Archives for March 2018

Amon turned the big six on Sunday.  The whole family lamented his bigness…minus our littlest. 🙂   That morning Hudson came over all weary and said, “I think he looks taller this morning.”  I’m afraid Amon will always be seen by us and the big kids as a tiny little thing.  He busted on the seen in full babyness with a beautifully broken heart and won every last one of us over.  We’re full on smitten for forever.

Amon could not have been more excited about his big day.  He had donuts for breakfast…of course…they are his favorite favorite thing.

Amon Kelley Fun Fact:  If we’re letting the kids pick out a treat at the store Amon 9 times out of 10 will choose a roll of those small little Hostess donuts…chocolate or powdered…while the rest of us are picking out all the candies.

Amon has enjoyed donuts on his birthday every single year and I don’t foresee him ever picking anything different.  Dude loves his donuts.

All he wanted for his birthday was a skateboard like the ones Hudson and Solomon purchased.  He asked a million and one times for it.  When the long box arrived he just knew it was his skateboard.  Josh Kelley told him we got him a whistle.  Solomon told him it was a bunch of underwear sewn together.  And Hudson told him it was a port-a-potty.  Hahahahaha.  At one point they all pushed so hard he cried.  Poor guy.

We partied on his actual birthday which was totally fun.  All our family came over for pizza and treats.  Amon LOVES chocolate.  Like deeply and truly loves chocolate.  He asked for chocolate Black Panther cupcakes and all the chocolate candies.  On Kelley birthdays, just about anything goes.  If you can dream it, we’ll try and make it happen.  Amazon to the rescue for Black Panther plastic rings.  He was thrilled.

He literally tore through his presents in 3 minutes flat.  He was like a tiny Flash.  It was quite impressive and when he finished so quickly everyone looked around at each other like, “What just happened?”  And then he raced off adorning Black Panther claws.  Gosh I love him.

I bought Amon this number six sparkler candle and it was absolutely hilarious.  It was sparking everywhere.  Kids we’re ducking and sparks we’re flying and everyone was cracking up.  Amon couldn’t even get close enough to blow it out.  It still makes me laugh thinking about the whole scenario.  Cake and ice-cream followed the sparkler show.

(Solomon ^ Bahahahahahahaha.)

Amon has always loved balloons so we dropped $18 on a whole gaggle of balloons again and he was beyond pumped.  After the party he let go of every last one of them. Our niece Campbell who lives down our street even saw them from her house.  This kid could not have been running anymore hot or have been anymore excited about his day.  He thanked me 100 times and gave me all the hugs and snuggles.

On Monday I ate lunch with the birthday boy.  He couldn’t wait to take a treat to his classmates and his only request were mini Reese’s cups.  I was more than happy with this simple request…the simpler the better.  He passed out two to each classmate and then sat at his seat and probably ate 10 of the leftovers.  Eeek.  I mean, it was his birthday and it’s really hard to resist his sweetness.

This kid.  There are so many things that are deeply wonderful about him.  In our grief following Mom’s death God used him to renew our joy.  He brought light and laughter and hope back into our home and he hasn’t let up yet.  I’ve never seen anyone live with the excitement that Amon does.  His name means “faithful” and that is exactly what God has been in his life and ours.  God uses Amon so often to soothe my weary soul in a very balmy way as I miss Everett and long for him so deeply.  When he curls in next to my body, asks me to rub his head or back and purs just like a cat I smile and breath him in deep.  His spirit and snuggles are like no other.

Happy 6th birthday Amon!  We are beyond honored to be your family!

I cannot for the life of me escape these numbered posts.  I just can’t.  My brain is maxed out frazzled to even come up with coherent blog post titles, so numbered posts F.O.R.E.V.E.R!!!!!  Let’s begin.

1. Have you seen Black Panther or Wrinkle In Time yet?!?!?!?  If not, please do.  We rarely go to the movies because, cough cough, 7 people costs a lot at the theaters, but I did the unimaginable and went to two movies in two days.  WHAAAATTT?!?!?!  And it was every bit worth it.  Incredible movies…gorgeous movies…thought provoking movies…vital to our society movies.  Harper and I went on a ladies date one night.  Hello Chilis and Wrinkle In Time and snacks.  And then Josh and I took our very own Big 3…thanks Jack and Rebecca…to see Black Panther the next day.  5 stars from everyone.

