Archives for October 2018

Last week the kids were on fall break and we fall breaked pretty hard.  There was a lot of chill and not one doctor’s appointment and we had big plans like watching movies, eating all the snacks, going to the zoo and enjoying the newly found Tennessee fall and that about wraps it up.  🙂  It was restful and good.

I like to share here when I find something that is just really great.  A sure fire favorite and I’ve been collecting several for a post.  If I share it in this space it means I genuinely really love a product or company or recipe, etc.  No ads here, just me and my own personal opinion.  Let’s begin.

Blended Designs:  I found this company a while back and started following along on Instagram.  They are amazing.  Representation of all cultures and races is so insanely important and I love what Blended Designs is doing.  I knew they were releasing the “Riley” backpack at some point and Amon has been carrying the same backpack since pre-k 3 and was in need of a new bag.  I waited patiently and the day they released Riley I bought it for Amon.  He was the absolute cutest thing ever receiving it.  It was big giant love and the backpack quality is amazing.  It is thick and durable and I have no doubt it will keep up with Amon’s energy and on-the-go-ness over the years.  A round of applause for Blended Designs.

Canvas People:  We have our photos taken by our friend Cheyenne every year 2-3 times.  It’s just really important to me so I always get on her calendar ahead of time.  We have been working on the entry room to our home since Harper was around 3.  I did not print these all at once, but have one from each photo session with Cheyenne printed and add it to the room.  I get all our canvases printed at Canvas People and I always get an amazing deal by being on their email list.  If you need canvases printed for a cheaper price, but still good quality, they are your peeps!

Lavender, Cedarwood and Thieves:  I rarely talk about it, but we’ve been using oils since around January of this year.  I laugh because desperate times, call for desperate measures.  I was always very anti-oils.  Never say never. 🙂

In January our house was so sad.  Everyone was down and couldn’t seem to pull from the funk.  I started trying everything.  I overhauled our entire house and even bought an oil kit to try and lift the mood of our home.  In the midst of it all I really started seeing the benefit of using some oils, but still recognize that they don’t all work for everyone…not even me.

Leo came home and struggled hard with sleep.  Josh Kelley and I were straight up zombies.  We tried everything known to man to make the kid sleep.  I also oiled the boy up with lavender and 100 different oil blends and still nothing.  He just couldn’t sleep.  I’d pretty much given up and decided he’d at least be sleeping by the time he went to college.  Then I read about cedarwood.  I ordered it, added it to the boys’ diffuser coupled with lavender and thieves and YOU GUYS!!!  Leo slept through the night.  So I kept doing it every night…and still am…and he keeps sleeping through the night.  Now maybe it was a fluke, but in case it isn’t I will be using cedarwood for the rest of our lives. 🙂  In no way do I think this works for everyone, but wanted to share in case there’s someone out there who needs some sleep hope.  I do kind of sell them…I mean, I am a consultant, but don’t push it at all, but if you need some oils I can hook you up or if you have any questions you can email me at pitterpatterart at gmail dot com 

The Grillshack:  Nashville people this ones for you.  My friend Lindsey who runs Bottle of Tears recently asked Leo and I to join her for lunch.  She narrowed it down to a few new burger joints neither of us had tried and we finally landed on The Grillshack!  Oh my freakin’ goodness!!!!  The best burger I’ve had in a while.  The location is kind of crazy.  When you get there you look around and think, “Am I here?!?!”, but the parking is awesome and that’s a huge plus for Nashville.  The seating is cute and simple and the food is unreal.  Total recommendation.

And being with Lindsey topped it off.  I’ll throw in her company Bottle of Tears as a fave too, but it’s been one of mine for a while now…not a newbie.  If you’re looking for a way to comfort a friend, show them you are there in the midst of their darkness or just want to remind a friend you love them her shop literally has it all and everything is ridiculously cool and not cheesy at all.  Check her shop out.  Crazy proud she’s my friend.

Pride Socks + Ruby’s Rainbow:  When I saw that Pride Socks had partnered with Ruby’s Rainbow I knew the Kelley kids needed some new socks.  Rainbows will never not remind us of Everett.  Never.  Ruby’s Rainbow is amazing!!!!  I have fallen completely in love with their vision and desire to help individuals with down syndrome achieve higher education.  An easy follow and you’re sure to be completely smitten.  THESE socks were designed by Ruby herself and of course Harper & Winter needed a pair.  $5 from every pair goes to Ruby’s Rainbow.

