Holy Work

This summer has been a rough one on my heart.  God has shown a giant spot light on a lot of really ugly stuff in my heart.  He keeps bringing them up over and over again despite my many attempts to push back and away…avert my eyes and then my junk just isn’t there right?!?!

I’ll totally admit most days I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit.  It’s been hard being at home with everybody.  I’ve felt overwhelmed, pulled in every direction and just flat out tired.  Can we all agree parenting is crazy hard?!?!  Sure I’d rather run errands and grocery shop alone, but when you have no groceries and you are currently the mother of 5, you suck it up and go to the grocery store.  Have to mail a package…load up kids.  Any number of other errands that just have to get done…put your shoes on and get in the van.  And it’s hard.  All you parents of 5+ kiddos are laughing at me.  Go ahead…knock yourselves out.  I will still admit to literally being in a full on sweat after leaving the post office with all the kids.  And mumbling curse words under my breath when we finally make it out of Walmart and back to the car.  Or telling myself how a level in purgatory will surely be the tiny, un-airconditioned bathroom stalls at the ballpark while your 3-year-old does a number two and wants to discuss “What’s that smell?”  I’ll say it again, parenting is hard.

I’ve noticed I often think of organized service for the Lord as being more “important” service.  I tend to think organized service means or counts more than buying a gift card for neighbors who just lost their jobs or baby sitting a friends kids to give her a break while her husband is out of town.  And even more so, this summer I’ve noticed I view my kids as annoyances and bothers who just keep me from being able to serve more and in “bigger and better” ways I’ve conjured up.  I’ve belittled mothering…I’ve deemed my job as unimportant.

I’d convinced myself if only I could get a little time alone to create more Gifter Project canvases or to serve in a more organized manner…”there’s this really great non-profit I’d love to help out with.”  If only my kids would be quieter then I could read my Bible and hear from the Lord.  The everyday million ins and outs of parenting have heaped right on top and brought me to my knees of about to lose my mind.  I would look back over our day and think “What did we actually do today?”  It was filled with all the tons of tiny things parents do for their kids and I saw zero importance…I viewed it as a wasted day…I counted it as not counting.

Then we were driving down the road and Harper said, “Do you like when we’re all out of the house away from you?”  I wanted to pull over and grab her face and kiss her cute lips and convince her I loved being with them every minute of every hour, but that wasn’t the truth and still isn’t.  We then talked about how hard it is to be a human because we’re all sinners.  How I love each of them and enjoy being with them, but also how sometimes I do like being alone…similar to when she likes to be alone in her room away from the boys and the wildness of our house.  I told them this summer had been hard…all of us being together all the time…and us all being sinners…and not making the right choices all the time.  I told them I was sorry if I had made them feel as if I didn’t want to be around them.  And they graciously forgave me.

I make mistakes…a lot…and belittling mothering is at the top of this list for me.  These little people who call me Mom count.  Josh Kelley and I have a chance to show 5 people Jesus who live right under our roof and lately I’ve just seen them as being in the way of “bigger and better” ways to show other people Jesus’ love.  I tell them over and over and over again during the day “Treat each other like you want to be treated.  It’s simple guys.  Just love God and love others.  Choose to be kind.”  And God is saying the same thing to me.  “Just treat them like you want to be treated Laura.  It’s simple.  Just love Me and love others.  Choose to be kind”

Here’s what I know:  Any work we do for the Lord is important, holy work.  Parenting isn’t the most important because we’re not all parents.  Running a non-profit isn’t the most important because we’re not all non-profit founders.  A 9-5 job where you’re an employee or a boss isn’t the most important.  Staying at home doing whatever it is you do isn’t the most important either.  Any and all work for the Lord is holy…counted…valued…important…for Him…no matter what we have convinced ourselves of otherwise.

 Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” 

I’m currently trying to re-work my brain and heart.  It’s hard because I’m still a sinner.  I’m never going to get this thing right all the time.  I’ve been thinking all this through my mind for well over a week and yesterday afternoon I sat in the bathroom and just cried so hard from feeling overwhelmed by this parent gig.  Amon came in and asked me if I was hurt.  When I reported no he replied with a quick “Okay” and bounded out 🙂  I wanted to hear myself think and create pretty colorful things.  I wanted to be alone.  And yet God keeps reminding me of the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  I haven’t been any of these to my kids.  So I continue to re-work my brain and heart.

God sees the state of my heart and I openly tell Him all about it because He alone is going to change it.  There’s hope and newness with the morning…like today can and actually will be different.  Just give me all the grace…grace upon grace.

20 Comments

  1. Oh Laura, you are so dear. I wish I could live near you so I could pitch in when you needed it. Like staying with the 5 so you could do your errands alone. I can only imagine how hard it is doing errands with 5, oh my goodness!

  2. I agree with Bekah. I do live close enough to at least offer! I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old who are great babysitters who do not need payment. They love to be of service. I used to be in a sweat just with my two. 5 I can’t imagine!!!!

  3. It IS hard to love God and love others. In fact some days (most days for me!) it is impossible. That’s why Jesus died –and did what we couldn’t do -love rightly! Praise Him…for knowing our wickedness and loving us anyway. Every day is grace!! Love this truthful post.