And yes, semi newish tattoo ^ Got it back at the beginning of November for Everett and could not love it more.  Now I’m the lady with a snake tattoo 🙂  Bonus: Solomon’s laughing face.  I could seriously kiss his face off.

2. Amon at Jump Rope for heart means my heart almost burst into a 1000 pieces right there on that gym floor.  Watching him jump rope with so much expression and sweat and gusto while knowing what an amazing and brave heart he has beating in his chest…and the journey he’s been on to get to where he is now, well, just scrape my mama’s heart up off the floor.  I teared up approximately 74 times.

3.  I’m looking up more now.  I use to always notice the sky and clouds.  I basically engrained it into our kids’ heads, but then Everett died and I quit looking up…I quit noticing for a while.  Lately my eyes have been drawn upward again.  I’m seeing the beauty in the skies again.  Thank you Kroger and Dollar General parking lots at 5:55am.  You’re doing my heart a solid.

4. I’ve been creating again.  I’ve started small with some requests from friends and frequent customers.  It’s been good and not overwhelming.  I even did some hand-lettering for Harper’s birthday invitations which was fun and nice and quick since we simply photocopied them.

5.  Josh Kelley just doing his thing.  I would be quite lonely and quite extra overwhelmed without him in this grief and in this life.  We’re the luckiest to have him as ours.

6. We changed out our shamrock art for Easter art.  This has been such a sweet and fun thing to do each month.  The kids love it so much and so do I.

7. Need at nap?  Just head to the cemetery.  Easy as that.

And 8.  She calls it her Everett Jacket.  She wears it every day.  She loves it and misses her FuShuai something fierce.  She still cries almost everyday about him being gone.  When she sees his photo on my phone she always says, “See our boy.  I miss that boy.”  She asks the hardest questions and cries the loudest tears.  I had a really hard moment in our doctor’s office last week and broke down crying something awful.  It was just me and her.  She grabbed my face, looked me right in my tear filled eyes and said, “Everybody misses him so much.” and then squeezed my neck.  She makes me feel seen and I am beyond grateful to be the recipient of her love and empathy.

Sunday marked 8 months since Everett’s brave little heart beat it’s last.  It still makes my stomach flip and turn and I find myself walking through each part of what took place that day.  It’s hard, but also feels like it keeps me connected to him.  Goodness what I wouldn’t give for more time with him.  Time instantly changed and makes me aware of every minute and day and I don’t want to waste any amount of it.  I want to use this time so wisely.  It’s all hard and complicated and eye-opening and completely sucks.

Saturday night was really hard.  We could feel it weighing and so could several of our kiddos.  I held one of them extra close while his tears flowed.  We decided Sunday morning we’d get up and head to the cemetery with donuts and bikes and skateboards.  We needed some time.  We’ve only been back to church a handful of times since Everett died.  It makes me sad, but also I just don’t think we’re ready and that’s okay too.  We’ve felt the shame and disappointment from others in the way we’ve handled losing Everett and how we’re still handling it.  We already don’t feel like we’re getting much right currently, so when others share their disappointment it simply piles on.  People who are grieving don’t need that and we’re learning to recognize it and try to dismiss it quickly…some things don’t deserve to take up space in your head.

One thing I find comforting about Jesus right now is He’s everywhere and not limited to certain times and spaces.  Knowing He’s still here and we haven’t run Him off yet eases my weariness a bit.  Church is different for everyone and I’m so grateful God is not limited to a building.  I’m thankful He’s so much more than that.  I’ve been making myself pray again out loud on the way to school each morning with the kids.  I know He’s listening always and not just to my Dear Jesus prayers, but to my pain in the middle of my sleepless nights and my screams of curse words driving in the car and my whispers into my children’s ears when they are so consumed by missing their brother there are no words from them only tears and gasps for breath.  Since He’s God and we are not, He’s limited to nothing.  We can still find Him in the heavy darkness and even in Krispy Kremes on Shuai’s grave.