Publix Flu Shot:  My friend Amanda shared this little tid bit of flu shot information and I loaded up the kids and headed in for shots right away.  For every flu shot you receive at Publix they will give you a $10 gift card.  They take insurance…I looked up ours on their website before we went…and I went ahead and filled out everyone’s paper I printed from their website ahead of time too.  All Kelley’s got shots…minus Leo because they only do shots for ages 4 and up…and we made $70 off the whole shebang.  Granted two children did semi lose their minds when the nice man reached over the 1/2 partitioned door with their shots loaded and ready to go.  I might have had to wedge them in between my body and the door while holding their arm still.  Hahahahaha.  There was some drama and some tears and when it was over with another family waiting gave me a small round of applause.  Winning.

 The Ministry of Ordinary Places:  My friend Shannan sent me her new book along with a rainbow mug and then I sobbed my eyeballs out.  When anyone remembers Everett it makes me feel lighter even for just a second.  To know we aren’t the only ones thinking of him all the time and trying to keep his little memory alive, well, it’s all the life givingness.  And that’s what her package did for me on a random Saturday.  I’ve been reading through it and have a lot of feelings and want to wait until I completely finish to share, but let’s just say if you aren’t exactly sure of your feelings about God right now…cough, cough…this book is still crazy good.  And it will make you think and breath and it will make you feel less lonely.  Order it and read it and I know you won’t be sorry!

  Bunch O Balloons :  Want to feel like a total kick ass parent or grandparent or aunt or uncle or godparent, whatever it may be.  GET THESE FOR YOUR KIDS!!!

Oh hey kids, want to have a water balloon fight?!?!  Duh!  Let me fill up 770 balloons for you in just a few minutes instead of a week and a half.  Why yes, yes your mom is kick ass.  Thanks for pointing it out.  You’re welcome.

Whoever invented these is surely rolling in all the monies and I for one, am eternally thankful.

Mochi Things’ Daily Planner:  I recently received my 2019 planner and I am dead with delight.  I wanted a planner that not only showed the entire month at a glance, but also had a page for each day and THIS PLANNER had all my dreams rolled into a small, light and compact book.  It’s planner love.  My goal is to print a small 2×3 photo for every day next year and attach it to the day.  At the end of 2019 I’ll have a sweet little memory book of another year in the Kelley home.

And lastly Creamy White Chicken Chili, Bacon Cheeseburger Soup & Chicken Bacon Ranch Casserole: I love when I try a new recipe and it’s an instant new favorite.  Marcie shared these with me and they were crowd pleasers.  They are super delcious and great for fall and winter weather.  They are keto recipes, but our family is not on the keto diet.  For the white chicken chili I actually doubled it the second time I made it because there was zero leftovers the first time around.  We threw in tortilla chips.  The bacon cheeseburger soup is soooooo good and creamy and homey.  And the chicken bacon ranch casserole was devoured.  The second time we put it over a bed of rice to stretch it a bit further.  Crazy delicious new recipes in our meal rotation.  Try these and enjoy!

Sidenote: I subbed almond milk in whenever heavy cream was needed and it totally worked.  Dairy is not Hudson’s friend in large doses so I made cuts where I could.  I also added more broth in places and went lighter on cheese and cream cheese and used a dairy free ranch.  Still crazy delicious!

It’s been almost 15 months since Everett died and every morning I wake up thinking about him and every night I go to sleep thinking about him.  This week I hugged one kiddo while they cried through the sadness of missing him and watched as another one came close and wrapped their arms around the both of us.  With another child I had to have an in-depth conversation about what exactly being “brain dead” means.  I fielded questions about heaven and what heaven may be like for Everett.  I also held a kiddo in my arms as they absolutely sobbed for Everett and their birthparents.

All seven of our children have experienced loss and trauma.  We battle not only grief from losing our son and brother, but also the grief and loss surrounding birth families and beginnings Josh Kelley and I were not present for.  The questions and unknowns are big and hard and I’d give anything to be the answers they need, but I’m not.  So we cry together and we promise them we’re doing the best we can and we talk through all the things and we give lots of hugs and kisses and usually the only time I pray is right there in those desperate moments.  I fling prayers out and tell God I sure hope He’s real because I have no clue what we’re doing or how we’re going to make it.  It’s going to have to be Him.

I miss Everett something fierce.  I cannot even begin to give words to it.  There are none which would accurately encompass or describe the depth of how we miss him and long for him back.  Just today I found myself talking out loud to myself about him as I walked around the house gathering laundry to wash.  I reminded myself of funny things he did and said, I reminded myself Josh Kelley and I made the best decision with the information we had, I reminded myself of the letter from his surgeon explaining the complexity of his case and the urgency and I reminded myself of what a gift 143 days with Everett was and that 6 other beautiful, resilent children are still here.  I’m beginning to undestand that saying Josh and I are the luckiest is actually an understatement.  Our kids make us better and stronger and braver.  They push us forward and we’re so undeserving of them.  They are my greatest honor.

