Archives for November 2019

Hi!!!  Gosh, it’s been three weeks since I’ve stopped in and typed my guts out on these keys.  It’s been a whirlwind in so many ways.  November is a weird month for my anxiety and sadness.  It’s my birthday month and the month my Mom died in.  The day she died was just the weirdest day because her death was sudden and on set and I was by myself when some serious decisions needed to be made and a doctor yelled at me and I was 29 and very clueless about ALL THE HOSPITAL & DEATH THINGS.  So it often feels like a lot of replaying the whole day over and over again in my head and remembering not so great feelings and words said and I can feel some serious anger about it all.  We do always celebrate her and this year it was with Dairy Queen.  Amon and I got her favorite Butterfinger Blizzard and all felt mediumly right in the world for a moment.

I wrote this about her yesterday:

“I love this photo of us. She was my person. She is my one true parent. The one who stuck it out and loved and cared and gave with zero strings attached. She always wrapped me up tight. She always called. She always loved us and our kids to absolute pieces. She taught me my #1 parenting goal…To always pursue my kids. To chase after and love them fiercely and unconditionally no matter what. I miss her hugs and laugh the most. She felt like straight up home and acceptance just as I was…no fixing required. 8 years feels like far too long.  Another day closer in all the ways.”

I’ve been working some.  I put together 40 kindness advent kits and then sold them.  That’s how that works right?!?!  HA! 🙂  Now I’m working on key fobs.  Creating makes me feel better.  It’s this weird push and pull because it is insanely hard for me to get started creating these days, but once I get into my groove it’s just what I need.  I’ve been trying to push myself some everyday to create something no matter how big or small…just something.

We nailed down our own kindness advent activities for this season.  This will mark our 9th year of doing this which seems so insane.  You can read all about it HERE…my mom’s death inspired it all.  This year we are doing things that are completely free or things we already have the supplies for around our home because medical bills are legit.  I thought we’d have a hard time coming up with 25 things, but after a few car rides to and from school we had brainstormed a whole list.

I also put together a PDF of 101 Kindness Activities and listed it in my shop for $5.  It’s all the things we have done over the years or are doing this year.  I love this little list and it weirdly means so much to me.  Anyways, if you’d like to snag it CLICK HERE!!!

Winter and Leo are now the #1 school picture takers in our home.  These gems landed in my email and a smiled stretched so far across my face I almost broke.  I mean, Leo’s crooked glasses and giant wet spot on his shirt = perfection.  Winter was recently gifted some gold necklaces from Mrs. Diana at church.  I’m not sure who was working the kids’ photo line that day, but apparently they thought the necklaces should be neatly tucked under her collar and on full display.  Thank you whoever you are!  We’re considering getting personalized mouse pads made. 🙂

We get to celebrate 3 birthdays in the fall.  Josh Kelley busted into his 37th year first.  He requested things like sausage balls and orange juice with pulp (Gag!) for breakfast and chocolate chip cookies and a date night at Bar Taco.  So we did all of that.  I even lost his birthday card…already filled out and sealed…at the hospital…and didn’t even buy a replacement.  I just told him about his card…provided a spoken visual…and he was good with it.

Hudson was up next.  He turned 11 and Josh and I wondered how we got so lucky to parent this giant man child.  Donuts and a Little Debbie birthday cake and Taco Bell and some new soccer gear and a game of soccer at the park with Icees were all on the agenda.

He’s the funniest guy.  Our resident comedian and sweet love.  When I look at him, I feel his feelings so strongly.  I feel his smiles and laughter and his sadness and nervousness.  I hear his words and feel it all and I’m so glad I do.

As part of his gift Josh, Hudson, Solomon, Big Daddy and their friend Adrian all went to a Nashville Soccer Club game.  They had THE BEST time and now Josh and his dad are ready to buy season tickets next year.  They had an absolute blast.

And I’m the last Kelley birthday of each year.  I turned the big 37 too.  I’m usually super strategic about special days, but this year I felt pretty meh about it all.  Just my luck, some friends stepped in and made my birthday weekend a little extra.  Ashley, Alissa and Leah shoved me in the car at 5am and instead of hitting up the gym like we usually do they whisked me off the Waffle House for breakfast.  Leah hung up a birthday banner and even pulled champaign out of her purse to make mimosas.  Come on now, amazing.

