quickly as possible and then stepping onto each plane back to the U.S. with that oxygen machine was incredibly hard and nerve wracking to the max.  And no matter how lost I felt, no matter how incapable or unequipped or unworthy I felt to even be a piece of his story, God was right there…sustaining, holding firm, encouraging and reminding me of how He holds time and all our plans in His hands.  He knew the journey we’d take with Amon.  He knew how Amon would change our hearts and aid in our healing process.  He knew Amon would change us in the most unimaginable way ever.  He knew Amon would show all 5 of us joy again.  And we made it.  We made it home and we made it to all the doctors appointments and we made it through open heart surgery and an almost month long stay at the hospital and we made it through being homebound for so long and we made it through the adjustment of going from a family of 5 to 6.  We made it.  And I’m so proud that we did.  I’m so proud of Amon and his fight.  I’m proud and thankful beyond thankful he is a survivor.  I do not take that lightly.  I know we are blessed.  And I don’t know why we were blessed in this way because I know so many other families have very different stories and it’s crushing to my heart…I can only imagine…only only imagine.

His struggles continued with his hearing and his development.  But God worked a miracle in his little ear…I truly believe that with every ounce of myself.  I tend not to believe in miracles much anymore or at least play the role of skeptic all too well and it’s a shame because I know in my spirit God is totally in the business of healing and redemption and restoration and renewing and who am I to doubt the power of the creator of the world.  And He gave Amon hearing in his little ear.  I believe it.  And we marched on with developmental delays with his speech and communication and autism testing and early intervention.  Lots and lots of doctors appointments and evaluations.  We voiced our concerns and our pediatrician who deserves one of those “world’s greatest” mugs has guided us all along the way.  He has been right there helping us understand and giving us his professional opinion and helping us maneuver through each possibility.  He’s been the best and helped us navigate all the referrals and all the “next step”s.  Here’s the deal:  Amon just doesn’t talk much.  He tries.  He really really tries.  And he’s been in early intervention for a while now.  He has one-on-one speech therapy every week and I love his therapist.  He has lots of signs for a kid his age.  Please, Thank you, Help, Book, Open, Close, Ball, Milk, Eat, More, Sorry, Bubbles, Sleep and he even has personal signs for Josh, Harper, Hudson and Solomon.  When I was in Africa he said Daddy and I thought I was going to cry a river knowing he had a new word.  Up until this moment Momma was his only verbal word.  And then shortly after he added “no” to the mix and we all went crazy.  Cheering, laughing, praising…we were a bunch of yahoos…all 5 of us.  I’m sure Amon thought we were nut jobs.  I thought to myself, “Here we go.  He’s going to take off.  This is what we’ve been working so hard for.  This is what Amon has been working so hard for.”  And then the words stopped.

He is making progress and he will mimic more than before, but sometimes I sit there feeling so defeated…doubting he’ll ever really talk.  I do.  I doubt.  And I look at him in all his crazy sweetness and at how hard he works and I just gush and cry about how blessed we are.  And God whispers again and again the reminder that He holds it all and nothing surprises Him.  Amon is His child…not ours…just like Harper, Hudson and Solomon are all His as well.  Josh and I have been entrusted for but a brief time to care for these gifts…these jewels…these exquisite pieces of God’s handy work.  And He allows hope to drip back in and fill up my heart as quickly as it leaked out.

He had a recent developmental evaluation and we’ve been referred for a speech eval to help rule out some things like a type of stroke that specifically affects speech and to maybe give group therapy a try and see if he picks up a little more in a group setting.  I would love for him to try music therapy because he loves music and will hum and try to sing things like happy birthday and the alphabet song.  We pray for his heart and his little mind and for the words to come.  And right when Josh and I give each other this deep, long defeated stare Amon does something amazing like mimic the word please.  And we lose our minds like all proud parents would.

The other day he mimicked “thank you” as he signed it and I sobbed.  It was the first time he put two words together.  I called Josh at work…no answer…so I text him and he called me back shortly after and we just sat on the phone together in awe.  I even got Amon to say it again over the phone for Josh.  It was emotional.  It was the hope we needed.  It was God giving us the hope we needed.  A glimpse and a reminder of His goodness.

And then I remember like the fool I am that His goodness is always there.  It wasn’t solely wrapped up in the words “thank you”.  It was already there and and it never leaves.  It’s never ending.  His goodness is everywhere…wrapped and entwined through out our entire existence.  He is good.  And even though I beg and pray to God to allow Amon’s heart to stay strong and to allow him to speak and communicate…even if something happens with his heart or Amon maxes his words out at Momma, Daddy and No, God will still be good.  He knows our plans all too well and He knows what’s best.  Everything filters through Him.  And what Satan meant for harm or to discourage or to defeat us, God meant for good.

So you’ll find us celebrating every little milestone in Amon’s journey.  We’ll be the ones cheering and hooping and hollering over every new sign or word.  We’ll be the proud parents beaming with pride as we watch Amon work so amazingly hard and try his little best.  We’ll be the ones who will tell you every single time no matter how encouraged or discouraged we feel that day, how blessed and honored we are to be his parents…to be the parents of all 4 of these wildly wonderful Kelley kids.  Yes.  That will be us because God’s goodness permeates every stitch of our family and doesn’t run out in the good times, but sustains and uplifts even in the trenches.

**Disclaimer:  Amon has many, many, many outside factors thrown in his little mix that are very different from other kids his age.  Our pediatrician has guided us through out our entire journey with Amon and we have looked to him for advice and expertise.  I share this post in hopes of encouraging others who may feel down in the trenches or defeated at times.**