Archives for June 2019

Summer is one of our most favorite seasons.  School is out and staying up late and sleeping in are, well, in.  We throw our limited sugar rule out the window and eat all the popsicles and treats.  We watch movies and swim our hearts out and craft and things feel easier…then Everett died and our summer season instantly became complicated.  It went from carefree to full of hard, heavy emotions.  It’s no longer light and airy.  Summer is different now because we’re all different now.

I share a lot about how grief affects me.  I share about things that are hard and crappy and things I have learned.  I share because someone might never suspect that a season would morph forever due to loss and grief.  I share because it’s rare anyone asks how I’m doing in my grief these days and this is my space where I can write and share anything I’d like.  It feels good to write…like free therapy.  And I share because I want us to be better people to those around us grieving and suffering.  And while I know my experience is not universal and everyone handles grief differently, I do want to be apart of what helps…not what adds more hurt.  It seems unless you have actually walked in grief…in suffering…you might benefit from insight into someone’s personal experience.

This season of sunshine and loss reminders brings out a lot from our family as an entirety.  One thing I tread lightly on sharing is how our children are grieving.  I don’t go into crazy specifics because it’s a piece of their life story now and I want them to tell things when they are ready to tell.  When I hear or see someone dismiss the trauma they have all walked through it makes my blood boil.  Someone recently questioned me about one of our kids with a, “What trauma?” comment and I could have lost my mind.  In our experience, almost 2 years later, we are still unearthing trauma and grief just around Everett’s death alone…new things they had never shared until now and it’s honestly just hard and sad.  We have such an open door to their pain and sadness, but that doesn’t mean they were or are all ready to share right away.

Each child is so different and so we have to watch and try and read their emotions and feelings.  We have to recognize how hard the summer season is on their hearts and memories.  We have to have open hearts and open hands and open minds knowing they are all still walking through this loss of their little brother and processing what all that means to them as an individual.  They each had such a unique relationship with Everett so of course their grief is so unique to them as well.  I will never forget sitting in our parental grief group and listening to siblings speak about their own feelings of loss, feelings of being pushed aside and feeling like their sadness was second to their parents.  The parents’ loss is highlighted and tends to come on the forefront, but these brothers and sisters have lost something just as great too.  Remembering them in this is crucial.

So how do you love the season your son and brother died in?!?!  I have no idea.  I have zero good answers.  This season will always be multi-layered for us…the high of highs and the low of lows…the moments of precious life with Everett and the moments surrounding his death.  I still feel like we’re treading water trying to figure out life without him, but man are we giving this summer thing a go.  We want it to be full and fun. We want it to be deeply good.  We want our sadness and joy to mix up and maybe create some kind of laboratory summer koolaid.

We’re determined not to waste one hot humid moment of this summer.  We’re determined to enjoy one another.  We’re determined to soak our bravehearted lion boy up.  This moment is what we have and this moment we do not want to waste.  So here’s to remembering and crying when we want to and all the triggers that send us into a tailspin.  And here’s also to faded bathing suits and tearing through sunscreen and far to many summer treats.

We are officially 20 days into summer break and well, I’m happy to report we are all still alive. 🙂

If you’ve been around this blog for even a smidgen of time it’s likely you know all about our love for Wave Country.  It’s our favorite summer hang and anyone I talk to about it I encourage to go as well.  It’s our absolute favorite.  Over the years we have shockingly never been to opening day, but this year we woke up and knew our crew needed some fun and sun.  Throughout the past 22 months I can’t tell you the number of times we’ve had to change plans, skip out on events and choose to make a different choice for our family because we knew how down it would make us all feel…how sad it would make our kids.  Sometimes showing up isn’t an option despite our best-laid plans.  Sometimes we just have to do what we can and on that day Wave Country was it.

As we sat around soaking wet, eating concession stand food it just felt good to be back.  This place is special.  All 7 of our babies have been in this place and splashed in this water and I really love that.  Oh how I wish Shuai was with us, but we carry him with us everywhere we go.

In preparation for summer pool time Aunt Jen bought Leo his very own Donna float…it’s true love…plus a plethora of other fun rainbow summer items.  Harper bought herself a giant floppy hat from Target to try and rival her Aunt Jen’s.  I mean, these little to semi-little people just slay me.  And my kind friend Leah saw some other rainbow summer love and knew I needed them.  We know some really good people.

