Just Jesus

I’m not even really sure what to type these days.  I’m struggling with finding words lately and feel like I’ve experienced quite the tilt in my axis.  Parenting is hard.  Foster care is hard.  Let’s just all agree life in general is hard.  Nothing is normal or routine right now…which my OCD, controlling self craves most days.  Nothing seems to add up quite right, life never ever slows down, but I’ve had one on going consistent thought for the past few months and it’s simply Jesus.  The rest of my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  I forget things so easily…I feel like I can’t keep up and with what???  Well that’s a great question.  I look around at our life…what a mess we are…what a mess we feel like and I think “Jesus.  Just Jesus.”  He is all we’ve got and He is what sustains and guides and pursues our hearts.  He is the constant when life is flat out crazy town.

We’ve hit up more doctor’s offices lately than in a long time.  Harper needs glasses.  Hudson did not act like a ferrel cat when he got his allergy shots this week…praise hands.  Amon got a pretty good heart report minus a leaking valve which is causing issues.  And we live this crazy privileged life to have access to good medical care and are able to pay for it.  There are some people in this world who are faced with the decision to give their child up so they can receive medical care or keep their child and watch them die.  This is reality and I can’t even fathom.

Our kitchen is almost done.  I have’t cooked in over a week and I actually really can’t wait.  I miss it.  And we live this crazy privileged life of clean running water and a nice home and food at our fingertips.  I’m oozing privilege and most of you are too.  I don’t understand so many things…a laundry list for God, but we waste and throw away food other’s long for.

My heart feels pretty torn in a million and one directions lately.  It’s so easy for the world to feel like too much.  Stress and anxiety can creep in at a moments notice and take hold.  I make mistake after mistake after mistake as a wife and mom and person in general.  Josh Kelley got the sheer honor of baptizing Harper, Hudson and Solomon on Sunday.  As we were getting ready to leave the house, I got really emotional…Josh was about to baptize three our children…and because of absolutely nothing we did and because of everything Jesus did.  He pursues us.  He longs for us.  He is His mighty, strong and good self in spite of all our messed up-ness.  I just couldn’t get over what a disaster I am and yet, God is God and flips hearts for Him.

I read in Genesis 33 the other day and was floored by how Esau…after hating Jacob and saying he was going to kill him…ran and hugged and kissed Jacob’s neck and cried.  That’s God you guys…only God does that kind of turning of hearts.  And that’s how I feel about Harper, Hudson and Solomon choosing Him…that’s just Jesus.  Only Jesus.  And it is absolutely wondrous to my brain and heart.

Life can feel really really big right now.  We’ve been through a rough season lately, but it has also been really sweet.  God is teaching me how to pray and the value in prayer.  He’s teaching me about trust and holding onto Him alone.  He’s doing wondrous things and it’s so lovely to watch.  I feel tired and down and out and yet so hopeful and I just keep saying “Jesus” over and over again.  And He keeps showing up.  And He keeps being Himself and doing what only He can do.

8 Comments

  1. As soon as I saw your blog title for today, the song “Give Me Jesus” popped into my mind (well, let’s be honest, it’s ALWAYS in my mind).

    In the morning, when I rise;
    In the morning, when I rise;
    In the morning, when I rise;
    Give me Jesus.

    Such a beautiful song with sweet, sweet words that just make me all weepy every single time.

    Thank you for your post – and what a gloriously amazing thing that Josh baptized three of your kids! THAT is awesome!!!

  2. It’s so great to see your kids taking on Christ! What a precious, precious blessing. My husband got to baptize our two young adults; one in the Irish Sea and the other in the same creek her grandma was baptized in 56 years ago. This April, my husband and brother baptized our dad after 50 plus years of prayer by my mom and her whole church. God is amazing! Happy for your family; rejoicing in the heavens!

  3. What a beautiful, heart warming post. I recently led my only granddaughter in a rededication to the Lord and my youngest grandson, who is 6, in accepting Jesus into his heart. I’ve been blessed to witness 6 of my grandchildren worshiping God at a youth revival 3 weeks ago. Lately it feels like the hounds of Hell have been chasing me, attempting to devour my soul. However, your post cause me to stop and reflect on all the blessings that have transpired over the last months. Thank you, Laura Kelley!
    Grateful Nana
    Ps…I am inspired to revisit “Just Give Me Jesus” by Ann Graham Lotz on YouTube.

  4. Thank you, thank you.

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