Right now I feel like I’m stuck.  Not only did the world plow forward after Everett died, but it continues to do so when I feel like I’m not going anywhere.  I feel like everyone outside our home is moving forward and we are being left behind.  Grief isolates and makes you feel lonely.  I’ve noticed I’m not as good at conversing with others anymore.  I’ve noticed I care less and less about certain things.  I’ve noticed I’m more okay with staying home and being accepting of the isolation.  I’ve noticed when bridges start to burn I just turn around and walk  away instead of grabbing a bucket of water.  I’m too exhausted…physically, emotionally, mentally and I don’t even know if I can say spiritually, but I’ll throw it in for good measure.  I feel like every day just moving through our day has to be good enough.

We have children with special needs and right now that is taking up so much mental, emotional and physical space.  My head is filled to the brim and anxiety can easily sink in between any of the tiny cracks of space.  We’ve got meetings at school and doctor’s appointments scheduled like crazy.  I’m seeing how grief has taken a major toll on my own body the past 15 months and never in my life have I tried so many over the counter, prescription, alternative healing, hippie voodoo medications in my life.  I just need a medical professional to look me in the eyes and say, “I’m sorry your son died.  This sucks and your body has been put through hell this last year.  It will get better.”

I spend far too much time combing over medical bills and hashing things out with our health insurance and all the billing departments.  I keep thinking how I need to work…how I want to work and create again…and then I wonder when I would actually do so.  Our days are filled and I’m not sure the time or space is actually there, but what I know is that I will never stop advocating and fighting for what our kids need.  It is my privilege to fight on their behalf and to make sure they are receiving all the help and assistance they may need.  They deserve the best…all kiddos do.

Leo has finally started really sleeping through the night again and I am so hesitant to even type those words for fear of jinxing it.  You should hear Josh Kelley and myself try and talk about it without really talking about it.

JK:  Did you sleep okay last night?

Me: Yeah.  Did You?

JK: Yeah.  (Slight shift in his eyes)

Me:  (Semi smirk smile)

The End.

Neither one of us dares not utter many more words than those because we do not want to take that risk and become sleep deprived zombies once again.  Sleeping is nice.

Everyday I try and figure out Everett’s death and always end up sorely disappointed in the fact that I cannot figure it out…yet again.  I just don’t get it.  And I want to.  I want to see the reasons and the whys and then maybe my mind would quit running.  Maybe it would lend more to my healing and yet I know I will likely never know.  And when I think about sending Leo in for surgery it feels absolutely debilitating.  I cannot let my mind sit there longer than a second before I feel my chest tighten, my stomach feel all vomitty and my blood pressure start to sky rocket.  I try and avoid all conversations about it because tears are inevitable.

I guess I just needed to write out some feelings tonight.  It hasn’t been an easy week and grief is never tidy and I really try and be an honest person.  15 months might seem like a long time to some, but for those in the thick, darkness of grief it’s so brief…a blink of the eyes.  It feels like Everett’s death wrecked so much and we’re still trying to figure out how to piece it all back together the best way we can.  Everyday we get up and move forward.  Every day we take it one step at a time trying to simply do the next right thing.  Every day we remind each other of all the goodness in our lives and the brave, strong love our family is full of.  Every day we choose to live in a way that honors sweet Everett’s life and keep his little memory alive.  Everyday we choose hope.  Again and again and again. And that is good enough.

At the end of September we ushered our second kiddo into double digits.  The big 10 is so sweet and sentimental to me and celebrating Hudson turning this awesome age was a delight.  He had been counting down this day for well over a month.  He created his own calendar countdown and every morning marked each day off as his special day neared.

His birthday fell on a Saturday and was full of cinnamon rolls and bacon for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch, Icees for a fun afternoon treat and grilled hamburgers and Funfetti cupcakes for dinner.  Some neighborhood friends came over to skateboard, play football and video games and hang out and his day was easily complete.  We broke out the cupcakes and Twin Snakes…google and then eat if you are a person who likes candy…drew on the sidewalk and soaked up a gorgeous day while they were here.