We got two trips to the wave pool under our belt and then on our 6th day of summer Amon broke his arm playing basketball. Morale instantly went from crazy high to crazy low.  We asked about a waterproof cast, but no luck for a wonky break and a full arm cast.  When Amon finally got his permanent cast and they asked him what color he wanted he requested rainbow which made me cry in the casting room.  They couldn’t do rainbow, but let him pick 3 colors instead of the normal 2 option and his day was made.

While we waited on his permanent cast we made do.  Harper decided we’d all listen to a different musician/band every day of summer.  Names were collected and written on little slips of paper and almost every day she draws a new name, posts it in the kitchen and pulls up a Spotify playlist to match.  Beck, Maroon 5, Drake, Tupac, The Police, Post Malone, Tom Petty, DJ Khaled, Panic At The Disco and a few others have graced our ears so far.  We really like her…and yes, the crazy kid loves romaine lettuce leaves.

We also made a movie list of movies we’ve never seen, but wanted to and then checked them all out at the library.  Currently our library won’t let us check any additional movies out until we return more. 🙂  So far we’ve marked off 9 movies.  I think we will do this every summer now.  The kids love it.

We got to hang with Hannah and Hilliary.  They both knew and loved Everett and Leo before we ever could so they will forever have a special place in our family and hearts.

Bonus:  They are just the kindest and love our kiddos so well.  They are also totally cool with a sketchy pulled together lunch, ice-cream, sidewalk chalk, Winter obsessing over them and wanting to make a coat out of their skin 😉  Amon scaring them 72 times with his new Spiderman mask and Leo getting over stimulated.  Seriously, they’re gems.

Josh Kelley and the bigs went camping at Long Hunter State Park here in Tennessee.  It’s a 6 mile hike in and a 6 mile hike out and they lived to tell about it. 🙂  They ate all the Ramen and roasted marshmallows and summer sausage and Mambas their camping hearts desired.  They also didn’t sleep much and came home wiped.  Fun was had by all.

Ice-cream and popsicles are always on heavy rotations when the summer months hit.  We were given the best freeze pops ever from Kroger by some friends and now we cannot quit them.  Hudson even started a freeze pop business and rides his bike down to the park on our street and sells them for .50 cents each.  It’s pretty dang cute.  Solomon helped him make his first $1 by purchasing two himself. 🙂  They are such trip.  The Nestle Push-Pop variety pack has been a massive hit as well.

  And summer also has brought on more sleeping pictures…some of which we have deemed Weekend At Bernies-esque.  I’ll never quit taking these.

 We’ve finally figured out a way to keep Amon’s cast semi dry so he can still swim and we’re back into our summer groove.  We’re currently on bottle #2 of sun screen and new bathing suits are already fading a bit.  Summer is our complicated feeling jam.  We’ll make it.  We’ll survive.  And everyone will get a tan along the way. 🙂

1. Easter…I know…was like 6 weeks ago, but nevertheless deserves some documenting.  Let me break it down…it was hard and sad and sucked the life from Josh Kelley and myself.  There you have it.  Gritty grief truth…it was pretty craptastic feeling, but we gave it our best go.  The kids had 4  Easter egg hunts.  We randomly dyed eggs with a cheap dye kit from Walgreens.  They got more candy than they did at Halloween.  I did not go to church.  I cried a lot.  I especially cried when I pulled Everett’s egg carton out with everyone else’s egg cartons.  I can’t bring myself to get rid of it, so I re-tucked it away again to cry over next year.  It was all hard.  I don’t even know what all to say about it because it feels like such a weird holiday to feel devastated on, but I was a wreck.  Oh and Amon ran out of room in his bag during one egg hunt so he grabbed a collection plate.  Alas.

In other news, Leo loved his first Easter.  He was hilariously sad hunting for eggs because A) He cannot move fast due to how winded he gets and he’s not good at running…hello heart defect and physical therapy.  And B) He had to open each egg immediately upon picking it up.  No gathering as many eggs as quickly as possible for Leo.  Nope.  He must know what is in that egg right away and if it’s edible it must be eaten that very moment as well.  Gah, I love him.

