Grief is so freakin’ tricky.
These are uncharted waters for me and honestly…I’m struggling to keep my head above water. I could never ever put into words how close my mom and I were and I couldn’t even begin to convey how much I miss her…that parental love and support and encouragement and affirmation and the hugs and kisses.
The amount of things I see each day that immediately bring her to mind is quite ridiculous. I didn’t just talk to her once every few days, but multiple times in one day…I even saw her almost every day.
She lived not far from us and her office is literally minutes from our house as well. She would swing by almost everyday to see the kids or have me drive by her office so she could see them. She gave us date nights several times a month, me and her went to the flea market every month together, we ate dinners together and just spent time with each other. Loosing her is hands down the hardest thing I’ve had to do…no questions asked.
And that’s it…I’m struggling and struggling pretty hard. We’re talking, flailing arms, fighting the wind and waves and doing the big ugly cry often. I wish I had read a book on grief or loosing someone so close to my heart to prepare. It’s not just that I’m sad and miss her…it’s that life has literally flipped upside down…it’s all different, unrecognizable and plus, you’re not even the same person you were before…you’ve changed and drastically. Maybe it’s just me, but grief has a really bad name in my head 🙂
Now I’m left with a complete new life, plus trying to refigure out who I am. Praying is hard now because honestly sometimes I just don’t even know what to say.
The other day I read the verse Exodus 14:14: “The Lord will fight for you…” and just like that I have a new simple prayer…asking God to fight for me because currently I’m all out of fight.
And just a few days after I read this verse I found a note from my mom from a few months ago. She had photo copied a page from her devotional and written this verse on the page. It was during a time when we needed God to be fighting for us. What an incredible blessing it is to have a godly mother…who prays and petitions God on your behalf.
So I have a new prayer…simple, strong and true. “The Lord will fight for you” and I believe it…I have to. I am not strong and I need someone fighting on my behalf. Thank God for a Savior who fights and fights like crazy for His children.
And while griefs swirls, life moves along. Josh and the Kelley kids still need a semi-sane wife and momma. And so life continues on.
Have I mentioned I am an emotional eater?
Books and light sabers everywhere in our house…even in the bathroom floor.
Shrinky dink making. Harper’s heart skipped a beat.
Our first snow fall of winter and the waiting….yes it continues on.
Cold, cold, happiness.
And hot chocolate to warm up with. Plus extra marshmallows.
Target trip to purchase super hero books. I’ve never seen my boys so smitten.
New topless bedtime attire…for boys only 🙂
I come from a long line of cooks…my mom being one of the best. Our family even has their own cook book. They are the Hall Family and yes, we are just that cool.
Cold snowy day crock pot dinner…you will thank whoever invented this recipe, and my mom submitted it as mine, later.
She really wanted me to have a recipe in this book…I’m not exactly top chef 🙂
And there you have it…grief swirls, but life goes on, but God is fighting for us.
“The Lord will fight for you…” Exodus 14:14
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I’ve been reading your posts as one of those “don’t interact ever, but always read” blog followers. My deepest sympathy to you! We too were in the process of an adoption which recently changed course (you can check out my blog if you’d like). Not that this makes losing your mom easier, but I thought you’d like to know that your blogs have changed my perspective on my relationship with my mom. She lives close as well and my kiddos and I see her frequently (especially during the day when my dad and my husband are at work). I’ve been more outspoken to her in regards to my appreciation and love for her as well as just really savored the moments spent with her.
So thanks for sharing your grief so openly. I know it’s a hard thing to open up to the world. But it’s changed that way I view some different things in life. 🙂 Weird, eh?
Oh, Laura…..my heart hurts for you. Everything you have written, I have felt. Praying you up….finding a new normal is very difficult, watching other peoples lives carry on in their ‘normal’ is extremely difficult. I love the verse you posted….I needed that one, thank you! I also cling to Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”. Thanking God for His promises. Thank you for allowing us on this journey with you….the m you for being such an amazing witness for Him. Btw…I’m quite jealous of your awesomeness as a Mom!!! Your kids are just as blessed to have you as their Mom as you were to have your Mom. Love and hugs….
My mom and I are super close, too. So as I read your post, I got a big ole lump in my throat. Because I know that grief. It does swirl all around. And I am so sorry you are facing it. I lost my Daddy when I was 14, and I remember so vividly how grief comes in waves, sometimes causing you to almost lose your footing, other times knocking you flat on tour back.
