Archives for December 2017

This Christmas wasn’t what any of us had dreamed or wanted.  It was sad and hard and honestly all of us…even the kids…we’re glad when it was all over with.  Now we’re just trying to survive winter break and deal with all the feelings about 2018 being right around the corner.  There are some things I hope I never forget about this holiday season.

*The love among the desperate feelings of loss.  Our family is who we are right now and love jankly still swirls around amongst pain and sadness and our messiness.  And the pain.  I hope every Christmas and holiday I remember how I felt this year.  I hope it births empathy and compassion that remains at the forefront of my mind and heart always, but especially when these seasons where joy is suppose to reign and the sorrowful are often forgotten.  I hope the pain always stays in a way that changes our family for the better.

*Josh Kelley carrying Hudson’s giant sleeping boy man body upstairs.  Our kiddos are so tired from sadness and exhaustion.  We are constantly caught in this “Let’s go do something to get our minds off missing Everett” to “Let’s go home.  This is too sad.  We miss Everett.”  Throw in lack of sleep and grief has taken quite the physical toll on all our bodies.  My kids have always been good sleepers, but these past 5 months have been a doozy.

*Our advent activities which reminded all of us of Everett.  What I loved most about watching our kids and niece Meiya painting their wood slices was that Harper, Meiya and Solomon’s first design was rainbow and then other designs followed.  It made me teary because these kids love fiercely and wanted to spread some Everett love.

*Christmas Eve going to our boy’s grave to check on his tree and take some Christmas flowers.  It was freezing and this was the best photo I got.  Kids stepped in mud.  Hardly anyone remembered their jackets. Everyone was freezing and likely complaining.  As the kids loaded up in the van trying not to get mud all over everything, Josh and I snagged a quick hug and empathetic glance as to how stupid Everett dying feels.

*Swinging by our house after the cemetery by myself to grab everyone’s jackets they forgot on our way to Christmas Eve dinner at Josh’s parents’ house.  I gathered all their coats from the hooks in the kitchen and their lockers in the laundry room.  I looked at Everett’s locker and thought about his small, black jacket still hanging inside.  I opened his locker and pulled out his little shoes he was wearing the day we met him…the shoes he continued to love months after being home with us.  I stood there crying and holding his shoes in my hands.  I would give just about anything for him to be here with us again.  I know things will get better one day, but right now they straight up suck without our boy.

*Sausage balls on Christmas morning.  Always and forever.  I asked Harper what she was most exited about…like what was at the top of her list…and she said sausage balls.  It’s a beloved tradition.

*Going all rainbow wrapping paper for Christmas in honor of Everett.  Traditions do not have to be things you’ve done all your life.  New traditions can be born and taken on at any point.  Rainbow paper for Christmas now is now our new tradition.  One day I hope I’m wrapping my grandkids Christmas presents in rainbow wrapping paper and telling them stories about their brave, strong Uncle Everett.

*Amon asking for only and seriously only “one of those bigs cars you drive around in the yard” a minimum of 100 times and then some sweet friends passing down their boys’ car so our boy could enjoy it.  On Christmas morning Amon hugged it and I don’t even care how worldly or non-Jesus centered that may sound.  DON’T EVEN CARE.  It was the cutest.

*Hudson and Solomon enjoying their usual nerf guns, legos and lightsabers.  Our littlest bringing out each individual item from her stocking slowly and methodically and repeating the same excited expression…”Oooooh tic tacs.”  “Oooooh a candy cane.”  “Oooooh M&Ms.”  It was the sweetest.  And Harper.  Gosh I like her.  She asked for very few things this year, but the one thing she consistently asked for was a box of surprises.  It was so fun putting together a box of surprises all rainbow themed to remind her of her little brother.

*Amon’s sweet tears Christmas morning as we all gathered round to start off our morning with opening our stockings like we do each year.  Everyone had their stockings in their hands.  Josh was putting sausage balls in the oven.  I was sitting on the couch looking at each one of them.  Then Amon began to cry.  He left his stocking and crawled up in my lap and said he missed Everett.  I cried too.  Then we we’re quickly joined with other hugs and tears.  We had a good little cry and group hug, then went back to our stockings and began what should have been our first Christmas with Everett.  What an honor to parent these tender precious little hearts.

