Life and emotions just seem to be a big ebb and flow right now.  We are absolutely exhausted in one manner, but our hearts feel at ease where God has us.  We think we can’t make it to the next day, but God is sufficient.  I told a friend this morning I just don’t feel like myself right now and God later reminded me I’m not my own, I’m His.  He will change me and mold me and make me into exactly what He wants…my life isn’t mine…maybe it’s good I don’t feel like my old self.

Our family has been pushed and changed again and God has proven Himself faithful as always.  We may be a little down trodden and tired, but our hearts delight in Him…He is our joy and peace.  It’s the strangest mix of feelings to feel completely emotionally and physically spent, but for our hearts and spirits to be joyous and privileged and honored and humbled to be His.

Life is not the easiest right now, but we’re committed.  We’re all in.  Foster care pushes your flexibility to the max…your love to the max…and your patience.  For a scheduled, I-want-to-be-in-control-all-the-time person like myself, it’s hard.  God has had many meetings with my heart already.

“This isn’t your day Laura.  This isn’t your home.  This isn’t your bank account.  This isn’t your family.  This isn’t even your life.  It is all Mine and all for My glory.”

I get a call and asked to be at a visitation in 20 minutes.  Another call for a court date in 1 hour.  Nap times have been changed.  Lunch packed for on the go.  Rushing here and there.  Getting everyone dressed and myself somewhat presentable in a flash.  Sitting quietly in a court room or a little room trying to keep Amon from banging on the double sided mirror.  Paperwork and phone calls and note taking.  Jotting down dates and phone numbers and people’s names.  Plus your everyday everydayness.  It’s a lot sometimes.

Then I look at this lovely little child and think how much I love her to pieces already.  We pray for her heart and for her family.  I think about what if I had made mistakes big enough to lose our children and they were plucked from everything they knew and placed somewhere else temporarily…how would I long for them to be treated and cared for?  How my heart would want to break into two.  And God raises our game.  He puts her family on our hearts all day long.  I ask Him to be everything I need and He is.  I ask Him to be my strength and He does just that.  He gives us laughter and joy and more and more love.  He provides hope in every shape, form and fashion.  He reminds me to love on people because by doing so, I’m loving Him.  You love until it’s painful and then you keep at it.  There is beauty there to be seen and gathered up and spread about.  There is Jesus at every turn.

We might not be doing this in the most perfect way.  It might not look pretty.  We might be just making it by right now.  It will appear were off our rockers a bit from the outside looking in.  Showers are long over do.  Dark circles have taken up permanent residency under my eyes.  Emotions are high, but it’s all okay.  Jesus is here.  And He always make a way even when He’s given 6 so very imperfect people.  The impossible is His possible.  He is love and goodness and hope.  He is our strength and our song.  He will gather up all the glory for Himself and He will be made known.  We are His.