This has been a lonely and isolating time for our family.  I know He’s teaching us how to love others better in their lowest, hardest moments.  I know He’s teaching us there are no right words.  I know He’s teaching us the power in simply showing up.  What I hope like crazy is when the fog finally lifts these lessons and these feelings stay.  I don’t want to forget the pain because I know it keeps us connected to these insanely vital lessons on loving others.

I feel like I’m in perpetual tunnel vision and can’t see much outside of our own family’s grief right now. Listening and helping each individual in our family grieve and process and move forward no matter how slowly feels like a full time job.  I don’t fully feel like myself.  Some days my doing for others and thinking outside myself is buying snacks for Amon’s kindergarten classroom when they’ve run out or letting a car get over in traffic or asking a friend an inquiring question about themselves or dropping a card in the mail.  It’s not elaborate or big…it’s just something…any little thing to make myself stop thinking about missing Everett and our grief and remember others.

I read this quote the other day by Sarah Bessey:

“The most fearless thing we can do is keep showing up with love and grace and joy in our real right-now lives.”

It hit me hard in a good way.  Her words encouraged my heart.  It made me feel like we’re not doing such a terrible job after all.  Our right-now looks far different than I ever dreamed or imagined or wanted.  What I want is my boy back, but I know God is forging us into braver people.  He’s teaching us that even when things feel terrible and crappy and we feel like we’re not even close to measuring up that there really is no measuring up after all.  What He really wants from us is showing up and loving the best we can “in our real right-now lives”.

He sees and feels our desperate places.  He sees and feels our deepest pain and sadness and loss.  He sees and feels our confusion and anger.  He sees and feels it all and just like He’s done time and time again, He’s there always showing up and always loving us fiercely, not despite ourselves, but because we are fully our broken selves…we are His.  I will never be able to accurately put into words how desperate I feel to hold our Shuai Shuai again, but I know I don’t want to limp through life without having gained the most powerful lessons from our fierce, brave and strong little boy.  Even though we didn’t welcome it and truthfully don’t necessarily want it, God is using our pain and I’m counting on Him to create beauty from our darkest ashes.

1. Solomon needs to be in gymnastic stat.  Like for reals stat.  He is so bendy and flippy and he can jump up and land in the splits and walk on his hands and do a front flip and backflips on our swings and cartwheels for 96% of his days.  The need is legit.  I imagine him bringing home a gold medal one day. 🙂

2. Amon.  I just don’t have enough words for him.

3. Hudson’s little body has really been worn down lately.  It’s crazy hard and sad, but it’s also pretty darn sweet finding him asleep in random places.  Makes him feel little again which I love since he’s pretty much giant now.

4. Hudson and Solomon both bought skateboards with their money recently.  And now the unsafety is on!!!    I cringe at their falls, but they get right back up and go at it again.  A few weekends ago the big kids all created the olympics for us to participate in.  One of the events was butt boarding on their skateboards.  It was hilarious and a tad bit terrifying flying down our driveway going for the gold.

5. During the week I’ve been really trying to make better choices about my food, but come the weekend treats and cookies and delectables of all kinds are hard to resist.  This is currently my weekending balanced breakfast. PS:  If you’re looking for a local gym Main Street Strength & Conditioning is just THE BEST.  I’ve been going for over a year now and could not love it more.  The nicest people around.

6.  I saw this photo on Josh’s phone and it took my breath away.  What I wouldn’t give to hold that boy one more time, kiss his sweet cheeks and stroke his thick, dark hair.  Miss him every single day.  We’re all better having known our Shuai Shuai.

7. Hands down one of my favorite things about our local children’s hospital is that we get to draw on whichever kid’s bed sheets…and the free icees.

8. Even though we were sick on Chinese New Year this year, we still carried on with our mask making tradition.  This year is the Year of the Dog so we crafted up yet another hilariously wonderful mask in honor of the year…and endured countless hot glue gun burns.  Everyone could not get enough of it.  I chuckled each time I found someone wearing it.

9. These two are insanely smitten with one another.  Want a straight shot to Josh Kelley’s heart, get him to talking about his heart warrior boys.  And Amon knows exactly who to ask for things he really wants. 🙂

10. Maybe this is part of Josh’s smitten problem.  Amon still can fall asleep anywhere and at anytime he wishes too.  If only we could all live like Amon.

And 11.  Harper Kelley killing chalk drawing since she could hold a piece of chalk.  This girl.  She’s a keeper.