*Josh being off work and slow mornings together.  This was his first extended amount of time off since Everett died in July.  He actually only got 3 days bereavement leave which seemed insane.  I still remember the first day he had to go back to work before we’d even buried our son.  I still remember him walking in the door that evening and the look on his face and all the emotions.  A few extra days off for him was really good for all of us.

*Date night.  These are so few and far between.  We asked Josh’s parents if the kids could sleepover and no joke, we grabbed dinner and went home to watch Christmas Vacation with cocktails and sleep.  We obviously know how to party.  I can’t say how physically tired we are and this was a dream date for us.

2018 is coming in hot and fast and I have all the feelings about it.  I am so sad to see 2018 go…the year that held Everett and our time as a family of 8.  Simulatenously the fresh start a new year brings also feels like something we desperately need.  I feel torn because I feel all the feelings about a new year and I can’t push it off…time has always proven to keep marching on even when we’re standing still.  So we’ll head into 2018 reluctant and expectant.

I’ve thought about stopping in and writing time and time again.  In fact I’ve written what feels like a 1000 posts in my head, but haven’t taken any of them to my keyboard.  Things are just wonky and hard around our house and in our heads and in our hearts and putting those feelings down are just harder than imagined some days.  We’re all struggling to figure out who we are now and what this supposed joyful and hope filled time is suppose to look like.  Josh Kelley and I we’re talking the other night about how we feel like we can’t win right now.  Everett’s death shadows most everything right now.  We try and plan fun things to take our minds off of our loss and get us out of the house, but right now missing Everett always comes back around.  Example:  We we’re all so excited about the new Star Wars movie.  We planned, we went, we watched and snacked on all the fun movie snacks.  And by the time we got home 3 out of 5 kiddos we’re sad and crying and missing their brother.  Our grief just over shadows everything right now.

We are not lost to the fact that things could be so much worse though.  We are blessed and grateful for so many things.  We have each other and we’re mama and daddy to 6 beautiful children.  We can feed our children and we have a warm, safe home to live in each day and sleep in each night.  We are all healthy and strong.  God is still God and He reigns always supreme.  We have some dear people who have chosen to walk this grief road with us.  We see joy on the horizon, but getting there is sometimes a hard road.  I’m white knuckling hope for myself, Josh, our kids and our future as a family.

The kids officially began winter break on Monday.  It’s hard all being home with all of our grief all the time.  We convince ourselves we should go and do and then we all just end up wanting to be home.  A neverending catch 22.  Right now the littles are sleeping, the bigs and I are watching a movie, Solomon is putting in some microwave popcorn and I’m typing away.  I find myself thinking daily how are we going to keep trudging along day-in and day-out while so deeply longing for our boy.  How do we balance living here while craving heaven?  How do we do however many more years like this…without Everett?  How does this all work and how do we thrive again?

For now we just keep putting our feet on the floor each morning and as my friend Shannan said, “”Feel what you feel.” This is allowed, friends. Even in December.””  We’re feeling what we feel.  We’re living grief full on and honestly and ugly and truly and deeply.  There’s no hiding from grief.  It finds us from the minute we wake up until the moment our minds drift off to sleep and often it wakes us in the middle of the night.  And instead of pushing it all down, we’re treading in it often afraid it’s going to drown us, but, as shocking as it is to us, we’re still afloat.

The holidays look so different for us now and likely for a lot of you too.  We’re still doing our kindness advent, but I don’t love it as much as I usually do.  I haven’t documented it like I typically do.  Sadness has sucked a lot of joy from the things we normally find joy in.  Josh Kelley’s house lights keep skitzing out on him.  Our pre-lit tree is only half lit and Josh hasn’t found the energy to pull all the lights off…for a second time…and replace them.  We’ve baked less, but are trying to still share as much.  The kids have bounced from the high-of-highs to the low-of-lows and so have Josh and I.  This season is riddled with hard questions for Jesus and lots of truth filled hurts spoken out loud.  We are feeling the weight of our pain and the loneliness of losing our Shuai.  What we wouldn’t give to have him with us.  I still catch myself looking at his sweet face and finding myself still in disbelief.  How could this lively, life loving, laughter filled, ball of joy little boy not be here with us…his family??!  How?!?!

