November 20, 2014 By 10 Comments

Choosing To Celebrate

Everyday I wake up is another day I get to choose how I live.  My day is full of choices.  God left us with the Holy Spirit and choice…this free will.

Today marks 3 years since Mom suddenly died.  It still baffles my mind because 3 years seems like a long time ago.  3 years ago Amon wasn’t even born.  3 years ago none of our kids were in school yet.  3 years ago I was still in my twenties.  3 years ago I was a very different person.  Yes, 3 years seems like a very long time ago.  And still, it seems like a snap of my fingers.  I miss her hugs and her kisses and her voice and her phone calls and her laugh and her prayers and her wisdom and the way she loved my kids and made over Josh Kelley and how she drove me crazy.  She was this fun, wild, wonderful, Jesus loving lady of a person.

Mom loved others because God loved her.  She invested in people’s lives because God was so deeply invested in hers.  She cared because God cares.  She was compassionate and generous because God showered her with compassion and was so generous in love to her.  She told people about Jesus’ love for them because He commanded her to.  All the good things about Mom were because of God’s goodness in her.  Same for us all.  Everyday I want to take deeply into my heart the meaning of life is Jesus…anything that’s even remotely good in me has nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with Jesus Christ living in me.  Alone, I’m a lost, lost sinner…God covers that all up…washes it away…restores and renews.  I’m nothing without Him.

I’ve made several lists since Mom died about what exactly has shown itself as the beauty in the ashes for me…for my heart.  Oh how I can celebrate that what Satan planned for harm and destruction, God used for good.  He is so so good and sovereign and mighty.  He heals and comforts and redeems.  Since Mom died occasions, celebrations, death anniversaries, etc have taken on a new meaning for me.  I’ve decided they’re not meant to be done alone, but instead shared.  I have much to celebrate.  I have so much joy in the Lord.

Everyday we get these choices.  We get one shot at this life and honestly, I don’t want to waste it.  I want to do the important things…I want to make those right choices.  When faced with grief and sadness and loss in such a broken world we simply need Jesus.  We can’t fix ourselves…never have been…that’s the love and hope and mercy and grace and redemption in Christ.  I don’t always make the right choices.  I screw up a lot.  People and things get under my skin.  I don’t like everyone I meet.  Every day God meets me right where I am and pushes me to try and make this vapor I’ve been given worth something…and that something is for God’s glory…for His name to be made known.  I want to love, invest and care for people…those are the important things.

I cried as I prayed with the kids going to school this morning.  God has just drastically wrecked our hearts…changed our perspectives…shaken us up…and He has brought me so far in this journey of healing and learning to take true comfort in Him.  I’m humbled and honored and grateful to be His daughter.  So today I had a choice and I have much to celebrate and be grateful for.  The world needs more joy…more encouragement…more “You are not in this alone”…more Jesus.  In true Sandra Hall form I wrote letters.  This is what she did.  36 to be exact…for the 36 months since I last kissed her face.  It may sound corny, but when preparing to write these letters I prayed for the recipients.  I prayed God would give me words to write…I wanted these to be meaningful and to encourage.  If I planned correctly, they should be arriving in people’s mailboxes today.

Today I thank God for having her as my mom.  For blessing me with the time He did.  For making her such a beautiful woman in Christ.  So much to celebrate.  So much to be thankful for.  Too much love to keep to myself.  Here’s to you Sandra Hall!

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November 20, 2013 By 36 Comments

24 Jars for 24 Months

Last year when this day rolled around we hit the road and drove to Florida to see Aunt Linda and Uncle Tom.  It was exactly how last year…the 1 year anniversary of loosing her…needed to be.  People are different and I have learned more than ever before just that.  People are different.  And they grieve differently too.  Last year I wanted to be in a dark car on a long drive with all my favorite people.  Knowing that when we arrived on Aunt Linda and Uncle Tom’s doorstep a really tight hug awaited me.  That was last year.

This year…the two year mark…two whole freakin’ years since I’ve seen her, talked to her, kissed her, hugged her, been someone’s daughter…it all makes my stomach do flips…but this year I wanted today to be different.  In some ways it’s easier and in a whole other set of ways it’s harder.  Things are just so different and like I never could have imagined.  And it’s hard…it’s really hard.  I feel like I should be handling things better and yet, I feel like I typically handle them horribly.  I felt like I needed to be really intentional with today.  It was looming and I was dreading it’s arrival, so that’s what I needed to do…I needed to be intentional.  And I needed to go ahead and make a firm choice to choose kindness and love for today.  Satan is constantly waiting to get his foot in the door with me.  He sees my anger and my bitterness and my self pity and my sadness and he’s using every sinful thing I serve up to him to drive me straight into the ground.  I needed serious ammo this year and Jesus laid the perfect thing on my heart.

One of Mom’s most favorite things were flowers.  Geraniums being at the tip top of her list.  And who doesn’t like getting flowers.  Whose day wouldn’t be just a tad brighter with a mason jar full of flowers.  She’s been gone 2 years now…24 months…so I got busy filling 24 jars full of flowers to deliver today.  And then I made a list.  And today the boys and I got busy delivering.  I watched as the boxes slowly emptied over the course of the day.  We did some serious driving miles.  And I got a lot of hugs.  And I felt like today was a gift…not a curse…not something to be dreaded, but something to be celebrated…to be embraced.

