Wants

I’ve started this blog post several different times today.  Each time taking a new angle…adjusting some here and there.  Inevitably highlighting it all and hitting delete.  I don’t feel like a writer.  I don’t feel like my words can give light to what I feel being pressed so firmly on my heart…and yet I desire to.  I so want to type out each thought and feeling which overwhelms my heart and mind and for them to be understood and heard, but sometimes the words just won’t come.  And that’s okay.  This feels like today.

It has rained all week long, which has turned our insane week into a much easier, slow moving week.  And I am grateful.  I feel the change.  I know it is coming.  There is plenty of empty space in Harper’s closest, empty coat hangers, two empty drawers in her dresser and an empty bunk made with clean, girly sheets.  We are praying for this child’s heart…their family…and ours as well.  We are praying God will move in us and through us and allow us to not only foster a child, but a family…reunifying…showing we love and care because God first loved and cared for us.

I want joy.  I want joy in every single part of our lives.  I walked last night and just griped for a good 30 minutes to a friend about the things which bother my heart to the core…it was my confession…my accountability…my way of saying I really want Jesus, but wow do I struggle with these feelings.  I’m not proud of letting these thoughts and other people’s words and feelings and opinions bother my heart, but ultimately it is up to me in how I handle myself…the thoughts I think…whether I push on doing what I know is right or sit and be pissed off and think stupid thoughts.  I want to choose Jesus which means I am choosing joy, love, kindness, grace, mercy, compassion and respect.  I want to choose Jesus.

I want to give.  I want to give generously.  I want a person to cross my mind and act.  I want to see a need and do something about it.  I want our giving to be lavish and with a cheerful heart only giving God every bit of the glory.  He should be our reason.  I want Him to own our bank account…His money, not ours.  Pay check to pay check for His glory…for His kingdom…for His people…to make Him known that He is love and life.  Whatever it may be, whatever may come, we want to condition our hearts by giving so God will continue to stretch and mold us and shape us into greater and greater givers.

I want to see people as Jesus sees them.  No labels.  No pre conceived notions.  No unfair opinions.  I want to look in the faces of the people who surround me, who fill our neighborhood and church and school and life and give respect and love.  I want to reach into their lives and remind them of how absolutely beautiful they are.  How precious and amazingly created in God’s image they are.  They are valued.  We are valued.  Set apart by Christ.  Children of the Most High.  God, the Creator of the Universe, allowed His only Son to die for them…for you…for me.  God absolutely adores and cherishes us.  I want to remind people every day of this of this crazy good truth.

 I want to encourage and I want to spread the love of Christ.  I share my heart here because it’s just what I do…it’s my little space to share, then close the computer and walk away.  I throw it out into this tiny little piece of the inter webs and hope and pray someone can relate and will be slightly encouraged…maybe even see Jesus.  I’ll never get it all right…I’ll never be able to fix myself and that’s okay.  What I can do is try and fix my eyes, heart, and mind on Jesus everyday and thank Him for His grace and mercy when I fall miserably flat on my face.  That is why I have a Savior…who does get it all right…and loves me entirely just as I am.