But what a promise we have from our Heavenly Father. He fights for us. Amen! Psalm 9:10 is also one of my favorites.
Many prayers.
I am enjoying your blog so much – and my heart goes out to you. The photos are wonderful, I feel like I know the kids, I am inspired by your artwork, and I am growing closer to God just knowing you (and reading about your wonderful mother). Not only is the Lord fighting for you, but so many of us are, too, fighting and praying and hoping and loving, and in my case, for a person I don’t even know. So thank you for all that you are – person that I don’t know but feel very close to. I wish you peace and comfort in your forever grief.
Laura, thank you so much for sharing your difficult journey…my heartfoes out to you & your family!
Laura I read your blog everyday (or as often as you post) and I love how real and honest your blog is. You are an amazing woman and I know you are going through grief so bad and I pray for you constantly.
HUGS to you.
Oh and the recipe seems great, I wish I could buy the Hall cookbook 🙂
How well do I know where you’re at. Sept. 10, 2010, my life changed forever. The week previous, my dad called, the healthiest man I’ve ever known, called, and said, “They think I have liver cancer, Tracy”. Now we had been down the cancer road before. He fought, and won, colon cancer about 8 years previous, so my thought was: we’re gonna kick some cancer booty! Then I went up to stay with him that night, and I saw him. My heart sank. I hid in a closet and cried. He was admitted to the hospital the next day. My brothers flew down from WV two days later. The next day, we got the news he had about 6 months to live. He died 2 days later. I’m now an orphan. I’m still struggling to find my way without a parent. My father was my dad and mom. He was a friend, a confessor, secret keeper. Every daughter should be as lucky as I am. It’s been a year and a half. I ask people, “What is normal?” I say anything goes with greif . It pops up at ackward times. I’ll hear a song, see a person… Yesterday , we passed by the cancer, and I cried. Do whatever you have to do to get through it… That’s my advice. I, too, have kids, and I try to be as mindful as I can around them. But they have seen mommy cry . They’ve cried along with me, even. They have no more grandparents.. and I know they miss that tremendously. Prayer always seems to get me through it. I love the saying, “When life gets too hard to stand, kneel”…how true a statement…:) big hugs…feel free to email me anytime to vent. XXXX
Laura, I feel so bad for you. You are a very strong woman and as long as you continue to hold the hand of Jesus, you will be just fine. Your life was so enriched because you had the kind of mom you had and, of course, that makes it harder for you to lose her. The verses you have quoted in your blog will continue to help you, just hang on to them. You know you will see your mom in heaven and that is a precious promise, one that some people do not have. HOLD ON!! I saw the photo of your kiddos with the “Waiting for You” sign and saw that your daughter is wearing her The Rosey Hat. She looks so cute! May I use that photo on my blog? My daughter (http://www.thefochtfamily.blogspot.com will soon be holding up a sign up as she is adopting #3. Can’t wait!!
Dearest Laura, I will be praying for you. Grief is hard, it hits when least expected. My mom was sick for 9 years with dementia…she didn’t know me for the last 3-4 years. But for some reason, my heart thinks she still saw something familiar everytime she saw me and would smile or laugh as I kissed her face like a mommy kisses a baby. It’s strange to me how life turns. I was her doll baby, her living doll – she would tell me. That makes my heart smile. I know she is with Jesus, but not with me, so I miss her terribly. It will be 1 year February 23rd. I know it will be terribly hard for me and my family. I pray God will strengthen you as only he can. God is faithful and will walk and carry you through. If I were there I’d give you a big sisterly hug!!! Praying for you.
Love in Christ-
Meagan Boone
on facebook and
MyJoyfulArtStudio@bloggerspot.com
every time i take the time to read one of your precious posts, i bawl right alongside you. so horrible- i am sure you may have read by now “learning to See” by mary beth chapman. praying for you to know at least know jesus is with you close in the slobbery, snotty mess. my mom is my best friend.
My husband lost his dad 1 year ago. Same ole blood clot issue I think your mom had. I have a love / hate relationship with your blog. I love it because it reminds me of my awesome father in law, but hate it be use it makes me cry every time. We are still feeling the way you are a year later. Everything reminds us of him. I say all that to say this. You should read the book Tear Soup. Not sure who wrote it but I think local book stores have it. It is kind of like a grownups kid book. Thank goodness for kids right, or we wouldn’t all probably be laying in bed all day crying.
P.s. love all your artwork!