So we trudge on.  We love hard and cry every day.  We try and share our pain with one another and give lots of hugs and comfort when someone is so far down.  We also fight and yell and hurt each other’s feelings. We get lots of things wrong, but by the grace of Jesus I feel like we’re getting some things right.  We bought Everett a little Christmas tree and made ornaments and bought the perfect rainbow solar powered lights.  We decorated his tree and placed it on his grave to help us feel like we’re still celebrating our first Christmas as a family of 8…like we’re still celebrating our first Christmas with Everett.

Like I said, things are wonky and hard and like we never imagined, but we’re trusting He understands our pain and suffering and that He certainly understands what it’s like to watch His son die.  Trusting we serve an unendingly empathetic, loving and merciful Father.

1. If you ever feel like you’re a terrible parent then watching your kids come up with the Top 25 Names for Barf will renew all sense of possible parental failure.  It was the best/most hilarious thing watching Harper, Hudson and Solomon coming up with this list.  They even broke out a thesaurus.  My favorite was a close tie between “ralph” and “regurgitate”.  Kids are the best!

2. This guy has allergies like nobody’s business…peanuts, dairy, dogs, cats and pretty much EVERYTHING outside including grass.  WHAT?!?!?!  Week after week he gets 3 allergy shots and takes it like a defeated champ 🙂  They hurt…his arm hurts…and inevitably his arm is quite swollen afterwards and he leaves with an ice pack strapped to his little bicep.  Could not love him more and his allergy ridden body more.

3. Our nephew Cooper made us an aunt and uncle.  He’s now only one year away from being a bonafide adult.  To say we like him would be the greatest of understatements.  He is kind and funny and loves our kiddos so well.  We use to play games of hide-n-seek, have sleepovers, craft our hearts out and give crab kisses with him.  Now he plays games and loves on our kiddos and chats with them in between making all the fancy coffees.  We are all surely the luckiest to have him in our lives.

4. Do you need a most delicious and easy treat for the holiday season?  Then look no further than the beloved, but forgotten & underrated Snickerdoodle.  There are a few desserts which bring about certain feelings and snickerdoodles are one of them for me.  I am confident Angel Food Cake is the closest thing to manna and Snickerdoodles are what clouds taste like.  Cook time should be 8 minutes tops…give them a few minutes to set…and then bite into what you can only assume those fluffy beauties in the sky surely taste like.  Easily double the recipe and share with people you want to make like you 🙂

5. Thes two are kindred spirits.  Harper has had the toughest year and Meiya just gets it.  They understand each other on a freakishly sweet level and they have plans to travel the world together…China and Swaziland being at the top of their list.  They dream up wild beautiful worlds, have their own language & writing code and create until their fingers tire.  It is one of my greatest joys watching their relationship be what it is.

6. Marriage is hard.  If someone ever told me it was easy I would look them in the eye and declare them a liar 🙂  And I think it’s suppose to be because we’re two sinners living under one roof doing life together.  Losing a child together has been so difficult.  It is not easy to watch Josh Kelley grieve and I know it’s not easy for him to watch me grieve.  We tell each other how sorry we are all the time for Everett dying.  Not that it’s one of our faults, but because we know the weight and sadness and pain associated with our boy being in heaven and not here among us.  Josh is by far my favorite human and his heart and gift of humor keep me afloat daily.  There’s not another person I’d want to walk this road with.  Just call me lucky.