And I cannot remember the last time my kids had “Easter clothes”…pretty sure it was when Harper was one and then again in 2012 when a friend of my Mom’s bought Harper, Hudson, Solomon and Amon all Easter outfits.

But Winter did get fresh Easter hair…rainbow beads and all…so maybe that counts for something.

2. Cuties and weirdos.  I love them.

Please Leo, let’s stand closer to the TV so you can see with your glasses propped on your forehead. 🙂

3.  Leo has this new obsession with wrapping his blankie around him like a legit old lady.  It’s hilarious and a piece of me wants to get him a bunch of cats and hopes he will do this forever.  He loves his blanket, but it’s been amped up a notch lately and it’s pretty fantastically cute.  My favorite moment was when he was casually riding the elevator.

4.  Our nephew Cooper graduated and it was this whole emotional thing in my heart.  He’s this full on man child now and he’s kind of the best.  Coop made Josh Kelley and myself an uncle and aunt and he makes us better people.  He is funny and kind and brilliant and he makes this world so much brighter.  Crab kisses and sleepovers at our “compartment” and adventures and celebrating every small & big thing and rides home from middle school have now been replaced by food and game nights and confetti cannons and hanging with him & his friends and watching him love our kids. He’s giant and dreamy and forever our Pepe.  Love that guy so much.  Excited to watch him soar.

5.  Leo had the best IEP meeting to end his year.  I was so impressed by his team and all their goals for him.  I walked out feeling so good about this team of educators and specialists who love our boy something fierce.  It was so nice to sit among a team who ALL had his best interest at heart.  Having so many knowledgeable people in our corner…on our kids’ side…deeply wanting what’s best for him not just now, but in the long run too…and being kind & loving about it all…well, I cried and told them how encouraged I felt.  They know he’s joy and brilliance and magic and we all know how lucky we are to love him.  Afterwards Leo and I went straight to Five Daughters Bakery to celebrate.  A donna was definitely in order.

6. Anyone want to guess how many times I had this pairing during soccer season?  A lot.  That’s how many.  I’ve never been a soft pretzel kind of gal and then my friend Leah told me about Sonic’s new soft pretzel stick and it’s amazing.  So then I tried the ballpark’s soft pretzels and well, it’s a slippery soft pretzel slope and I fell straight down it.  I was legit sad at the last soccer game of the season and not because I wouldn’t watch my kids play organized sports for a brief period of time, but because I wouldn’t be able to get a pretzel.  Hard times.

7.  Come on.  Josh Kelley is such a great dad and Amon Kelley is the cutest human kitty cat on the planet.

8.  Everett & Winter were 7 months apart.  Last week Winter graduated from pre-school & Everett should have been right there beside her.  They were instant besties…minus the first two weeks where Winter made him cry a lot.  Hahaha.  We’ve felt our sadness really heavy lately.  When Winter walked into the gym with her class and saw the giant rainbow arch I saw her audibly gasp and then immediately search the room for my eyes.  We landed on each other…she pointed & smiled and tears instantly were mine.  I hate that he’s not here. I hate that she didn’t have him by her side, but the way she loves him even in death takes my breath away.  Forever grateful for their sweet bond.  Forever grateful for the way she carries him with her.  Sometimes grief is just so overwhelming and despite wanting and trying to focus on the joy of Winter finishing pre-K and starting kindergarten, as I watched her I just continued to cry because all I could see was Everett missing and another little heart that misses her big brother.

9. My friend Lindsey from Bottle of Tears sent me her new Terra Cotta Teardrop Seed Bead Earrings.  When Winter saw them she said, “Mom, they look like upside down rainbows.”  And that’s why Lindsey sent them and because she’s crazy kind.  They are my new favorites because they are gorgeous and so light weight I often forget I’m wearing them.  And there are so many other color combos and I’m already thinking about what a great gift these will make.

And 10.  The last day of school was a doozy.  There were a lot of feelings and a lot of tears from a lot of kids.  Next year is a big year for everyone with new schools and Hudson and Solomon starting middle school.  I know they are going to do awesome, but change is still hard and leaving friends is extra extra hard…even if they still live down the street. 🙂  Grateful for the hope of a new school year in new places with new people to meet and get to know.  Next year we’ll have a 7th grader, 2 5th graders, a 1st grader,  a kindergartener and 1 in pre-k…in 4 different schools…that all start and end at the same time.  Ask me if Josh Kelley and I are crazy…just ask me!  Big big year, but for now we’re welcoming in summer and catching our summer groove.

