You Will Rise And Dance

Today is Amon’s 4th birthday and he has had quite the celebration.  We did things like take him and his buddy Maddox to Chuck E Cheese while all the big kids were away on sleepovers.  They we’re hilariously precious together.

He got a giant Mickey Mouse balloon yesterday because, duh, it was Thursday 🙂  A Mickey Mouse door greeted him this morning.  There were donuts for breakfast.  He got to play at his grandparents house today with cousins which meant playground time and slushy fun.

Amon Kelley Fun Fact #6:  He never ever ever wears a shirt.  Minus when we make him for public outings.

He picked Chickfila for dinner.  Bless his heart.  We went to Easter service tonight and then afterwards it was cake and ice-cream time and happy birthday singing round #2.  He asked for chocolate cupcakes with white icing and cookie ice cream.  Done and Done.

Tonight in church I jotted down a line from a song we sang.  It made tears well in my eyes immediately and it reminded me of Amon and what all God has done in and through his little life.

My mourning grew quiet and my feet rose to dance

On Amon’s birthday every year I get quite emotional and not because he’s getting older, but because of how God used Amon to heal our hearts.  We waited almost a full 18 months to see his sweet face.  And the last 6 months of this wait we were walking in fresh hard grief after losing Mom.  I had never experienced sadness and loss like that.  When I think about who I was in this timeframe and the head, mind and body game I was playing constantly with myself and against Satan it makes me want to throw up.  Definitely not a time in my life I would want to venture back into.  It was hard as hell.  I cried every single day after Mom died for almost an entire year.

We finally got to bring Amon home in August…9 months after Mom’s death…and we immediately went into full blown open heart surgery mode.  He was home bound, couldn’t be around many people and was on meds prior to surgery.  Then it was surgery time.  We stayed in the hospital for almost a month and then again being home bound, more meds and limited visitors.  We were a mess, BUT and this is the best part…I felt joy again.  Harper felt joy again.  We all felt joy again.  Amon brought light and laughter and love and JOY, JOY and more JOY.  We had been in a pit for what seemed like so long.  We were down and out.  We were broken hearted.  And then Amon arrived on the scene.

Amon didn’t heal us…God did that, but he used this sweet boy to lift our eyes upward again.  Even in the hard season of his heart condition…the ups and downs and fear surrounding open heart surgery on your 6-month-old…there was joy again.  Joy and grief were coexisting instead of just grief solo.  I wasn’t out of the woods just yet…God had a lot of work He needed to do on my heart and mind…and I was still feeling my way through grief, but He was redeeming, restoring and renewing.  He was bringing me step by step…showing me the way.  He was spotlighting areas of my heart which needed changing and also healing areas in my heart which felt shattered.  Amon was an everyday reminder to me of God’s goodness and faithfulness…and still is.

Good Friday is always good, but this year it feels extra special.  I cannot get over the sheer goodness of Jesus and His intense and immeasurable love for each and every one of us.

  My mourning grew quiet and my feet rose to dance

This is what the power of Jesus does.  This is what God is in the business of.  This is the hope and promise we have in Christ.  He is so good.  He is so faithful.  Tonight I am praying and thinking about all of those who may feel a deep hopelessness.  You are brokenhearted.  Your pit might be big and deep and you just don’t see a way out, but there is.  He is there, He is good and He is working and moving even when it doesn’t feel like He is.  Just hold on because before you know it you will rise and dance.

Happy Friday!