  4. Charlie, cousin-in-law in Christ says:

    “Therefore, my dear children, as you have always obeyed, but now much more in my absence — continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Paul from the Spirit of Jesus : )

  5. Every word of encouragement that I want to share sounds so trite in my head…so I will pray for you instead of ramble! But this I know: parenting littles is crazy hard, God will carry you (even when you run out of chocolate chips! Gasp!), and God has CLEARLY hand-picked you to be the bestest mommy for your littles! For reals, girl. You are the real (creative, generous, loving, capable, courageous) deal!

  6. Simply brilliant. I saw something the other day that said, “We are not managing inconveniences, we are raising human beings.” Remembering that has really helped me adjust my focus the past couple days. Parenting is hard when you’re doing it right. Keep pressing on.

  7. Christin says:

    I want to tell you that as the grown child of a woman who was capable of apologizing when she was wrong and when she messed up that it makes ALL the difference. We really learn about being human from a parent who does not pretend he/she has all the answers and is always right. I hope to be a mother who can admit when I am wrong as well. Know that even in your failings your children will have more respect for you and know more about being the people you want them to be because of your commitment to asking for their forgiveness.

  8. Teri Ann says:

    Oh Laura, I so needed this today! I was just having these same thoughts this morning about how I so badly wanted to be able to serve in more “organized” ways but motherhood always comes first. Thanks for this important reminder that we are showing our children Jesus in our daily tasks, no matter how mundane or unimportant we may feel like it is. I love reading your blog and gain so much from it! Thank you for being so open and honest! I can definitely relate although I can’t imagine having 5 little ones! I feel like my two are a lot to handle – I’m obviously clueless! 🙂 You are a rock star, momma! Keep up the great work! You encourage me so much!!!

  9. I am a mom of three young children, who works 8-5 full time. I often feel like I am being called to more. But how can I be called to do more, when I have no more to give? No more time, no more energy, no more. This post spoke to me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you. So much thanks.

  10. Ditto to everyone who replied. One of my most intense memories in childhood was my father repenting before us with tears. They will not remember the crabby….they will remember the apologies and hugs!

  11. As a mom of 5, I know what you’re talking about, I felt this way too. My two oldest are out of the nest now, and my 3 youngest are all in their teens. I want a “Rewind,” to when they were still little. I will share something that really helped me when I felt like I had no “alone” time. I got up about an hour earlier than the kids did. I got my cup of tea or coffee, my bible and sat with God in the quiet of the morning. It really helped me to be more relaxed when they got up, because I didn’t feel resentful towards them for keeping from having my devotional time. You’re not alone, you’re not the only Mom who has felt this way…but HUGS to you for realizing it & not letting this be a bitter pill that you swallow every day. Praying for you & your family, sweet Laura!

  12. Gretchen says:

    Oh my! I think all of us moms are right there with you! At least I am! I sure wish I didn’t ever feel like my kids were inconveniences, but it happens all too frequently. I don’t have really little ones around anymore and parenting is still hard (even though it’s definitely easier as they can do more for themselves.) Praying that all of us moms (and parents) can see the joy in all we do for the Lord. Basically, life is just plain hard for us sinners as you perfectly pointed out!

  13. The next 5 years are the toughest, sorry I couldn’t sugar coat it. Then you get some breathing room but you become a full time chauffeur. Mom hood is a tough gig and the struggle of summer is reall. Right now your in the worst, but in a few more years it gets better. I scheduled a few camps every couple of weeks to get through it. God bless you. I’ll be praying.

  14. Amen.

  15. Thank you for this post. I have three kids and struggle with these exact same things. Parenting is hard!! However, it is my calling. I too need to refocus daily (hourly?!) on this devine task. Hang in there momma!! God is on your side. He knows how hard it is to parent sinful children. Right?!

  16. Love your honesty! A great reminder to me today

  17. Johnnie says:

    Laura, Sweetie, you are too hard on yourself. You are not alone. I only had ONE child, and still had all these same feelings of being completely overwhelmed. Thankfully, I had a great support system that allowed me some time alone. I just knew one day my husband would come home and I’d be in a corner babbling away. But on another note, my son passed away. He was 38, but very ill and is no longer. So, I now look back on those years with thankfulness that the Lord allowed me to be the Mother to this child, young man, adult. He was also the JOY of my life.

  18. Hi Laura! I also could completely relate to this post, and had a little emotional breakdown myself just this afternoon about similar feelings. I have 4 children, and 2 of them have special needs (one is adopted with RAD and the other has autism). My children range in age from 15 years old to 1 year old … so I have teens and toddlers. I was just feeling trapped and overwhelmed … with nothing “to look forward to”. We just got back from vacation and let’s just say I am still recovering. Anyway, right after my emotional rant, my husband and oldest were getting ready to leave … so the rest of the evening was looking very daunting with dinner and bedtime on my own with the 3 littlest and “neediest”. Then low and behold, a thunderstorm rolled in and their plans were cancelled. It was completely divine intervention. I kept saying – “God is so good!” Honestly, it was just what I needed to be reminded that God is ALWAYS listening.

  19. I have felt like this too…I want to sew, but hard to do with three little people who want to “help”! Thank you for the post! Also, you’re a rockstar! I always admire your posts!

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