Jen and Chad bought ridiculously amazing tickets to the Avett Brother’s concert and Jen and I had a night out.  It was insanely good.  We laughed and cried and talked about all the big and small things.  Jen’s one of my most favorite people to chat with because nothing will shock her.  She’s as open and accepting as they come.  It was such a good night and the cherry on the very top was when the rainbow lights lit up the stage and I felt Everett so close.  Miss that little boy like crazy.

For my actual birthday not much was on the agenda other than watching some amazing kiddos play soccer, finding the funniest penis shaped gummy…it’s supposed to be a carrot, but we all know better…and hanging some leaves at Everett’s grave.  That’s all I really wanted…minus the penis gummy. 🙂

And now the end of November is close.  Like so close.  I’m hoping to stop back in again sooner than later.  It feels good to type and share even the most mundane of things.  I think about this little space on the internet and I hope I never wander too far away.  Thanks so much for stopping by, reading and caring.  Means the world.

Fall has been a bit wonky.  I’ve been anticipating the end of the year coming for so many reasons.  I’ve never been one to really narrow in on a certain holiday, but this year, for some reason, I am legit feeling Christmas.  I don’t fully know why.  The past few months have been difficult and sadness and anxiety have been swirling around coming up in all of these weird ways.  Maybe Christmas is on my horizon because it feels nice and good and magical and calm.  Maybe because I haven’t felt like myself recently…or felt like I had much to offer or give.  Maybe because I can’t seem to focus and I’ve never felt that way in my entire life.

I thrive on to-do lists.  I love marking things off…preferably with a black Sharpie marker.  And since fall set in I feel like I cannot get anything done that actually needs to be done.  It feels as if I’m failing in a 1,617 different ways and my head takes me back to summer.  Summer meant something deep this year.  I told myself over and over again, “If we can just get through Leo’s surgery.  If we can just take him back home.”  I’m not sure what I thought would settle if all that happened, but I just knew I wasn’t sure I’d survive losing another child and it felt like if we could walk out of that hospital with our boy in our arms things would at least feel a little right.

Maybe I’m left feeling my way through the fact that Leo is home and thriving and working so hard and making so many gains and my heart still feels shaken to it’s core with Everett’s death.  I didn’t think a successful surgery for Leo would mean my pain from losing Everett would go away, but there was this massive goal ahead of us…a finish line we had not been able to cross with Everett…and I just had it in my head that something would shake out from crossing that line with Leo…maybe a change within my own self.

Summer felt simpler.  Harder is ways because summer holds such pivotal memories of Everett and us losing him, but we could easily escape a bit in the hot sun and cool waters.  We were more rested and there was this weird easiness and to the chaos of everyone being home together twenty-four hours a day.  There was routine within in the glory of absolutely no routine.  Now we’re in the midst of six kiddos in four different schools.  Three middle schoolers is not easy.  And not in a personal way.  They are fun and hilarious and we love the people they are turning into and love hearing about what all is going on at school and in their heads, but it’s hard to keep up with all that is placed on their middle school plates.  A large portion of the time I have no idea how to do their math homework and well, that makes it pretty hard to help them with their math homework. 🙂

Flailing is kind of my best descriptive word for myself in this season.  Like a straight up fish!  I get through a day and think, “What did I do today?!?!”  Time races and I feel left in it’s dust.  Unproductive.  Scattered.  Unable to figure out where exactly I am.  Emptied out.  And that feels hard to me.  Winter has owed money on her lunch account for two weeks now.  Like we get automated calls from her school and emails telling us her balance is now up to_____.  Last time I chose to listen to the voicemail or open the email it was like $4.80…her lunch is .40 cents a day. :).  Just this morning I finally sent in some cash because I could not physically will myself to our bank or a business establishment that would let me get cash back.  Or I’d forget when I was at a store that let’s you get cash back.  I just couldn’t.  I have officially begun dropping any plate…the smallest and the biggest, the nicest and the jankiest, the in perfect condition and the chipped, the dinner plate and the salad plate…no plate is off limits…I am fully capable of dropping any of them and watching them fall.