Laura: I am SO sorry that you are going through this. Grief is awful and the only way to get through it, is right down the middle. I’ve been praying for you as I know many others are.
What an amazing verse. I love it and also needed it right now.
Oh Laura! I so wish I could help you through your grief. Know that it is okay to feel the way you do. You are allowed to feel crummy and sad. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend the book titled “1000 Gifts”. It may or may not help. It has put perspective into my life and I hope it helps you too. Love ya
Thank you friend; for sharing your heart, your walk, and Scriptures that help you and strengthen you. I haven’t met you, yet I feel like I know you. We have many things alike, faith, adoption and the yucky grief. And while I love that we share the same love for Jesus, the heart and love for adoption; it makes me sad we share the grief. I want you to know I am praying for you and your family. I know grief is so very hard, that it comes in huge waves that knock you down some days, and then other days you will feel so lifted.
My son Gavin died August 9th and I agree with you in saying, grief is yucky. But I want to thank you for being so open in your blogs. Thank you for the Scriptures and truth you post, it is so encouraging to me.
Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the Lord is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other. Deuteronomy 4:39
Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Psalm 84:4
Wow…my heart hurts so for you and what you are going through. I pray so hard for this to get easier but know that the lord is fighting for you constantly. Lots of hugs to you!
Laura, I have never commented on your blog before, but read it faithfully. The only reason I found it is because our son and daughter in law are also waiting for a precious baby girl from Ethiopia. My heart goes out to you in your loss. You will never know how many lives that you encourage and inspire by sharing your life day to day. You are in my prayers.
I so love your real, honest heart & words.
Your mom sure blessed all of us with a beautiful legacy in you, your family, the beauty & hope you share & inspire, etc. I will pray for your fight, too. <3
This verse has been my life. And, continues to be my life.
You are an amazing, brave, authentic friend. I’m praying!
Oh Laura , I can’t even figure what needs fighting for, I guess that’s whats good about depending on the Lord to do it . I’m pretty sure today I was seconds from laying on the floor in walmart and kicking a screaming like a two year old . I’m so glad you are open about your grief . I feel like everyone is going to expect me to be “normal” sooner than later and at this point I’m doubtful it’s ever going to happen. It sucks……praying for you on this “new” journey in life .
Laura, I’m so very sorry for what you are experiencing & for the loss of your mom. I have not lost a parent but have experienced grief in the past couple of years & can at least relate to the craziness of grief stages and of trying to find a “new normal”. One prayer, one minute at a time. God does fight for you & he hears every word. One of the verses that helps me is Psalm 116:1-2 – I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. Lifting you in prayer.
Laura, what I am about to say to you may sound mean and depressing, but I have to say it so that you will know that what you are experiencing is exactly what you are supposed to be experiencing. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing and feeling exactly the way that you are supposed to be feeling. You are so open about your feelings of grief and in sharing how much you love your mom and how much you miss her. In being so open, and in not closing yourself off to your feelings, you are doing better with the grief process than you give yourself credit for….. You’re not supposed to fight grief. You’re just supposed to feel it.
Like the verse said, God is going to do the fighting for you. But that doesn’t mean He’s going to shield you from the pain. Grief is supposed to hurt. I don’t know why, it’s just supposed to. It’s supposed to last a long long time and hurt like hell. It’s supposed to knock you off your feet. Flailing arms and fighting and struggling with the wind and waves and crying the big ugly cry….feeling sad every single day…..thinking about your mom almost every moment of every day…..not knowing what to say in prayer….. maybe even feeling a bit angry at God Himself for allowing all of this to happen…. that’s how you’re supposed to feel. No matter how close a person walks with God, grief turns your life upside down and can make you think you’re losing your mind. God knows all of this and understands. That’s why He does things like giving you that Bible verse that spoke to you and was just what you needed to hear, (The Lord WILL fight for you…), and then having you find the very same Bible verse that Sandra just happened to have written down months ago in a note….
…..That’s not a coincidence. …That’s God.
Working through grief is WORK. …..And even if you had read all the books in the world that have been written about grief, you still would not have been prepared for the pain. You lost your mom after all. That’s the only mom you’ll ever have, and you lost her. No book can ever prepare you for how you will feel when you lose your mom.
….Laura, you know all the people who love you and who love Sandra would take the pain off your shoulders and carry it ourselves if we could. But we can’t. But please know that we’re all here for you. Please let us help with anything if we can… I know Linda and others have been so supportive. Even strangers who only know you from your blog are praying for you. But maybe God expects those of us who can, to do more. And I am speaking only for myself here, but I haven’t allowed God to use me in helping Him fight for you…. Thank you for sharing this verse and this blog, and for reminding ME that God expects us to bear each other’s burdens and to love one another. And to put that love into action.