I’ve been learning a lot about myself and Josh Kelley and our kids while grieving the loss of Everett.  We’re figuring each other out even more while all walking our own grief journeys.  It’s been hard for sure, but I’m so honored I get to be here for each of them and so thankful they are each here for me.  I don’t like saying my kids are helping me grieve, but they are.  They see my tears and sadness and they are right there giving out hugs and “love you mama”s all the time.  Harper writes me the sweetest notes…she’s our resident writer.  And Josh, well, there aren’t enough words for him.  He’s the one person on this planet who understands my grief the most and willingly walks head on into each day.  Goodness, I’m the luckiest.

One thing I’m learning is that while my grief feels so out of control and is 100% unpredictable right now, I look for ways to feel in control again.  I grab onto things that give me a sense of grounding and control almost every day.  For me that looks like organizing and purging our house and starting and finishing projects.  When I can start something and finish it, it makes me feel like I can grasp the control again.

Recently Josh and I randomly decided to take down all the art going up our stairs one night.  I had somewhat of an idea of what I wanted to refill the space with, but it was going to take me a bit of figuring it all out.  I also went on a crazy week long full on purge of our house.  Every room.  Every corner.  Every space.  Every single inch of our house.  We threw away so much stuff and filled our 12 passenger van with items to donate.  I consider myself and our home pretty simple and minimal and we do regular clean-outs, so I was slightly shocked at what all we tossed and donated.

We have some small attic spaces where we keep a few kids clothes they will grow into and luggage.  Each kiddo also has one bin for keepsakes.  I went through each of their boxes and got rid of sooooooo much.  I thought I had really been choosy about what I had kept of their school papers and artwork, etc, but apparently I had not been choosy enough.  You guys!!!!  I threw away SOOOOOO much trash.  I realized I was keeping a lot of things that really we’re not important to us…like preschool diplomas, report cards (which our school district already has), baby pacifiers and so much more.

Here’s what we did…we tossed almost everything and kept only a few items which were truly special.  Any artwork we kept was organized into two piles:

1. Art to be framed for our stair wall

2. Seasonal art to be rotated in-and-out in our kitchen throughout the year.

I did the initial purge and made the semi-final cuts pile…the things I thought we might want to keep.  Then Josh and I sat down one night and went through all of the art pieces.  In our kitchen I bought 6 cheapo 8×10 frames from Target to rotate seasonal artwork.  I have one small bin for seasonal decor…does not include Christmas…and now I have a small stack of art I can bring out and put into frames for winter, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, spring, summer, fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  They are the sweetest little pieces which make my mama’s heart pretty happy.

Next Josh and I went through the pile of artwork which might adorn our big stair wall.  We made a pile for each kiddo and then picked out our absolute favorites.  All the ones that did not make the cut we’re tossed in our recycling bin.  If we kept it, we wanted to see it.

Then we taped each piece on our big wall to make sure they would fit and to see how they would fit.  I also figured out what pieces could be cut down for a smaller frame and what pieces needed to be framed as is.  Walmart ended up having all the frames I needed.  I wanted cheap and easy to work with frames especially since our stairs get a lot of action and it’s likely some will eventually get broken due to rowdy children.  I spent right at about $100 and framed every single piece.  All the frames have hangers on the back and are light weight which meant I could hang every thing with thumbtacks.  Hallelujah.  Amen.

As the kids make new pieces, we love that we can toss old ones if we want, add a few frames if needed since we still have a little room to work with or just put them over old art pieces and switch them out.  I love how versatile and easy this wall is to work with.  Plus, ALL THAT COLOR.

My favorite part about this wall is that our kids LOVE it!!!!  They love seeing all their artwork hanging together and remembering when they we’re little or remembering when they made certain pieces.  These pieces hold really sweet memories like Everett’s footprints his night nurses made with him on 4th of July and a coloring page Everett colored on our flight to Mott.  Harper’s doctor art she made in the hospital with Amon when she decided she wanted to be a doctor because doctors helped heal Amon’s heart and two of her art pieces that got her recognized at our mayor’s art show.  Hudson’s self portrait of me when he was 3 and his mixed medium of our city including the Crogrt…aka Kroger.  Solomon’s “hot dog” and the bouquet of flowers he created for me and gave to me with a giant smile on his tiny little face.  Amon’s picture he drew of himself and Everett in group grief counseling and his bear art because he’s been a bear lover since he was 2.  Our littlest’s watercolors she paints for days and days and have to dry for days and days and her adorable sheep coloring page she did this year that made me tear up.  And all the rainbow art they’ve made through out the years which reminds us all of sweet Everett.  I couldn’t love this constant visual memory reminder any more.

