When Things Suck…He’s Enough

Here’s what I did…I put the littles down for a nap and tried to work because I feel about 500 steps behind these days.  I then remembered I had emails to answer so I answered them.  I then decided I needed to blog my feelings and then I shut my computer because I didn’t know how.  My heart feels so freakin’ heavy today and I want to just sit and cry so instead of getting back to work I curled up in a ball on our couch under my Mom’s afghan, set the alarm on my phone and shut my eyes.  My eyes then opened approximately 31.7 seconds later.  I got up, grabbed my favorite Africa mug and filled it mini marshmallows because I am an emotional eater if you’ve ever seen one.  And then I opened my computer again.

I will write today.  I will hash out these feelings and thoughts.  I started to type and then looked down into my marshmallow mug and noticed my wrist adorned in all it’s bracelet goodness.  My Branded Collective bracelet made by survivors of human trafficking, my “surrender” bracelet which reminded me of the very words I tell Jesus everyday “my life is His”, my Noonday bracelet made in India which gives a dignified job to mommas and daddys who want to feed, provide and educate their children and here I am snacking leisurely on mini marshmallows and my Solohope bangle made by ladies in Honduras who’s jobs give them hope and dignity and an opportunity to provide for their families as well.

The truth, we received some heartbreaking news this week and it just sucks.  It completely sucks and Josh Kelley and myself have no idea what to do.

Today I also received an email from our agency letting us know our papers will head to China very soon and immediately my stomach churned because I absolutely long for our son.  I think I’ve done good in the wait so far, but the more I think about his little broken heart and the loss he is going to feel the more I just absolutely ache for him.  Only God allows us to love someone so hard and so deep whom we’ve never even met.  I keep thinking about the day I will lay eyes on his little self.  I keep thinking about what that will feel like for me and what that will feel like for him…and then I cry and beg God to just be everything he needs and to some how, some way allow him to know he is safe and loved and cherished in our arms.

Things are not going the way we planned in other areas of our lives.  Some very big, very hard things.  It’s easy for me to feel wrapped up in myself and think “this is the worst” and to throw a pity party for myself. It’s easy to look so inward and just be all about me.  And then I am reminded with a simple glance towards my wrist that this world is big and beautiful and hard and God is always King.  I have seen and experienced deep down pain and grief and loss, but there is always, always, always someone who is hurting far more than myself.  Always.  God did not promise us a carefree, happy, unicorns and rainbows life.  Nope.  Not even close.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I looked over my wrist again and remembered how I told God not just a few hours ago He could have everything…my wants, desires, hopes, dreams, needs.  He can have my marriage, Josh Kelley, Josh’s job and my business.  He can have our home and cars and money.  He can have our past, current and future.  He can have each of our children…naming them out loud.  He can have our foster daughter.  He can have our adoption process and our foster care journey.  He can have all my social medias and Oh please please please have my pride.  I say all these things and more.  Seriously, every single day I say them aloud and here I am acting as if I own them all and clearly God’s plan is not working out.  Who the hell do I think I am!!!

So I sit here with a little one who has since woken up from her nap.  She couldn’t be sitting any closer to my body and I am reminded God doesn’t owe me anything…who do I think I am…not one thing…what have I done to deserve anything other than what I really deserve which is hell because I am one messed up sinner.  And here I am basking in His grace and mercy and love and I doubted Him…and still doubt Him…and will doubt Him again and again…it’s just my fleshy truth.  That’s the incredible gift of Jesus, He just takes me on like I am.  He gives me love and compassion and grace when I do not deserve it.  He is in control.  His plan is best no matter my OCD control freak-ness.  His way is better and right and good.  And OH MY GOODNESS I have got to get over myself, seek His face and His truth like there’s no tomorrow and beg Him to guide me in only the way He can opening the very eyes of my heart so I can see in faith.

Today I started back in Exodus after a month off.  I was reading a commentary about when Moses was waiting in the water in the reed basket fashioned by his momma.  It said this, “When we seem most neglected and forlorn, God is most present with us.”

 

As people who love Jesus we are not promised easy…we just aren’t, but we are promised something even better…Jesus Himself.  And that has to be enough.  And that is good news.  Always and forever, good news.

4 Comments

  1. You are in my prayers.

  2. kristenkerwin says:

    Laura, You are my fave. Been following here and on IG for some time now, and I just think you are the coolest. I have saved your last few blog posts in my inbox and reread them, and now this one…and God keeps telling me to send you a sparkly wrist-bound something that I started making when my mom died…and I want to make one for you. Would that be ok? Too weird? I bring the awkward, too, so I thought I’d risk asking. It’s a bracelet that God told me to make, for my own heart, about a year after my mom passed suddenly (the week before Christmas! GAH!)…and I’ve been making them for others who might like a physical representation of God’s promises. If you’d be ok with me sending you one, send me your address, and I’ll share! You can also DM me on IG (@looksomethingshiny) or email me at kristenkerwin@gmail.com. Smooches! 😉

  3. Praying for you and your sweet family. So thankful that nothing surprises God.

  4. Sara Just says:

    You are strong Laura. You guys have Jesus in your marrow. Praying for peace and wisdom right now for you.

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