This summer has been a rough one on my heart.  God has shown a giant spot light on a lot of really ugly stuff in my heart.  He keeps bringing them up over and over again despite my many attempts to push back and away…avert my eyes and then my junk just isn’t there right?!?!

I’ll totally admit most days I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit.  It’s been hard being at home with everybody.  I’ve felt overwhelmed, pulled in every direction and just flat out tired.  Can we all agree parenting is crazy hard?!?!  Sure I’d rather run errands and grocery shop alone, but when you have no groceries and you are currently the mother of 5, you suck it up and go to the grocery store.  Have to mail a package…load up kids.  Any number of other errands that just have to get done…put your shoes on and get in the van.  And it’s hard.  All you parents of 5+ kiddos are laughing at me.  Go ahead…knock yourselves out.  I will still admit to literally being in a full on sweat after leaving the post office with all the kids.  And mumbling curse words under my breath when we finally make it out of Walmart and back to the car.  Or telling myself how a level in purgatory will surely be the tiny, un-airconditioned bathroom stalls at the ballpark while your 3-year-old does a number two and wants to discuss “What’s that smell?”  I’ll say it again, parenting is hard.

I’ve noticed I often think of organized service for the Lord as being more “important” service.  I tend to think organized service means or counts more than buying a gift card for neighbors who just lost their jobs or baby sitting a friends kids to give her a break while her husband is out of town.  And even more so, this summer I’ve noticed I view my kids as annoyances and bothers who just keep me from being able to serve more and in “bigger and better” ways I’ve conjured up.  I’ve belittled mothering…I’ve deemed my job as unimportant.

I’d convinced myself if only I could get a little time alone to create more Gifter Project canvases or to serve in a more organized manner…”there’s this really great non-profit I’d love to help out with.”  If only my kids would be quieter then I could read my Bible and hear from the Lord.  The everyday million ins and outs of parenting have heaped right on top and brought me to my knees of about to lose my mind.  I would look back over our day and think “What did we actually do today?”  It was filled with all the tons of tiny things parents do for their kids and I saw zero importance…I viewed it as a wasted day…I counted it as not counting.

Then we were driving down the road and Harper said, “Do you like when we’re all out of the house away from you?”  I wanted to pull over and grab her face and kiss her cute lips and convince her I loved being with them every minute of every hour, but that wasn’t the truth and still isn’t.  We then talked about how hard it is to be a human because we’re all sinners.  How I love each of them and enjoy being with them, but also how sometimes I do like being alone…similar to when she likes to be alone in her room away from the boys and the wildness of our house.  I told them this summer had been hard…all of us being together all the time…and us all being sinners…and not making the right choices all the time.  I told them I was sorry if I had made them feel as if I didn’t want to be around them.  And they graciously forgave me.

I make mistakes…a lot…and belittling mothering is at the top of this list for me.  These little people who call me Mom count.  Josh Kelley and I have a chance to show 5 people Jesus who live right under our roof and lately I’ve just seen them as being in the way of “bigger and better” ways to show other people Jesus’ love.  I tell them over and over and over again during the day “Treat each other like you want to be treated.  It’s simple guys.  Just love God and love others.  Choose to be kind.”  And God is saying the same thing to me.  “Just treat them like you want to be treated Laura.  It’s simple.  Just love Me and love others.  Choose to be kind”

Here’s what I know:  Any work we do for the Lord is important, holy work.  Parenting isn’t the most important because we’re not all parents.  Running a non-profit isn’t the most important because we’re not all non-profit founders.  A 9-5 job where you’re an employee or a boss isn’t the most important.  Staying at home doing whatever it is you do isn’t the most important either.  Any and all work for the Lord is holy…counted…valued…important…for Him…no matter what we have convinced ourselves of otherwise.

 Colossians 3:23-24

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” 

I’m currently trying to re-work my brain and heart.  It’s hard because I’m still a sinner.  I’m never going to get this thing right all the time.  I’ve been thinking all this through my mind for well over a week and yesterday afternoon I sat in the bathroom and just cried so hard from feeling overwhelmed by this parent gig.  Amon came in and asked me if I was hurt.  When I reported no he replied with a quick “Okay” and bounded out 🙂  I wanted to hear myself think and create pretty colorful things.  I wanted to be alone.  And yet God keeps reminding me of the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  I haven’t been any of these to my kids.  So I continue to re-work my brain and heart.

God sees the state of my heart and I openly tell Him all about it because He alone is going to change it.  There’s hope and newness with the morning…like today can and actually will be different.  Just give me all the grace…grace upon grace.