I’ve dreaded this day for an entire year now and here it is. I’ve thought a million times over about how this day would play out and what it would feel like and look like. She has missed an entire year of our lives. We’ve experienced a years worth of life changing events without her. It’s been an entire year since I hugged her neck and kissed her cheek and talked with her and held her hand…since I received that parental and motherly love and support and encouragement. A full year. And what a year it has been. One hell of a year for sure. A year I never could have predicted or planned.
My life was like a big puzzle. But I had my picture of what the puzzle was supposed to look like and for the most part I had my puzzle put together pretty well. Every now and then something or someone would bump the table and knock a piece or two loose, but it wouldn’t take me too long to put those pieces back where they belonged. Then last November came along. Life took my familiar puzzle and threw it away. It brought out a brand new puzzle…one I had never seen and with no picture to guide me. It dumped the pieces out on a table, mixed them all up and then threw them in the air. Puzzle pieces landed everywhere and anywhere.
This past year I’ve been trying to find all the pieces and begin putting things back together. It’s still not complete…I’m still not sure what the finished piece will even look like. Grief is tricky like that. I’m still spending time everyday…little by little…working on it and trying my best to fit things back together. It’s for sure, this current life without Mom looks very different than the life with her.
And now this day is coming to an end. I sit here in our dark car with the 5 people I love the most in this world. We’re driving through the night for a special Thanksgiving. Now that it’s done…this one year mark reached…even though it was a tough, hard, sad, mess of a year…the one thing I can say with sureness is that I am a changed person. Changed for the good. I am stronger, fiercer and bolder than ever before. I did not want this year to be wasted. I wanted it to count for something and for something big. I wanted to learn and grow…I was okay with not being the same person anymore. I wanted God to get the glory and for Mom to be proud.
I feel like I know more than ever that God wants us to LOVE…that is His gospel…to LOVE and love hard. This year has been about God changing, molding and refining me and I’ve still got a long way to go. It’s been a year really about Him and seeing Him for who He really is. A God of mercy and love and faithfulness and comfort and peace and guidance. A God who cares and entrusts and looks after.
I still miss my Mom like crazy. And I still cry pretty regularly:) My heart will never be the same, but I rest in the Almighty’s hands and know without a doubt that He is Lord of all and that one day I will see her again. I am reminded that one year ago today, Mom heard very precious words, “Sandra Hall, well done my good and faithful servant.” And that is something which makes my heart truly joyful and hope filled.
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I knew the day was getting close but could not remember the exact time. Oh sweet Laura you are such an incredible example to so many. I am so thankful for the example you set for me and so many others. Your desire to do for others all the time is something I strive to be like. My heart has ached for you so many times over the past year and then at the same time I pray that when my day comes my children feel the same way you have. Strange to wish heartbreak and hurt on your children but i just pray they will love me as deeply as you do your mother. Praying for you sweet friend! Wishing you guys a Happy Thanksgiving
Total sweetness and tears. Praying for a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving for your family.
Sorry for your loss. Your mom sure does have a lot to be proud of though! I know she’s smiling down on you from heaven!
There is a black dot on my hand, put there as a reminder to pray for you today. I’m thankful you have shared your grief story. I know God is putting your puzzle together in a way that will blow your mind. That said, I hope, at least for a minute, you get a season of some mild puzzle putting together. 🙂
I can relate to all you wrote. Being without my parents is so hard. Losing my mother two and half years ago was the most recent loss of the two. I saw her every day for years. No major decision was made without her input. The way you described being given a new puzzle really hit home and touched my heart, Laura. This new puzzle is really difficult to piece together sometimes, but I am my parents’ strong and determined daughter, their only child. I soldier on and do what I think would make them proud. Sometimes though, I sit in the quiet and just listen for their voices. Even at 49, I need to hear them so much. I am praying, grieving, and remembering with you.
with much love,
Kellye
Praying for you, Laura. I can so relate to this. Wishing you a beautiful Thanksgiving weekend with you family.