And 7. Watching our children grieve the loss of their little brother has been excruciating.  We we’re all of 0% prepared for helping them navigate this road.  And while some days I want to cover my ears and run for the hills, I know this is one of my greatest honors to help them move through this the best we can.  Every last one of us are in therapy and I’ll never ever ever be ashamed of that.  And I hope our kids are never ashamed of that either.  Instead I hope they feel pride in their hard work and perseverance to grow and heal.  Our world is becoming more open and accepting of those who are in therapy and/or counseling and rightly so, if we have a leaky faucet or broken toilet I call a plumber to help fix them, so I’ll never feel shame or embarrassment for reaching out to trusted professionals to help us maneuver and heal our own brokenness.

Hope your week is off to a decent start.  We all had a rough weekend so we’re welcoming in this week with anticipation of hope and kindness.

This is our 7th year doing our kindness advent.  This formed after losing my Mom suddenly and being plunged into intense grief.  We do not do this to show off or to make people think we’re amazingly great people.  Let me put your mind to ease real quick…this morning I yelled at my kids BEFORE we got to school, I say too many curse words, sometimes I drink too much, I’ve already had chocolate this morning and sometimes if I decide not to purchase an item in the store I don’t return it to it’s spot and put it on a random shelf.  I mean, we are struggling on SO MANY levels and there is so much more I could say, but yikes, you guys might run away and never look back.

So this isn’t a show off kind of thing, this is a deep rooted tradition that formed from great sorrow and has made it’s residence among our Christmas holiday.  Sometimes we spend more money, sometimes we spend less.  A lot of people get hung up on how much this costs, but you could totally do this completely free…kindness does not always cost money.  And to each their own…different strokes for different folks.  Not everyone’s finances are the same by any means, so just make changes as you need to.  I want to be super transparent so last night I sat down and added up how much this years is going to cost and we came in right under $250.  We have 2 big items on the calendar this year…donuts for our elementary school and sending cookies to Mott Hospital in Michigan…Everett’s heart surgery hospital.  Both of those are running us around $120 together, but they are super important to us this year so we figured it out.  If we cut those costs we would come way down on our money we’re spending this year.

  So here’s the list of our activities this year:

Share candy canes.  Send fun mail.  Buy soap for prison ministry Christmas gifts.  Take treats to our funeral home.  Angel Tree bag in honor of Everett.  Take donuts to school staff.  Decorate someone’s mailbox.  Give away a redox bucket.  Leave sticky notes on public bathroom mirrors.  Take peoples polaroid photos.  Surprise yard inflatable.  Treat for our trashman.  Ornament delivery.  Load bubble gum & trinket machines with quarters.  Share Sonic happy hour.  Take someone breakfast.  Return shopping carts.  Treat for our mail carrier.  Cards & treats for our pediatrician’s office.  Gift card for a single parent.  Cookie delivery to Mott Hospital.  Snack for Salvation Army bell ringer.  Paint wood slices and leave around town.  Give someone flowers.  Leave encouraging notes on cars.

So there’s this year’s list.  I’ll be sharing details here probably on Fridays and daily over on Instagram so feel free to follow along.  If you need more information on how this gig all got started and for lots of ideas THIS POST is a great place to start.  And I do not lose my mind over this.  This is such a fun tradition everyone looks forward to it so there’s zero pressure.  If an activity doesn’t get done, it does’t get done.  No biggie.  No one needs anymore crazy pressure.

You can CLICK HERE to see our list of last years activities.  And CLICK HERE for a recap of other year’s activities and ways we’ve displayed our advent.

Today we kicked things off by sharing candy canes with friends.  I bought some cheap mini candy canes, the kids divided them up for their classmates and they all headed off to school to share away.  Crazy easy.

And tomorrow we are sending fun mail.  Everyone wrote kind notes to a friend last night and I took anyone who wanted to use their own money to purchase a treat for their mail friend to Target last night too.  I loved seeing what they each chose and this was no money out of my pocket.  Harper is a pretty big giver…she’s more of a go big or go home gal…so she has quite the goodies to share.  Sending mail is one of my most favorite things!

(Blocked out addresses because, ummm, privacy & we want our recipients to be surprised.)

Hope you guys enjoy your weekend!  It’s Friday and officially December.  Raise the roof.