Friday Thoughts: “Surrender”

I was just now standing in our kitchen watching Harper and her friend play in the backyard and then I felt my bloggy urge.  I do this sometimes when my emotions feel off kilter and things feel semi awry in my head.  I think, “I know.  I’ll type all these messy feelings out and then send them off into the inter webs.  Yes, good idea Self.”  Now I’m standing in the kitchen with my laptop and typing away.  Josh Kelley got off a little early and needed to pick up something at his parents so he took all the boys with him.  Our littlest is drawing like Picasso on her magnadoodle…by the way it’s her fave.

Things feel way out there to me today.  I’ve been worrisome lately too.  This is not me.  I am not a worrier partly because Mom was SUCH a worrier, so I made this pact with myself “You shall not be a worrier.  Not ever.  Ever. Ever.  Ever.  The end.”  I actually down play things I should probably take more seriously.  But now all of a sudden I’m letting my mind camp out on a whole laundry list of kid worries:

Harper’s worth and beauty in Christ alone.  Amon’s heart defect <—–this one is huge for me…if I give myself even a millisecond it can spiral.  Hudson’s sensitive heart and all the emotions he feels. Solomon’s heart and how he is processing being adopted.  We’re not instilling in him & Amon enough Ethiopian culture.  Middle school & high school.  When Josh and I lose are cool are we causing permanent damage and can yelling at your kids kill their little brain cells 🙂  We need to enjoy them more.  Am I passing on my emotional eatingness <—real word.  Do we expect too much from them.  Are we too hard on them.  Will they love me when they’re grown, will they love each other when they’re grown and will they love Jesus with reckless abandon, etc, etc, etc.  This is not where I like for my thoughts to be.  The other night, clear as day while cutting 5 bajillion letters, His still small voice, which I feel I hear so rarely, said “surrender”.  I immediately grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it down “surrender”.  Such a small word with such a larger than life meaning.  I have been repeating it to myself over and over and over again.  He wants it all…including them.

Littlest is still with us.  We sat in church with her and her parents Sunday night and I could have easily wept a big river.  Why would God allow us into this work He is doing?!?  I mean, front row seat of His redemption and grace and mercy and love…for all of us.  We don’t deserve it and yet here it is for everyone.  No one person more deserving than the other.  I sang my heart out because it just felt like one of those precious, sanctified moments.  I felt so undeserving, but crazy grateful God would allow us into these people’s lives.  I don’t know when she will be going home…I think soon, but I just keep repeating it “surrender”.

I’m doing a show for the first time…The Made South Holiday Market.  Strike that.  I did a small craft show at a local church one time maybe 7 years ago.  It went horrible.  I don’t think I sold one thing.  I’ve attempted to block it from my memory.  Anyways, my brother offered me a spot and I accepted.  And then I went into a full on tailspin.  I make to order.  I never have stuff just sitting around.  This is a legit show.  In a month.  I immediately started panicking like what had I done.  I don’t even know how to set up a booth, but I was clear headed enough to know I wanted lights and lots of white bunting.  This is the extent of my brain.  I was literally sweating.  And then I remembered to just surrender.  Let it the flip go Laura and if you flop, you flop.  And if you soar, you soar.  Either way, the world still spins and God is still on His throne.

I realize I struggle with about 5,000 things.  I like to down play them to myself to feel better and then all of a sudden they all creep in at once and I freak out.  I’m a total emotional eater…hence my desire to do a sugar detox…day 5 by the way.  I wish my business was stronger.  I have no idea how the Bible journaling video will be received, but I bring the awkward.  It feels like God is planting new seeds in my heart which pretty much terrifies me.  Contentment with the state He has us.  Bills, bills & more bills…oh and a leaky bathtub, ha!  My Mom feels really distant now which is a new hard…4 years seems like a lot and yet a little…do you know what all has happened in 4 years?!?!?!  I might have stared at her handwriting a little too long today #creepy  Friendships are hard for me…I don’t do them well and our family is large which might make people take a step back.  I find worth in all the wrong things…like “likes” on Instagram.  I give too much thought to how a blog post will be received.  When someone asks me to participate in something that feels “big” I immediate question if they really knew who they were asking…inadequacy spills in on cue.  And the list rattles on.  I type this all out to remind myself to “surrender”.  He wants it all.  Every little piece.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  And I’m working on handing it over because I know I’m not made to carry this stuff around, but it feels risky letting it all go.  I’m a constant work in progress, but when I do let those pieces fly off I feel lighter and know they are in much better hands than mine.

So this is me today.  It feels messy, but I have a sneaky suspicion I’m not the only one.  I’m about to finish up making tacos for a wild little gaggle of children…the best kind.  I bought Skittles to go with tonight’s popcorn and movie.  Repeat after me:  I will not eat the Skittles.  I will not eat the Skittles.  Hope you amazing people have a great weekend.  Thanks for stopping by, reading and always being so dang kind.  You are such rare and special ones.

Have an amazing weekend.  Happy Friday!