A lot of change this school year, but mainly just more hair. 😉

August 2018

May 2019

1.  I like her.  She is getting so big and growing so tall.  She measures pretty frequently and last time Josh Kelley said I only had about 1 inch on her.  She will likely be taller than me by summer’s end.  Not too long ago she read The Hate U Give and I’m so glad she read it.  If you asked her, she would likely tell you it is her favorite book.  She’s quick to help with the littles…and sometimes quick to be annoyed by them as well. 😉  She’s witty and fun and asks good questions and she’s always up for a Target trip.  She’s had a babysitting job for several months now, music and art are keys to her heart and every morning when she gets up I’m sure she’s aged by at least 3.5 months.  There’s a reason she’s the leader of this Kelley kid pack and life wouldn’t be as bright without her.  Like I said, I like her.

2.  Soccer season has finished up and we were all sad to see it go.  The big kids are really coming into their own on the field and it’s really fun to watch.  Amon goes all out…all the time…and is 100% here for the snacks and the possibility of nachos from the concession stand.  Winter didn’t play this season because she’s 5 and she’s pretty cool with whatever right now, but she still jumped in on Amon’s warm-ups and insisted on wearing cleats a lot.  Leo ate a lot of snacks.  It’s really fun watching them play and we’re all excited about next season.

3.  Solo time with just Leo and I has come to an end with the start of summer and I’m fairly confident he loves it.  His siblings are his favorite.  Also, Josh gave him a haircut and everyone had very strong feelings about it.  I gasped when I saw him.  Like, GASPED.

4.  These 2!!!!  I just can’t.  So much to say.  So much to love.  So much close sitting for their entire lives.

5.  End of the school year brought on ALL THE THINGS!!!!  Teacher appreciation and ice-cream parties and field trips and class picnics and themed fun days and field day and and and.  All on the exact same day, all within 30 minutes of each other Hudson and Solomon had awards, Harper had awards and Winter had her pre-K program and class picnic.  Josh and I decided to divide and conquer.  It was a really long day and I pushed Leo to his absolute max and in turn he slapped a baby.  Literally, SLAPPED A BABY.  It was mortifying and now a hilarious story to tell.  Leo has sensory issues…does sensory therapy…wears compression shirts…plays with all the sensory toys…weighted blanket…THE WORKS…and he was smiling ear-to-ear when he slapped that baby…poor baby never saw it coming.  When he’s tired he can easily get over stimulated and, well, slap babies.  And I don’t even know how to wrap this story up because now I am just sitting here laughing at the hilariousness of it all.  The end.

  6.  We took Harper, Hudson and Solomon to see Kwame Alexander speak and it was AMAZING!!!!!  He is an incredible author…all the kids have read and loved lots of his books.  We made it a whole night with Taco Bell and ice-cream and Josh and I just can’t get over how much fun our big kids are.  And Kwame Alexendar was so so freakin’ good.  We laughed so much.  I cried.  He is such a good storyteller and we all loved it.  If you get a chance to hear him speak, make it happen!

(Hudson might have a mild obsession with Taco Bell.)

Also, I asked Solomon to take our picture and this is what we got.  I mean, he’s a natural.  Making it my profile pic ASAP.

7.  Winter had a wild few months figuring out some heart stuff.  She has a heart murmur which was discovered over a year ago and deemed “innocent”, but recently has been having some issues.  Our cardiologist discovered a small leak and the girl got to rock a heart rate monitor for over a month.  She’s still got 4 circle outlines on her chest and stomach to prove it. 🙂  In one month’s time we tore through 3 heart monitors…one of which was accidentally dropped into the toilet.  I mean surely this wasn’t the first time a heart rate monitor had fallen off a 5-year-old and into a toilet.  Surely.  We were happy to see the monitor finally go and to get a good report from our cardiologist.  I’ve had the honor of seeing 4 amazing little hearts on the same screen…each one absolutely incredible in its’ own way.

8.  I see rainbows and hearts a lot.  I don’t know if they’ve always been there and I just never noticed them before or if I’m just looking too hard now and therefore see them more often.  Either way, it’s nice to find them in random moments of our days.  Any little reminder of Everett is a good one.  Miss him so much.

