I Don’t Even Know

I feel like we are currently addressing 27 things that feel big in life right now ranging from heart kiddos and surgeries, to weird undiagnosed health problems, to kiddos struggling hard with loss, to broken van doors, to learning disabilities, to trying to make wise choices for everyone in our home, to being crazy excited to bring home another son and brother, to was that really the last episode of Sherlock forever…as in forever forever?!?!  and why can’t we just have all the cookies every single dang day?!?!?  I don’t even know.

I am currently not taking anymore custom new orders, but here I sit with 4 custom name pillows that still need to be created and shipped.  I’ve had about zero work time with life and China prep and them childrens 🙂 especially the ones who keep getting sick and the ones who keep coming home from school early again sick.

I read Meg’s post today and just cried.  All these kids…freakin geez…I don’t even know how I got so lucky to be their mom.  I really don’t.  I tell God every single morning what a screw up I am and then proceed to name all the things I need to lay down at His feet yet again and again and again.  I am a giant sinner.  I let anxiety squash my joy and send my head into a tailspin.  I have to tell myself things like “Laura, if ____ does not get done the world will really and truly not end.”  I feel lost in this parenting gig every day and yet know I was meant to be their mama and it’s the biggest honor and I really am the luckiest mom in the entire world…just like the rest of you.  They are a gift!

We’ve been wildly preparing for China.  We had yet another set of passport pictures to get taken and China Entry Visas to apply for.  I’ve never in all my life overnight shipped so many, many things.  We paid far more than I’d like to admit to send our boy a package containing a small blue blanket, a little stuffed panda with a heart over it’s eye and a book containing photos of his new family.  When I told our mail guy my choice of shipping method he looked at me and said, “Are you sure?” 🙂  I told him I needed this package to get to it’s destination as soon as possible…in other words, I want our little boy’s heart to start being prepared for our arrival as soon as possible because we’re coming and severe, aching loss is near for our son.  It makes me sick thinking about it.  How can I be so excited and honored and thrilled beyond my wildest dreams and in the same breath be absolutely heartbroken and crushed for our little guy?!?!?!

He is almost 3 1/2 now and I want to weep over the time missed.  I want to weep and weep and weep.  A simple thought of him sends me into tears.  Hudson and Solomon’s 1st grade teachers met me in the school office today, gave me a card and then wrapped their arms around me simultaneously and I just stood there in the middle of the sweetest hug and cried.

What is God up to?  What is He doing?  How is He going to work all this out and mend this little one’s very broken heart?  And how will all this time ever be filled?  And how will He make a way yet again?  And why, oh why did He think we were okay enough to allow us a front row seat to watch Him work…to watch Him do what only He can do…to watch Him do yet again the impossible and the improbable and the sheer insane?!?!?  I don’t even know.  I don’t get it.  I don’t understand, but I don’t have to.  God is God and He is good.

I read in Exodus this week about when God sends Moses before Pharaoh.  So far in Exodus Moses has questioned God over and over and over again about why God chose him…he’s got a stutter and isn’t equipped to be used by God…so Moses thinks.  And yet God keeps choosing Moses and showing off His power.  He keeps setting Moses apart.  I read in a commentary how God called Moses “to act and speak in His name and to perform things beyond the ordinary course of nature.”  Beyond the ordinary.  That’s where my hope is sitting this week…with God beyond the ordinary.  That is what God does…He does beyond the ordinary.

When things feel messed up and jacked up and weird and uncomfortable and hard as hell and sad beyond sad and we feel lost and completely out of sorts and we think “I don’t even know anymore” we can find that hope…even if it’s ever so tiny…we can find hope in a God who is beyond the ordinary and who does beyond the ordinary and Who’s specialty is beyond the ordinary and we can grab hold of that hope and hold on for dear life because He’s making a way even when we just don’t see how.  Goodness, what a God we serve to show up in and far beyond the ordinary for us.

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