I love you Baby Cousin Laura. I’m going to call you next week and see how I can do some fighting….
I know we don’t ‘know’ each other, but I think about you ever day. I ache for the pain that you are going through. I have lost loved ones, but not as close as you were to your mom. My mom and I shared a VERY strong closeness, but our relationship has been strained in recent years. I delight in hearing what a wonderful mother you had and the bond you shared. Even in your grief you have been an inspiration, and I wanted you to know that. God used you today, to bring to me a verse I needed right not. We are are also waiting for our daughter to come home. From Haiti. She was supposed to come home with us in August. Then October. Then December. Then by Christmas, for sure. Then we took our family of 5 to celebrate Christmas as 6 in Haiti. She was supposed to come home with us then. I came home with our other girls, for school. My hubby stayed in Haiti with our son and daughter. Everyday yeilds nothing. We miss each other. Are desperate longing to have our family in our house. Together. Today we felt overwhelmed. Beaten. Wiped out. We are out of patience and running out of finances. My hubby and I talked together. We decided to try to dance in the rain of this storm, instead of crying because we are wet. It helped. Then I read your verse. It pierced my heart. We are tired of fighting. We forgot that He will fight for us. I asked Him to fight for us. I will keep asking until he are together.
Thank you sharing. I will keep praying for you too. Blessing to you and may a peace that surpasses all understanding, lift, carry and surround you.
I just want to thank you for sharing! I needed that Word, The Lord will fight for us! Love, love your blog!!!
God bless you and your family
I can so relate to the rollercoaster, it is like someone takes your life throws it up in the air and pieces fall everywhere. It is certainly a process that takes time. I clung to His word like an IV dripping in me and I ran like Forrest Gump pushing my 3 kids in a jogger. It kept me sane and I could cry and run and pour my heart out to God. I will tell you the sad days do become fewer and he does heal, but take your time and keep being open and real like you are. He will be there for you to crawl in His lap every time and each time I felt I reached rock bottom He stood me back up. Christmas eve I was playing in our worship band for our christmas eve service and the Holy Spirit brought you and your family to my mind clearly. He loves you so, I prayed for you and your precious ones and will continue to do so. I have adopted also and I am praying your little one home. Love Lorie
Amen for Exodus 14:14. God will continue to fight for you… and I will continue to pray for you. What I’ve learned from grief from my father-in-law passing away last Christmas Eve (my hubs and his dad were quite like you and your mom) is that it’s ever changing… some days you’ll cry, some days you’ll be angry, mad, some days you’ll cling to God and others you’ll cling to your memories. And my husband recently said (which is how I’ve described losing our babies), you never get over your grief, you never really move on, you just learn to live with it. And it sucks.
You are in my prayers, sweet girl.
My 7-week old daughter died several years ago, and the BEST thing that I found to help me get through it was a book called “Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance.” It’s about $10 on Amazon.
There are great little prompts in there to get your mind going, to remember specific times and write down memories. It really helped me process things and have a place to go and heal.
Prayers coming your way.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I miss my mom and dad also, and they have passed away years ago. I love your artwork! Keep doing what you are doing — the Holy Spirit will be your comforter during this time. xo,
Precious Laura, I have no words, just praying for you all.
Hi Laura,
Zumba Janet sent the url for your blog this afternoon. I’ve only read a bit, but read and re-read this particular entry. You’ll never stop missing your mom. My mom died 22 years ago, when I was a mere “child” of 32. Even now, there are some very sad times – knowing that she missed graduations, weddings, and births of grandchildren. Sadness in the midst of happiness. There are so many things I don’t understand about life hereafter, but I do believe that when our baby grand daughter passed after her short 2 week life, that her great grandmother was there (wherever there is) to care for our sweet Elizabeth.
That said, talk about your mom to your kids and grandkids (when that time comes). I think that even when our loved ones aren’t here with us in the physical world, they are still very near.
I hope all goes very smoothly with the adoption. What an exciting time for you, hubby, and the kids.
Sandra
Your artwork inspires me 🙂 Would love to have won the Mumford and Sons work months ago since they are a fave for my middle son. As for grief, I have always found solace in Isaiah 43. Wishing you a speedy journey to your son.