The best “advice” I was given on grief was from an excerpt out of a grief devotional book:

When your burden is heaviest, you can always lighten a little some other burden.  At the times when you cannot see God, there is still open to you this sacred possibility, to show God; for it is the love and kindness of human hearts through which the divine reality comes home to men, whether they name it or not.  Let this thought, then, stay with you:  there may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help.  -George S. Merriam

As I look through the pictures from today I am grateful.  These are real people…these are people I cherish…who Mom cherished.  Some are new moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms and single moms.  Young people.  Old people.  And all the ages in between.  People who are struggling with illness.  People who are just plain tired.  People who Mom surrounded herself with everyday.  Sisters and aunts.  People who work hard at their jobs and take pride in their work.  People who are struggling with life’s curve balls.  People who don’t get the acknowledgement they deserve.  People who have lost loved ones themselves.  Widows and widowers.  People who are stuck in ruts.  People from all walks of life.  I am blessed in a unique way by each of them.

I didn’t get to see every person, but most of them.  I had to leave a few vases on door steps and there were those slightly uncomfortable silent moments when me and the other person really didn’t know what to say…and that was okay.  I just wanted today to be different.  I wanted love and kindness to win.  I wanted people to remember.  And I think it turned out to be a pretty good day after all.

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October 17, 2013 By 5 Comments

Trying New Things

When I look over my work from over the years I can see trends.  I can see different stages I went through creatively.  I can see differences.  Sometimes I look back at a piece and wish I could burn it.  Ha, but it’s true.  When I was at my cousin Rebecca’s house I told her two different times I wished she would take down two different pieces of my art.  I see the issues and flaws…she sees me and memories.

I always wonder if friends and family get tired of my gifts of art.  I don’t want them to, but honestly, the most sincere gift I can give is something I pour my time, heart and creativity into.  It’s not always art, but it’s definitely a frequented gift.

My brother Chris’ birthday was at the beginning of October.  I wanted to give him something that he would know came from my heart…that he would know held my sincerity and love.

I have a hard time trying new things in my art…stepping outside of the techniques which I know deeply…which I have tested and created and changed and work for me, but I wanted to try something new.  It may look like a simple canvas…like something which was easy, but it wasn’t…at least for me.  I wanted to use some of my Mom’s favorite hymns from one of her hymnal books.  And Tennessee.  Tennessee because this is where we were born and raised…where out relationship began.

Getting the outline of Tennessee the size I needed was difficult…free handing part of the state was not my most comfortable venture.  I can doodle, but when it comes to accurately depicting our state outline…I was a fish out of water.  Once I finally got the outline, then it was keeping the hymns in good condition while painting over the outline accurately.  This may all sounds crazy and you may have a much easier way, but for me, this was new…the techniques and style.  In the end, I think Chris understood and appreciated the love behind the piece.

Trying new things can be intimidating and take you out of your comfort zone, but sometimes when you do, you are really glad you did.

Happy Thursday.

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November 20, 2012 By 18 Comments

Stronger, Fiercer, Bolder

I’ve dreaded this day for an entire year now and here it is.  I’ve thought a million times over about how this day would play out and what it would feel like and look like.  She has missed an entire year of our lives.  We’ve experienced a years worth of life changing events without her.  It’s been an entire year since I hugged her neck and kissed her cheek and talked with her and held her hand…since I received that parental and motherly love and support and encouragement.  A full year.  And what a year it has been.  One hell of a year for sure.  A year I never could have predicted or planned.

My life was like a big puzzle.  But I had my picture of what the puzzle was supposed to look like and for the most part I had my puzzle put together pretty well.  Every now and then something or someone would bump the table and knock a piece or two loose, but it wouldn’t take me too long to put those pieces back where they belonged.  Then last November came along.  Life took my familiar puzzle and threw it away.  It brought out a brand new puzzle…one I had never seen and with no picture to guide me.  It dumped the pieces out on a table, mixed them all up and then threw them in the air.  Puzzle pieces landed everywhere and anywhere.

This past year I’ve been trying to find all the pieces and begin putting things back together.  It’s still not complete…I’m still not sure what the finished piece will even look like.  Grief is tricky like that.  I’m still spending time everyday…little by little…working on it and trying my best to fit things back together.  It’s for sure, this current life without Mom looks very different than the life with her.

And now this day is coming to an end.  I sit here in our dark car with the 5 people I love the most in this world.  We’re driving through the night for a special Thanksgiving.  Now that it’s done…this one year mark reached…even though it was a tough, hard, sad, mess of a year…the one thing I can say with sureness is that I am a changed person.  Changed for the good.  I am stronger, fiercer and bolder than ever before.  I did not want this year to be wasted.  I wanted it to count for something and for something big.  I wanted to learn and grow…I was okay with not being the same person anymore.  I wanted God to get the glory and for Mom to be proud.

I feel like I know more than ever that God wants us to LOVE…that is His gospel…to LOVE and love hard.  This year has been about God changing, molding and refining me and I’ve still got a long way to go.  It’s been a year really about Him and seeing Him for who He really is.  A God of mercy and love and faithfulness and comfort and peace and guidance.  A God who cares and entrusts and looks after.

I still miss my Mom like crazy.  And I still cry pretty regularly:)  My heart will never be the same, but I rest in the Almighty’s hands and know without a doubt that He is Lord of all and that one day I will see her again.  I am reminded that one year ago today, Mom heard very precious words, “Sandra Hall, well done my good and faithful servant.”  And that is something which makes my heart truly joyful and hope filled.

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