Laura,
I have been following your blog for well over a year now. I was drawn to you by your colorful, amazing art. I was encouraged by your strength and courage as you waited patiently for your sweet Amon. I sat in wonder as I read your blog and saw your crazy fun life, filled with beautiful children and fabulous art. I, a few years older than you, led a kind of quiet life. No kids, no husband… just me and my 2 fur babies. I found you when I too was broken and my puzzle pieces had been thrown. I found you a few months after my mom suddenly passed away and I was lost. Through your blog I laughed a little and sometimes a lot at the funny things your sweet littles did. I smiled at your mom, thinking how much she reminded me of my own. How much she loved being a grandma and how much those sweet babies loved her in return. But most of all, I sat amazed at what a faithful, kind, generous person you were, thinking… “look at this woman! 2 years younger than you, sharing her heart with 3 sweet kids and the rest of the world through her art, sewing, and words!” You inspired me to be a better me. In my saddest hour… you were my inspiration~ a woman I’ve never met!
Then came the day last year when I was sitting on the couch at my sisters house, surrounded by her littles and I saw on facebook you had a new blog post. I opened it and before I could read all of the words, my heart sank. I knew what your heart was feeling. I knew what the next year would feel like for your soul. I knew how things would just never ever be the same again. Again…. blog post after blog post… I saw your strength. I saw your big heart. I saw this person with so much grace pick herself up and little by little start to breathe again.
I followed your story finally getting to bring that amazing little boy home and your story while he had to get his great big heart fixed. Through everything- you came out on top! You took time to spread your sparkle all over the world and touch so many people! When you were at your lowest- you were still sharing yourself with all of us!
So~ I hope I don’t sound stalkerish… 🙂 I have just been thinking how much I should reach out and thank you and what better day than today! Thank you for being such a great role model, even if you’re states away from me. Thank you for making such beautiful art. Thank you for sharing your story~all parts of it.. the good, the great, the sad, the funny, the scary… everything! Thank you for inspiring me when I needed it most. You are a special kind of person inside and out. I am blessed to have stumbled upon this little blog.
Have the happiest of thanksgivings! I promise, the tricky grief will fade away. It’s been 3 years for me and while I long to hear my mom’s sweet voice… the grief doesn’t sneak up nearly as much. You and your family will always be in my prayers. Hugs!
I knew this day was coming for you and I’ve been thinking of you lots. I’m always in awe of your grace and wish I had more myself. I still sometimes feel like a mess when I think about my dad, and it’s been almost 3 years he died. It’s definitely a grief that changes you. Sending you major props for dealing with it so well. Sending you more prayers and virtual hugs. 🙂
I have no words just wish I could hug you and let you know how much I appreciate your honesty and wisdom. The puzzle analogy is so perfect. Am going to share this with a friend who just lost her husband.
I cried with you last year at your Mom’s sudden passing, and I am crying again as I read this. Your strength and continued faith are an inspiration, and I know she is so proud of you as she sees you and your beautiful family living out your faith. Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas to you!
Laura, I started following your blog just a few weeks after you mom passed. I originally started following more your adoption journey because we were also waiting for our little one from Ethiopia. Then about 4 weeks later my mom passed away. Needless to say I’ve followed your blog very closely and held tightly to your words. Thank you so much for leading me so beautifully through this past year. Most of all thank you for being so reliant on the Lord and stepping up to do what He placed before you throughout the year with expectation, instead of covering your head with blankets when the hard stuff came (like I want to do ) 🙂 I’ve seen your faith grow and you’ve let Jesus shine through. You continue to inspire me. Happy Thanksgiving Laura.
Huge hugs from California…..praying for safe travels, warm memories, and a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with family.
Praying for you!! God is doing something amazing and beautiful in you!
Prayers for you, Laura. While life is different, your mom lives on in you and your kiddos and your BIG love for her that you share with everyone. Thank you for being stronger, fiercer and bolder! You are an inspiration! Enjoy your first Thanksgiving with your newest little turkey and the rest of your sweet family!
So beautifully written Laura, thinking of your family
Hugs to you sweet lady, I can’t imagine how you are feeling but my heart aches for you and my prayers are with you, they were with you a year ago, and very single day of amons journey to you and they are with you today. You are a strong lady and I’ve never been more greatful to find a blog than finding yours. Have a wonderful thanksgiving.
Words don’t describe. Proud of you. Sending so much love . Your family is loved. And, she is undoubtedly proud of the example that you are.
I don’t know what to say…other than you are an amazing woman. Looking at all that God has accomplished through you despite hardships in your life is a testimony to women like myself. Thank you for your bravery as you have stepped forward in this journey and pressed forward so that I can learn from you how to be willing to follow the Lord even when it hurts and the road is dark and uninviting. I will continue to lift you up to God in prayer. You are a blessing to me.