This year for Halloween 5 out of 6 kids used costumes we already had on hand from our dress-up drawer and bin or they borrowed supplies from their Aunt Jen to make their costume happen.  I bought Amon a $12 wolf mask and told him we’d figure out the rest of his costume at home.  New costumes for everyone…handmade or store bought…it didn’t matter…I just didn’t have it in me and I thanked them all for going with Mom’s current flow.

If I had to nail it down I think this is absolutely some form of depression.  Fall is hard because this was the beginning of our new normal without Everett.  This was when we started to see longtime relationships fizzle.  This is when the isolation and loneliness that so often come with losing a child began.  This is when we walked through all those first holidays without him.  This was the beginning of the slow realization to all the dreams that had been buried along with his little body.  This is the season of really hard things and even if my mind does not remember every single event, my body does.  My body has taken stock of the trauma and does not forget.  I believe I’ve walked through a lot of healing…it’s true…but I also know my body holds something sacred and immensely hard with Everett’s death and therefore a change in season can set me off in a different direction and course without my say.

This week I did a podcast with Taylor at the Speak Life Podcast…it will air in November…and I got to talk a lot about Everett and the day he died.  Before I even started talking about him I started to cry so when I spoke about some details pertaining to the day he died I absolutely sobbed my eyeballs out and I’m honestly not sure you’ll be able to understand a word I was saying.  It has been a bit since I’ve spoken to someone…outside of Josh Kelley…about that day and my feelings surrounding it.  So when it all came pouring out so did the relentless tears.  Afterwards I felt this deep sense of release…it was so nice to say his name to someone and share feelings from that day.  It also threw my day for a loop and I found myself binge listening to the Catlick Podcast while sewing 1000 fake leaves together to hang from the tree over Everett’s grave.  And by 1000 leaves, I literally mean 1000 leaves.  The things you can order on Amazon is for real!

We have not done therapy in a while because it got pretty complicated to A) Get to therapy B) Schedule a therapy time that worked for 7 humans and C) What we did while waiting on whoever was in therapy…sitting in a still car for long periods of time is hard on Leo.  So admittedly we’re really behind on therapy hours and do need them.  I’m a firm believer in EVERYONE NEEDING THERAPY.  Everyone!  My best friend Ashley…who is a therapist…is quick to remind me of this in a very kind way.  🙂  And she’s right.  I just wish services like these were more readily and easily made available to people…another soapbox…for another day…mental health and America.

I’m taking some steps to help combat all the wonkiness…lots and lots of steps…all the steps 🙂 and then sometimes I just sit with it.  Like this morning, after a sweet early 5am breakfast with friends, some sadness crept in so I took Everett’s colorful pumpkin we’d painted for him to his grave right after I dropped Leo off at school by myself.  We have plans to all go together tomorrow afternoon to hang his leaves, but I just needed to take his pumpkin alone.  Today.  So I did.

I’m breathing…like seriously, breathing.  Deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth.  It’s real.  And it helps.  Grace is probably my number one helper right now.  Lots and lots of grace for myself and offering up real words to others to help explain my off-ness when it involves them.  I sent one of Solomon’s teachers an email this week explaining briefly how chaotic the last few weeks had been and I apologized for still not sending in his supplies he needed for this particular class.  We sent them in this morning and I’m hoping she’ll extend some grace and love to all of us about it.  Sometimes remembering to buy and then actually going to the store to buy glue, graph paper and popsicles sticks is hard.

I mean, who hasn’t been there at some point in their lives?!?!?  Maybe not everyone, but my current life is in a season of always behind.  Always forgetting.  Always not enough.  Always feeling a bit more broken and scattered.  Always feeling at a loss.  And you know what, I can see it…I’ve recognized it…and I’m working on it.  Our best we have to offer can look so different based on one million reasons and factors and contributors.  And currently my best might not feel like my best, but it is just that…my best in my current state.  It’s what I’ve got and the world isn’t going to spin off it’s axis because of any of it.

So I might feel like I’m just flailing around like a fish out of water right now…thrashing and swinging from one moment to the next…just trying to survive…but eventually I’ll hit the water again.  I’ll catch my new rhythm and in the mean time, I’ll keep working and moving towards my waters edge.  I’ll get there.  I’m moving towards it.  And I’m asking for a little grace along the way.