And 9.  Sleeping kids…will this ever get old??!??!  I mean, I just really don’t think it will.  For as long as they are falling asleep all adorable and funny like, I will forever photograph them.  Long live sleeping kiddos.

At the end of April Leo turned the big 4!!!!  I remember last year just hoping like crazy we’d get to him in time to celebrate his 3rd birthday together and there we were in China 15 days before Leo turned 3 squeezing his little body in our arms.  Once we got home and set to figuring out all of Leo’s medical needs a new goal came on the scene.  From the beginning his cardiology team wanted to get him to his 4th birthday before his next heart surgery.  For an entire year he’s been in and out of the hospital, been to countless doctor’s appointments and specialists.  He’s worked so hard and grown and gained some weight and as his birthday inched closer my heart jumped back and forth.

(^ Josh Kelley gave Leo a hair cut right before his birthday and Harper & I almost died. ^)

I went from, “We’re almost to his 4th birthday…OMG…we’re going to make it!!!” to “We’re almost to his 4th birthday…OMG…surgery is near!!! (Insert tears and vomit.)  So it was a complicated day, as I’m learning every special day is now…really complicated and muli-faceted.

Of course when celebrating Leo we knew donuts would be in order.  I’m not sure if I’ve shared here how Leo calls donuts “Donnas”.  For a while we had no idea who or what Donna was and when we all figured out he was talking about donuts we just cackled.  We’ve created a lot of stories about Leo and Donna and don’t foresee us stopping anytime soon.

He LOVES LOVES LOVES donuts so a donut birthday party was an easy party theme.  He said “Donna” approximately 1,976 times.  He was obsessed with all the donuts and wanted everyone to know.  He also added “poppy” to his vocabulary for party and it was the cutest.  It was the first time we’ve ever really seen him understand the anticipation of something.

Life has never been as full and busy as it is now with Leo and in the hustle & bustle of school and therapies and doctors visits I completely forgot about his party.  Yet again, Amazon saved the day.

We partied hard with family along with all of Leo’s most favorite foods…donuts, candy, noodles, pizza, chicken nuggets, rolls, blueberries, grapes and raw veggies.  I know, what a random spread, but the birthday boy was beyond thrilled.  I mean, you only turn 4 once.

He absolutely beamed the entire day and had so much fun.  When we all sang happy birthday to him I couldn’t even muster out the words because of tears.  He smiled the biggest smile and was just so proud.  Here we all were gathered around in our small dining room singing to this gorgeous boy with a beautifully broken heart.  I felt immense gratitude to not just have celebrated one birthday with Leo, but now two.  Scrambling to celebrate Everett’s birthday with him before he died gave birthdays a deeper sense of importance than ever before.  Celebrating birthdays with my kids will never be lost on me again.  And this year felt joy-filled and also like a heavy brick for what’s to come.  At the end of Leo’s party there was a rainbow and it just kind of took my breath.  Josh hugged me.  Later that night he said, “That rainbow was pretty nice wasn’t it?!?!”  And I agreed.  We miss Everett and no amount of words will ever accurately capture the depth of it.

(^ Blurry picture, but a keeper because of that donut in his cupholder. ^)

For all the love Leo receives, he gives it back 110%.  I’ve never met a more joyful kiddo.  He’s so complicated and a mystery still in so many ways and oh how I wish we knew what all he was thinking, but his joy is what really flattens us right out.  I often find myself just staring at him because he’s just so dreamy.

For Leo’s actual birthday we kept it pretty chill, but started his day off with more donuts and more confetti.  He went to speech therapy and then enjoyed some more noodles for lunch.  He napped. 🙂  And played with his new toys.  The boys had a soccer game that night so we ate a concession stand dinner and cheered on our guys.  And Leo was happy with it all.

In the end we all agreed…minus Leo…none of us wanted to eat another donut for a long time.

 Oh Leo Lion, what a year you have had.  You have worked so hard and you have learned to trust and love us and we are forever changed, yet again, by your love.  You have brought joy and hope.  You have brought laughter and hugs.  You my love are a straight up delight.  With surgery on the horizon, we promise to always choose hope and to never let it go.  You have made us forever hope holders.  We love you Leo Shuai Lin!!!!  Here’s to at least 96 more birthdays.