This definitely ended up being a pretty easy and special project.  It gave my mind something to think about and my hands something to do.  It was also crazy sweet remembering all those precious moments of our kids through their art.  If we ever move, this wall is definitely coming with us. 🙂

February proved to be one tough month.  It held a bajillion reminders of Everett and where we we’re exactly one year ago.  The emotions and feelings we’re quite opposite and in some ways quite the same.  One year ago we we’re meeting Everett in China and starting the process of bonding and attaching and we we’re all over the moon to finally be with him.  We had worked lighting fast to get to him and now we we’re soaking up every little piece of him.  We we’re also desperate for healing and redemption and comfort.  We we’re trusting God to be Himself and while it doesn’t look the exact same, we’re doing those things again.

His gotcha day was the 27th in China.  As the 27th moved closer I could feel the weight of that day.  Hudson woke up that morning in tears.  Harper was sad.  I was sad.  Everyone was down and gloomy.  I went back and read over my words I had written a year ago…the day we became a family again and became mom and dad to another amazing little boy.

**********

Meeting Everett Louie Shuai

 I sobbed over my words.  I sobbed over the pain and sadness of missing Shuai.  I sobbed over the dreams lost with his death.  I sobbed over my own guilt and regretful feelings.  I sobbed over the unfairness feeling of it all.  I sobbed over our childrens’ grief and Josh’s grief and my own grief.  I sobbed because I want my boy back.

All day it filled my mind.  Where we we’re then and where we are now.  I ran all the events and moments over and over through my head and heart.  I remembered my feelings and I remembered Everett…his beautiful little self…and all the special moments we shared together in China.  I remembered our beginning together and desperately longed to go back.

We spent most of the morning at the hospital with Hudson, but were back home by noon.  One of Hudson’s nurses told me she knew our story and had been thinking of us and praying for us.  I hugged her twice and cried in the hospital hallways while she walked me and our littlest to our waiting room.  It made me feel seen.  Since we had been sick for our Chinese New Year celebration we decided we would celebrate Chinese New Year on Shuai’s gotcha day.  We hoped having a fun little something planned at home would lift spirits even for just a bit.  We hung up red lanterns and Everett’s strand of donkey piñatas a kind friend sent us while we were at Mott hospital.  We made pork jaoizi (dumplings), spicy garlic broccoli and fried rice.  We sucked down sodas and devoured Pocky’s of all flavors together.  We passed out Chinese envelopes I picked up while in China together filled with $5 bills.  And we talked of our time in China with Everett.  We remembered him and how special he is.

It was a tough day.  It was a hard day.  It was also a sweet and oh so intentional day.  It is a day I know we will always gather together to celebrate and remember and honor our incredible Everett boy.

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien

I have a lot of heavy things floating around in my heart and head today.  I started to try and write them out this morning, but it was hard.  The weekend wasn’t the easiest emotionally and the words would not come easily so I decided to document our littlest’s 4th birthday instead.

We are still a foster family and have been for 3 1/2 years now.  That 1/2 feels important to me.  I’m not sure if being a foster family is ever easy for anyone, but worth it?!?!  Absolutely.  I hope we’re a foster family until Josh Kelley and myself have gray hair and can’t remember each other’s names. 🙂  Loving our littlest is such an honor.  Loving her birth family feels like just as much an honor.  It’s been a hard, messy road and we’ve made lots of mistakes along the way, but every day it seems like we’re learning something new and I hope we never stop learning and growing and seeing how to love and be loved by others.

Last year on our littlest’s birthday we we’re in China.  It was such a scattered week preparing to bring Everett home…locating and having his O2 machine delivered, Hudson getting the flu, gathering all our medical and adoption paperwork, getting everyone packed and everyone running around like crazy people.  On a whim we headed to Chuck E Cheese one night to celebrate her.  She got a store bought cake and pizza and hardly any gifts, but we wanted to celebrate her before we left.