Josh Kelley and Hudson’s birthdays are exactly one week apart.  Last year’s birthdays sucked!  Big time!  Everett dying makes everything feel harder, birthdays included.  This year after we sang happy birthday to Hudson over a pile of cinnamon rolls, he went and sat on the couch with the saddest face.   I asked what was wrong, tears filled his eyes and he said, “I just miss him.”  We talked again about how special days are even harder because we’re all thinking about how Shuai should be here with us.  It’s something we all think about all the time.  I really wanted Josh and Hudson to have some fun this year and they both love to roller skate so we decided to have a skate party in celebration of them both the day following Hudson’s actual birthday.

We made tiny sandwiches, brought in bags of chips, a bowl of fruit and sausage balls and pealed the plastic off a cheap-o veggie tray knowing full well most of it would be leftover. 🙂  Hudson also asked for all the Airhead candies and a Little Debbie Zebra Cake birthday cake.

Insert backstory:  When discussing what kind of desert he would like for the party he asked if I’d heard of Zebra Cakes.  Yes child, yes I have.  Last year in his 3rd grade class his teacher shared Little Debbie Zebra Cakes with the entire class and Hudson said and I quote, “I haven’t quit thinking about how good they were.”  This is my child.  I partially felt mortified I had never provided him with the opportunity to eat a Zebra Cake, but also super thrilled with his choice of crazy easy birthday cake.  When the birthday person is making their food plan I always say, “Ask and you shall receive.” 🙂

It was the most fun birthday party EVER!!!!!  Josh and I actually have no idea what our children did during the 2 hour party.  Where was Leo?  We have no idea.  Hahahahaha.  All we knew is we were wearing roller skates and all of our roller skating memories and fun vibes came coursing back through our bodies and we could not be stopped out on that roller rink.  I’m not sure either one of us have smiled and laughed as much as we did that day since Everett died.  In fact, we declared that our next date night would be at the 21+ adult skate night.  Yes, this is a real thing and Josh and I plan to be in attendance.

The kids had a blast.  Everyone skated and requested their favorite songs and played all the roller skating games you remember for your childhood and ate and laughed and it was the best.  Hudson requested we open zero presents and do not have a planned eating time and half way through the party he asked that we didn’t even sing happy birthday to him for fear of wasting precious skate time.  So we didn’t.  Everyone just ate as they pleased and skated their hearts out.  At the end of the night there was only one lonely Zebra Cake left and as the thought crossed my mind to finally enjoy one for myself, Huson skated through, grabbed the last one and popped it in his mouth.  Happy Birthday Huddy Love!

At school the next day we ate lunch with the birthday boy and shared fun Halloween candies with his classmates.  I sat listening to him and his friends chat it up about skating and Fortnite and all the funny things 9 and 10-year-old boys talk about.  I listened and thought about how fun they are and how great it is that two of those amazing boys’ call me mama.

There are one thousand wonderful things I could say about Hudson.  He’s a thinker and worrier and lover and justice seeker and losing Everett jolted him to his very core.  He has grieved so hard and is still grieving.  He has been forever changed in a way I never wanted for him, but this kid is fierce and strong and his love for his people has forged forward and tears me apart in the most wonderful ways.  He teaches me and grows me and makes me a better person.  He’s just a freakin’ gem.

So happy 10th birthday Hudson Hall!  We’re here just watching in pure amazement as you live your life with such loyal love and bravery.  We’re the luckiest!

Hi!  I have been quite MIA around these parts, but there is just too much going on to keep up with lately.  Leo has doctors’ appointments almost every weekday and I feel like I’m seeing how grief has taken quite the toll on my own body so this has left not much time to sit down and write…or for much else.  We’re pretty much all doctors, all the time right now.  #sucko

We do only have a couple of appointments this week so I’m hoping to write a little more, even if it’s lame-o random things, I just like to sit and write when I can.  I did want to stop in quickly today and share about a Bible jounaling class I will be teaching locally this Saturday morning.  I really meant to share before now, but my brain and body are shot, so, meh!  You can CLICK HERE to get all the details.

Very honestly I have not read my Bible nor journaled in my Bible for a very, very long time.  I don’t really have a lot of words to say about that or even know how to try and explain it, but I’m still figuring things out and that’s okay.  I do think this class is good and valuable if you are someone who likes to be creative and wants a different approach to the whole Bible journaling craze.  I never was able to retain scripture until I started reading the Bible through this creative approach and I was shocked at how it made me love reading the Bible and helped me retain it in a way I was never able to before.

If you are interested in taking the class, but cannot attend, you can purchase my full online class HERE.  All money from the class right now is going toward our ever growing pile of medical bills.  Whoop whoop!

 Okay, that’s it for today.  Just wanted to make sure I shared with you about this Saturday’s class.  Hope to see some of you there!