Life currently feels like a muddled roller coaster ride. There are ups and down and turns. Moments when you feel like throwing up, moments of terror, moments of thrill and moments when you wish the ride would stop and you could make a quick exit. Honestly, we have not been the world’s best foster parents lately. The last few months have been crazy hard. When people ask how it’s going I have trained myself to say the same thing each time, “The goal is still reunification and everyone’s on the same team.” And that’s the truth…on the surface, but honestly I have had moments these last few months where I’ve whispered to myself or Josh, “I just want her to stay.”
Our littlest is a firecracker if there ever was one. She is joy and sadness. She is resilient and broken. She is a 2-year-old handling all these far too big emotions for a 2-year-old to handle. She’s confused and grieving. She throws massive fits and brings me face-to-face with Jesus and the ugly part of myself every single day. Going most places is just hard and the stares from strangers make me want to run and hide…or hurl curse words their way. But this little miss is fierce, strong and so brave. And we are madly in love with her. Truthfully, I’d love for her to call me momma for the rest of my life.
I openly admit I have not got this life all together. You guys, I’m a disaster. I make so many mistakes every day…over and over and over again. I get so frustrated and angry and down. Our kids are turning into our best accountability partners. The other day during our littlest’s 92nd meltdown of the day I said flippantly “I am so tired of this. She’s just mad at the world.” To which Hudson said so gently, “Mom, do you think she just misses her parents?” Gut Punch. Yes, Hudson, you are correct. This is the back and forth I do day in and day out. I am overcome with compassion and love because we are all the same…sinners in need of grace, love and redemption by the one and only true God who can dole it out. None of us more deserving than the other. Everyone in the same boat. And in the same breath I am annoyed and put out and done, wanting to extend zero grace. I need Jesus and forgiveness every dang day.
Here’s what I’ve done: The last few months when things got busy and life got loud those whispers of “I just want her to stay” clouded my judgment and compassion and empathy. It made it easier to send fewer texts and to extend fewer invites to the park or lunch. I chose selfishness instead of love. I chose my wants and desires over choosing what was right. God has shown up right in my face these past few weeks to remind me of our purpose in this life…our purpose in this journey that is just a vapor…to love Him and to love others all for His glory. As we sang in church Sunday night “This is real love” I peered over at our littlest nestled in her momma’s arms and knew God had gotten my attention yet again. He narrowed us in. Reigned in our hearts and started helping us kick our selfish motives to the curb. He nudged us in the direction of fighting the good fight yet again.
I watched our littlest pulling on her clothes the other day all adorable in her big girl panties because she is legit potty trained now. I thought how her momma had missed out on all these days…over 20 months to be exact. Immediately I started to cry because I feel her loss as I am currently missing out on each day that passes while our little boy waits in China. Some nights I am absolutely ravished by the time we have missed together and just sob. It takes my breath away in the worst kind of way. This is new for us in adoption…Solomon and Amon were both babies…our little guy is 3. More than 3 years we’ve missed. I wonder how God will gap the time…how God will fill the spaces…how God will mend and renew and bond us tight. I know God is using this to remind me of the loss our littlest’s momma feels. To draw yet another parallel between the two of us because there are so many. We both need God to do what only He can. We need Him to dump buckets of grace over our heads and scoop us up in His loving and gracious arms yet again. I need her and she needs me. We need each other.
We’re not perfect. I’ll never tell you we are. I hope I’m always screaming God’s redemptive ways from the roof tops. I hope I always choose truth even when it’s crazy hard. I hope I’m always rolling around in His grace like a kid making snow angels. I hope He’s always reminding me of His purpose and how giant His love is and how giant He expects my love to be for Him and others. I hope He never stops pursuing my messed up self and allowing me to see myself in those around me.
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I love your raw honesty. So many people won’t admit their fears never realizing that as soon as we do, we know we’re on the Way, with the One who makes us whole every day.
There are no words I can add that you’ve not already claimed and proclaimed…and I’m humbled by your crazy generous and honest heart. Even with Jesus and baked goods, this journey you are on is full-on rough sauce. But also pure joy, which is the rub. So I will keep praying over you and your family, and spreading the word about your fundraisers. Because keyfobs and Jesus and Panda shirts and baked goods will change the world. Sending much love to you, Laura!
We did foster care for a newborn the year before we signed up to adopt from China. A year later we brought our daughter home.
I likened it to my daughter received her first year of care from someone else while I gave the first year of care for someone else’s child. I still had the baby experience, just with another mom’s child. But oh how I wish I could have been my daughter’s caregiver her first year. An orphanage in china is not the best for the important first years. But as soon as you get your boy I know you will love him hard.
For what it is worth, our son attached better to us than our daughter. But then he also had a year in a foster home there, which I feel made all the difference. Which you are making in your current little one’s life. It’s hard. I know.
Laura, I am so inspired by you! I used to believe the “selfishness” that you talked about in this post about wanting to keep your foster daughter is the exact reason why people do not foster children in the first place. We adopted a 9 year old girl from the foster care system, and she has been with us for 6 years. It is one of the craziest journeys with so many emotions and so much faith. I could identify with your feelings on missing out on so much – it is honestly mind boggling how much we have missed out in our daughter’s life. Half her childhood! She lived in about 10 homes before she came to us.
I have now realized that perhaps sticking it out and keeping children in your home is even MORE a leap of faith than taking the first step to invite them in. SO MANY people gave up on her, and you could do the same with your littlest. When she is throwing her 92nd tantrum, you could say “I have had enough and I can’t do this anymore”. And yet, your thought is “I want to keep her”. WHOA! That is HUGE. I hope you know that the fact that you choose to love her despite the fact that she may never be yours and such an unselfish thing. Keeping her and loving her in the midst of all the crazy is something my daughter Ellie never experienced and she would be a completely different person if she did. That truly is showing God’s love in a life-changing way.
We had a rough day in court recently and my thoughts since then have been focused on wanting our little one to stay. I’m reading this as I rock him and am confident that the Lord is speaking to me through your words. Thank you, Laura.
You are wise beyond your years Laura…..much love and prayers your way!
Great words to the messies of foster care ….we become this fierce protector because when we’ve had enough …our littlest are still walking through it and we become their rock which makes us cling to OUR ROCK! Know you are normal in this walk that we have chosen an thanks for encouraging so many on their journey!
I don’t have any words of wisdom… Just that some of your posts make me cry like a baby, some of your posts give me a wonderful example of how to view the foster system as my husband and I discuss taking that leap of faith as foster parents…. But all of your posts nudge me to continue to grow my relationship with God. Thank you for your honesty.
Thanks so much for your honesty Laura!! We are scheduled to pick up our first placement in the morning. Im thankful that you’ve shared your journey.
Deeply touched by your ability to communicate the raw and the real. I can connect with so much of it … but often fear putting it in to words. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart.
This is so real. Thank you for such a beautiful and raw explanation of the struggle in life to follow Jesus, specifically in foster care. ❤️
I’m so thankful you and Josh are there for these beautiful children. I know that God will not put more on us than we can withstand and I thank Him for blessing you and your family. We do serve an awesome God!
Praying for you so hard on adoption and foster care and just life in general you absolutely speak right to my heart and know you are not alone. Much love!!!! Love Tara
Thank you. I needed this and did not want it at the same time. Mine are staying. So I have that. But the anger and grief can be overwhelming and sometimes I am just tired. And sometimes I miss the mom I used to be before trauma came. I have been listening to Gungor’s beautiful things. Trying to remind myself that God can make something beautiful out of this