When her birthday rolled around this year we decided to have a party.  It’s been a long time since we’ve had a birthday party for one of our kiddos…we’re just not party-every-year-people…and that’s okay.  This year we pulled out all the party stops because our girl needed major celebrating.

She is the fiercest and strongest and most resilient little one.  She works so hard every week.  She is brave and has pushed through so many barriers.  She is working on grieving and healing and she misses her FuShuai so much.  She is growing and learning and changing and we are simply so incredibly proud of her.

She was beyond excited to make all her birthday plans.  Pancakes for her birthday breakfast.  McDonalds for her birthday lunch.  Chickfila for her birthday dinner.  And pink cookies and candy for her birthday dessert.

This girl absolutely lived it up.  She was sure the whole world was celebrating her and knew it was her day.  We all sang our hearts out that morning with a giant stack of pancakes piled high and adorned with 4 melting candles.  As she opened her gifts I laughed as I watched Josh Kelley videoing with his phone and Solomon AND Harper taking photos with their own cameras.  She’s not adored at all. 🙂  We gifted her with My Little Ponies and a baby doll stroller.  Harper gave her a new Elsa baby doll.  And she wore her new Twinkle Toe shoes her birth mom gave her.  This girl was on cloud 10+.

At Kroger they we’re putting out balloons at the end of each register.  She told me how pretty the balloons we’re and I agreed.  She then said, “They must be for my birthday.”  Hahaha, yes, Kroger is really upping their customer relationship services.  She had to get 3 shots on her birthday for her 4 year well visit.  She told every single doctor and nurse all about her big day.  Anyone who even made remote eye contact with her got a magical 4-year-old ear full.  When a sweet man on the elevator asked her what she had planned for the day, she of course shared it was her birthday.  He said, “I bet you’re about 12 right?”  She said, “Well, actually I’m just 4.”  After her shots, which she didn’t even blink for and proceeded to brag to her nurse about all her bravery and lack of tears, she got her birthday McDonalds Happy Meal as requested.

When we got home from the doctor one of the wheels on her baby doll stroller wasn’t rolling.  I tried fixing it and completely snapped it off.  Clearly I don’t know my own strength when it comes to cheap plastic doll strollers.  I looked up at her.  She looked down at me.  Then she flashed a smile and said, “It’s okay.  I forgive you.”  If you only knew that on most any regular day this fiery girl would have lost her mind on me.  Birthdays put everyone in a better mood.  The whole thing made me laugh and I scooped her up and off we went to Target to purchase a new $10 baby doll stroller.

She got a card in the mail, a peach Sonic slush for happy hour, fun phone calls and facetimes and our sweet friend Julie who drives Harper home from school bought her all the fun candies and delivered them in a shimmering birthday bag.  All the smiles, all day long.  We ate Chickfila on Trolls Poppy plates and watched Moana while eating all the sugary treats.  You only turn four once!

The next day was party day and she requested a Pinkalicious party.  She LOVES all the books from the Pinkalicious series, but it’s not very popular so we went with just all the pinks.  There was pizza and veggies and fruit.  Pink gatorade, per her request, and an array of pink candies.  There were our favorite iced sugar cookies hombred in shades of pink, chocolate cupcakes with pink icing and all the sprinkles and ice-cream.  There were birthday plates and napkins, pink Chinese lanterns we got in China with Everett and a ceiling covered in pink balloons.

And then there was my most favorite moment of all:  Watching her as we all gathered around and sang happy birthday.  She reminded me so much of little Harper.  Her eyes were straight up sparkles and she beamed…smiling her biggest smile and seriously soaking up the fact that everyone was singing TO HER.  It made me teary eyed.  She is just so special and she has lived so much in her little life.  What an honor to watch her grow another year older.

She opened her presents and played her heart out.  She told everyone thank you and gave out hugs.  She went to bed very easily that night snuggled up with one of her new My Little Ponies.  Goodness, this girl.  So much spunk and fire and personality and love and compassion balled up into one tall, tiny little body.  I have no idea what the future holds for her, but I know it’s going to be a wonder and she’s going to leave her beautiful mark wherever she lands.